November 7, 2005
In Search of Bovinity
Bovinity NOUN
1. A state of mind that can only be realized through the perfect incarnation of ground beef prepared in a manner that completely and absolutely satisfies a human's craving for red meat.
2. The perfect hamburger.
ETYMOLOGY: from d vus, god and Late Latin bov nus, from Latin b s , bov-, cow
It starts as a dull throb deep from within whatever portion of our psyche perceives hunger and craving. At first it is easy to ignore, but as the day progresses it grows in intensity and cadence. By lunchtime it’s a steady drum beat, by mid afternoon a roll, and when the work day ceases it peaks as an all out roar. The addiction is to the ground beef sandwich knows as hamburger, and the withdrawal is impossible to ignore.
At its max, any incarnation can quell your appetite. Even fast food versions can at least temporarily satisfy if the desire is strong enough. If you’re craving reaches carnal proportions, however, and burger perfection is obtained, the satisfaction can be almost overwhelming. The contentment as one gently presses on a freshly-toasted bun, releasing splendid flavors from the folds of loosely packed ground beef. The first bite, the rush, the endorphin release. It’s a sensation that resonates to your very core producing a state that can only be described as true Bovinity.
It’s not always that bad of course. Most of the time, and for most people, we just want a satisfying burger after work. That doesn’t mean, however, that we want to belittle the experience. When burger cravings call, no matter what the intensity, we just want a good and satisfying burger. A big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat should be more than enough to placate our desires. Yet give us burger perfection and we’ll respond with burger bliss.
Perfection though, means many things to many people. When this DCist asked other contributors to describe the perfect burger in 20 words or less, responses were as diverse as D.C.’s culture.
To quote one DCist…”Worcestershire marinade. Rare inside, slightly crisped outside. Lettuce, tomato, pungent onion. Toasted sesame bun. Ketchup on top”Another grammatically put it …“thick, rare, crusty bunned, (blue) cheesey, (sauteed) oniony, rare, rare, rare, tomatoey, mayonaisey, and maybe arugala-y.”
In exactly twenty words…”A little minced garlic and black (or white) pepper, juicy, lightly pink inside, at least the same size as bun.”
And our favorite might be the simply put... “black outside, red in the center.”
With so many differences in opinion, DCist decided that if we were ever going to find true bovinity we had to approach the problem with Zen-like simplicity. We were also concerned about subjectivity so we wanted to take a systematic approach. To help solidify our process for finding God on a bun, we have detailed a few burger requirements below...
The burger shall be thick
But not too thick of course. The thinner burgers cranked out at higher-volume chains can't produce the sandwich we want -- nay, need. That said, we also want to get our hands and mouths around this thing without undue embarrassment. The perfect size for a burger is a function of proportion but is probably 1/3 to 1/2 of a pound and 3/4 to one inch thick.
The burger shall be juicy
If a burger doesn't mark its territory, it's already a lost cause. We expect a puddle on our plates to replace the burger that was there before. The bigger the puddle the better the burger.
The burger shall be cooked to the requested doneness
DCist understands that we all have our own tastes, so we wont try to push our perfect doneness (medium rare to medium) on the masses. What we will mandate however is receiving what we request. Medium means pink...not well done, and cooked to order means cooked how we order, not when we order.
The burger shall be comprised of beef
No fillers, no chicken, no turkey, no soy. 100 percent ground beef is the only path to true Bovinity
The burger shall be tasty
If burgers were in a beauty pageant this category would be akin to that je ne sais quoi. It’s hard to put your finger on exactly what tasty is -- after all, tasty is as tasty does -- but there are certainly some burger attributes that help. One DCist likened it to the balance of the classical elements earth, air, fire and water. The tastiest burgers embrace each in a patty that is loosely packed (air), juicy (water), full of beef flavor (earth), and ever so slightly charred on the outside (fire).
So where does one find this perfect burger? The Post had a great idea when they queried the public in its Best Bets feature, the results, however, were less than stellar for our purposes as the effort dissolved into a popularity contest.
1. Five Guys
These guys are the Willy Wonkas of burgercraft. You can whip up hundreds of burger combinations with their free toppings and munch on endless amounts of free peanuts while you wait. Some say the fries at this super casual joint are the very best around.2. Fuddruckers
3. Whitlow's on Wilson
4. Red Robin
5. Clyde's
Five Guys may crank out burgers in Willy Wonka proportions, but on numerous visits we determined the fries to be the only golden ticket worth serious praise. Fuddruckers?... please make it stop. It is said that Jesus walked the path less frequently trod, and we are fairly certain that popularity will not lead us to true Bovinity.
So, in an effort to find the truly divine, we turn to our loyal readers. With the above burger requirements in mind, where would you go to meat your maker? Who amongst us really makes a better burger?
Leave us a note in the comments. During the next few days we’ll compile your votes and assemble a list before hitting the streets using your recommendations as a path to all that is holy. In a multi-part series, we will explore your nominations for D.C.’s best burger joints, recoil from burger atrocities, and even learn some tips for reaching Bovinity at home. At the end of our journey each of us will know where to turn when addiction invokes our next spiritual crisis. At the very least, the next time your cravings call, you’ll have a fail-safe list for burger indulgence that is not likely to let you down.
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I actually love Chef Geoff's burgers, particularly when they're $5 including fries during happy hour.
Five Guys are still the best burgers in town, despite you somewhat curious review. But, Cafe St. Ex is doing an exceptional burger these days. And Palena's option is a bit pricey, but pretty good too.
I finally went to Five Guys about six months ago, after having lived here for a year and hearing about how great it was. I found it kinda overrated. Burger patty was too small ... it was good, but the bun was about 3x as big as the meat and I got a whole head of lettuce on it. I'll try again, but the first impression wasn't that great.
I also had never tried Five Guys, after hearing rave reviews for years, until a few months ago. I made the mistake of going to the Georgetown branch, which seemed absolutely filthy. Then I got the burger and fries. Somehow I accidentally ordered a double burger, which was of course way too much meat and nothing special at all. But even worse was the bag full of greasy fries that were half undercooked and half overcooked. I can't believe people think Five Guys is good.
I work around the corner from a Fuddruckers, and even though it's a chain, I think the burgers are great.
Black's in Bethesda....yummmmm--a juice puddle the size of the tidal basin.
Can I request at least one veg-friendly DCist food review?
Five Guys is ever so overrated. Better burgers:
Hamburger Hamlet (there are a few left, amazingly).
Clyde's.
Hamburger Mary's.
My house.
But also dears, this is bovinity.
Fuddruckers... hahaha...
fuddruckers makes me want to barf afterwards every time. it tastes good though, so i don't know why that is.
Poste has some great burgers.
Anybody who doesn't bow down to the glory of 5 Guys should be repeatedly punched in the balls.
Case closed.
Fudruckers is gross. Otherwise MJf is right, you can't beat the Cheff Geoff's 5 dollar weekday burger.
Five guys was good...hmm five years ago. Before they built one in every corner of the area and the quality has just gone down from there. If you're ever heading out to the Blue Ridge, check out the organic burgers at the Sunnyside Farms Rest Stop. http://www.sunnysidefarms.com/organic/rest.htm
This might be sacrilegous to say but I like Ruby Tuesday burgers. They have a huge selection of burgers and I like all the half pound monstruosities. mmmmm, chilli cheesburger.
colorado kitchen. run, don't walk. can't wait until thursday's burger night.
Do Fuddruckers out here sell veggie burgers like they do in California? They made great veggie burgers. (Of course, McDonald's and BK sell veggie burgers in California, too, and don't out here, so I don't have my hopes up.)
Seconding the veg-friendly food review. Thanks.
Colorado Kitchen at 14th St. and Colorado Aves, NW - possibly DC's best burger and your dollars support a locally owner, non-chain restaurant. A WIN-WIN deal...
Sonoma makes a mean cow sandwich.
I've heard so much about the Palena burger I feel like I've eaten it. (Though it tastes a little dry.)
Miniburgers at Matchbox!!
I have heard Hamburger Mary's pretty much rules
I have heard Hamburger Mary's pretty much rules
Fuddies DOES do the veggie burger and it's awesome. I got a veggie burger the last time I went to BK... three years ago.
sean donlon's in annapolis. best burgers in town, cheap too. better than st.ex, and less than $12 for one.
oh, and they've got some beers there too.
Try Elevation Burger in Falls Church. Delicious burger.
I'm loyal to Five Guys in spirit, but I don't think the burgers are anywhere near as good as the fries (and they're usually overcooked for my Oklahoma-raised, medium-lovin' self).
My recommendations:
RFD is mostly a reliable burger for me (I've had one experience there where the burger came back a hockey puck the first time, and merely well done the second before I gave up and ate the damn thing).
I've had only two burgers at Tonic (Mt. Pleasant St), but they were both good beef cooked properly so I'll have more.
Stars 'n' Stripes in Crystal City (23rd St) has a sirloin burger that's a bit highfalutin' but always cooked to order and tasty, for those occasions when ground round isn't enough.
The other thing my Okie self can't find is a good greasy spoon burger joint. The diners here all have too many pretentions of glory. Somebody needs to hop a plane to Tulsa, visit Brownie's at 21st & Harvard, sit at the counter and have a burger and a root beer, and see how it's done.
Postulate: a good burger has less to do with the beef and how it is cooked and more to do with the availability of quality and exotic toppings. As support I offer 5 Guys, Fudds.
I can second the stars & stripes suggestion. They've got a burger with beer cheese and a fried onion tangle that's pretty tasty. And on Wednesdays all their burgers are half-price.
First off, props to the folks mentioning Colorado Kitchen -- a great burger that might have slipped my mind otherwise. I'll also give credit to the Sign of the Whale on M St., although bad service lessens the appeal; better service and just as good a burger can be found at the Bottom Line on I St. downtown.
Fourthing the veg-friendly request.
Was at Hamburger Mary's on Saturday, though it now seems to be Dakota Something's. Sale?
Anyway, they offer to sub a veg patty in all of their burgers - a nice change from the usual one-option practices of most chains.
And yes, mark me down in the Five Guys column for the fries (and the grand practice of having malt vinegar on hand!)
The much-maligned Fuddrucker's also has malt vinegar on hand.
Five Guys is the best burger around hands down. Perhaps you are stuck on finding a burger that thinks it's something it's not, but at it's heart it should be: a little greasy, a chewy fresh bun, lots of great toppings, and cooked so that it's both crisp on the outside and tender in the middle. (Doneness may apply to fancy pants burgers, but for a basic awesome burger, done is done). I remember when i first tasted five guys, i flashed back to the best burger I ever made at an outdoor bbq years ago on the jersey shore. It is the platonic ideal of burgerhood (not freakin bovinity).
Thanks for all the great suggestions guys, please keep them coming!
Elevation Burger in Falls Church is non-chain, locally owned, and serves beef and two kinds of veggie burgers (one suitable for vegans).
The burgers are flavorful, the toppings are great (I like mine with extra pickles and balsamic mustard), the olive-oil cooked fries are awesome too.
It is way better than the 'Guys if you ask me.
Wow, no wonder it's so hard to find a proper burger in this town if so many people think it's all about toppings and not the burger itself. I feel like I should recreate the final scene in "Barcelona" so all those poor misguided souls can learn what a burger really is all about. Toppings, schmoppings.
Absolutely, positively Hamburger Mary's on 14th. Those guys are amazing, just don't expect speedy service. Just expect monster burgers and amazing fries and beer pitchers the size of your head.
I love my Five Guys, but yeah, generally for the fries, not the burger.
Four Courts has a mean burger on Monday nights when it's $5.
But the best burger I had in town is gone, sadly, as Joseph's has closed to become Kitty O'Sheas.
Most GW students know that you can always get a great burger at Lindy's Red Lion, located at 2000 Penn. Even vegetarians get their due with a fairly decent veggie burger. Granted, it's not the same as it used to be - their old veggie burgers (circa 2000) tasted like the real thing, but the supplier discontinued the brand. I recall Lindy's having a countdown on their wall, listing the number of patties left until we'd have to move on.
Five guys still runs the show in DC. And FYI, all "regular" burgers come with two patties...so it was not a mistake.
I used to like hamburger mary's as well, but for the style and size of the burger it's always ridiculously charred.
I'd have to say that all things considered...five guys are the best for the money, but the mini-burgers at Matchbox, and Ugly Mug do the trick. The chef who was responsible for these little pieces of heaven has left both of these places, but they live on.
Now, how about a quick shout-out for all of you old-school Washingtonians. Little Tavern, anyone?
Try out the Billy Goat Tavern. The burgers are simple and delicious (though the patties are a little small, so I recommend getting at least a double).
Plus, the bartender (that may or may not run the DC location) always gives me free shots when I stop by.
Most GW students know that you can always get a great burger at Lindy's Red Lion, located at 2000 Penn. Even vegetarians get their due with a fairly decent veggie burger. Granted, it's not the same as it used to be - their old veggie burgers (circa 2000) tasted like the real thing, but the supplier discontinued the brand. I recall Lindy's having a countdown on their wall, listing the number of patties left until we'd have to move on.
The Childe Harold makes one of the best burgers in town.
As for Five Guys, the quality of the burgers varies widely by location. The Chinatown location has been the most consistent, in my experience.
I am a big fan of the "TNT Burger" at Mario's in Arlington. It starts out modest enough, they just toss a frozen patty up on the grill and make you wait like 10 minutes while it cooks. Then, right at the last minute, they toss a generous amount of hot wing sauce and some cheese. The vinegar, fat, and spice of the wing sauce just makes it SO good.
Another interesting burger is at Clare N' Don's in Arlington. They take a 1/2 pound patty, cook it, then top it with cheese and NC-style BBQ pork.
That having been said, Five Guys is still my favorite.
Black's in Bethesda makes a great burger. Shaved red onion, fat tomato slices, lettuce, perfectly seasoned, genuinely cooked to order and served with a side of twice-fried shoe string fries. Plus, half-price on Mondays and $.50 raw oysters at the bar during happy hour... Too bad it's in Bethesda.
Dakota Cowgirl (nee Hamburger Mary's) serves a tasty burger, but it's not a $9 burger, it's a $5 burger and they charge $9 for it. Suck. The "Frontier Burger", if memory serves, is marinated in garlic and vinegar and is a tasty little treat worth checking out... esepcially on half-off Tuesdays.
Poop on Five Guys. Nothing special there, all hype and no delivery. It's like the Breadline of hamburger joints. That being said, my vote goes to Hamburger Marys, even though its burger is bigger than the specified 1/3-1/2, I think. I also like the Tombs, a cheaper version of Clydes.
Disgusting. A quarter pound of cooked flesh that has pumped up with oh so tasty antibiotics and hormones.
Hey, lets build a few more flesh factories, err farms, and dump even more factory farm runoff into the Chesapeake Bay.
Billy Goat is also overrated.
Lindy's Red Lion beats them both, IMO.
I can't believe nobody's mentioned Harry's on 11th & E Sts NW. Huge burgers, cooked perfectly, and it's the greasy spoon sought in an earlier post. It took me 12 years living here to find the best burger in town, and now that I've found it, it's a lunchtime staple.
Yeah, DCist doesn't to many (or any) veggie friendly reviews, a little something from time to time would be nice (and this doesn't mean a sentance after the review that tells me they have veggie burgers too). It's generally helpful if the reviewer is actually a vegetarian.
1) I went to GW and I think Lindy's sucks in comparison to 5 Guys. However...
2) I like 5 Guys in Georgetown okay, but I liked it better when it was Au Pied De Cochon and it was open 24 hrs.
Because I'm a filthy Greek bastard, I like making burgers at home with a little bit of olive oil and oregano in the mix as well.
This appears to be a review about D.C.'s best burger joints, and last time I checked Maryland and Virginia weren't it DC. A location in MD or VA as much of a problem as about 20 health code violations in my book...
Five Guys was great, but now its okay. Or maybe I'm part of the "it was the shiznit back in the day" crew. Who knows?
Fuddruckers? Okay, but nothing special.
Let at that person above who asked for a veggie review. There are tons of other places to review veggie stuff- leave us burger fiends alone ;)
Mark & Orlando's in Dupont Circle at lunch (today even). Don't know if they have them at dinner.
Hamburger Mary's does indeed rule. I also recently tasted St. Ex's excellent burger, as well as a divine Tomato, Havarti and Avocado burger from Busboys and Poets.
I also forgot to mention Cantina Marina down on the waterfront (Southwest). I had an amazing burger there the other night before catching Born Yesterday at the Arena Stage (which was a bit overrated, except for Suli Holum, who was absolutely incredible).
I had a suprisingly good burger at Busboys and Poets this weekend. I think they must use a meatloaf mix for their burgers because it was very moist without being overly juicy. The bun was a little too big and they only provided yellow mustard, but these are minor complaints considering the quality of the meat involved.
Five Guys is decent. Their burgers are better than their overrated fries. Wanna bitch about the lettuce? Don't order lettuce. Five Guys' greatest strength is their toppings.
The Childe Harold has among the best. Lindy's does better.
In fact, Lindy's is very good. Perhaps the best in town.
But no DC burger discussion is worth note without pointing out the Diplomat at the Post Pub. Ounce for ounce, Lindy's beats them, but as a meal... well, you can't call yourself a Washingtonian without having experienced the Dip. I've been gloriously stuffing myself with that behemoth classic for six years now. It's a Washington institution.
Lindy's burgers are always just short of what they could be. It could be that they aim to high with the huge variety of different styles they have, or just that their patties are too small.
I was shut out of 2 Amy's one night (ie - there was a 1 1/2 hour wait) and drove across to Connecticut at Cleveland Park where Nanny O'Brien's seemed to be empty. Since we were in a rush, we decided to eat there, and I consumed what may have been the best blue cheese burger known to man. The patty itself was, it seemed, also perfect (for those of you not into toppings). I'd definitely recommend it.
ah the Nanny burger....I had hoped it'd be mentioned.
Hamburger Mary's is no more. It's "Dakota Cowgirl" now.
I know it doesn't fill the bovinity ideal, but I would have to endorse Cafe Ole's lamb burger on the weekend brunch menu...goat cheese cooked into it and the salsa and mayo on top is great...
For drunk or hangover burgers, Five Guys will always do the job...
I miss Little Tavern and their little gray balls of death.
A little known tasty burger secret. M&S grill and McCormack and Schmicks offer a quite fabulous 1.95 burger and incredible fries special during hh. You just have to order 2 drinks, and they may be the most consistantly good angus burgers I ever had in dc. Nanny O's Burger is pretty good too, but it lacks the charcoal char I crave. The burgers at Les Halles during lunch are great- mixed with a little thyme and shallot- again great fries. though, I stopped for dinner once and was sorely disapointed. Perhaps the turnover during lunch guarantees a better product. Bullfeathers also has pretty decent burgers from my recollection- but oddly enough, McCormack and Schmicks is the one I miss most now that I returned home to nyc.
I apreciate people here reminding me why I never eat out with a vegetarian, they're so annoying!
Moooooooooooooooooo!
..slice..
"When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!"
Polly's Cafe on U St., hands down.
Has no one been to Sign of the Whale on M in Dupont? Holy Shit. They easily have one of the best burgers in town. Made from USDA Prime beef. hand formed patties, a good 1.5 inches thick. Puddles of grease and blood on the plate. Served on a toated onion roll. My favorite is the cajun burger. Blackend and topped with jalapeno cheese and bacon with a side of remoulade. perfection
i wonder if anyone on this board has ever been to a factory where they raise cows?
I think this really shows the different philosophies of what a hamburger should be. To me, the prospect of a "gourmet hamburger," or one made with any sort of exotic addative or topping, is sickening blasphemy. A burger should be as unpretentious as possible: greasy, meaty (to one of the commenters: there's no such thing as too much meat), juicy, chewy, hot hot hot, and completely smothered in cheese and ketchup and whatever else.
If it wasn't already clear, Five Guys is my hands-down fave.
And no, I've never been to a factory where they raise cows. And I'm not planning on it. It might take away from my love of burgers, and I can't allow that to happen.
I just tried the burgers at busboys & poets and it was one of the tastiest burgers I've had in quite a while ... I was incredibly pleased
VeggieFags, whoever you are.... you are SO my hero! I just shot vodka out my nose reading your post!
The Ollie Burger at Ollie's Trolley (12th & E NW) is excellent. And their Ollie Fries are to die for.
I'm jumping on the 5 guys bandwagon. I like that I can get the burger with a ton of toppings, or nothing but the buns. The patty is always just right and has great flavor. It would be nice to find someone who makes a comprable bruger with organic beef, hormone free. I'd pay a little more for that. As for the fries, they are crazy good. But thats because they are double fried, so i've got to limit myself.
As for all you veggie bashers, grow up. I was veggi for 10 years and its hard to find good food. its hard to find something like a good burger that gets the same kind of attention and is the same kind of treat. i know this is a beef burger thread, but we are all looking for the same thing, a good burger. we all want that good feeling in our hands and stomach when we hold a burger, and to feel like we deserve it. And to the veggies spewing meat lover hate, well you'll mature some day.
The Old Ebbitt Grill has a pretty good burger.
Smith & Wolensky. Went there last night. Ate a burger at the bar. Service sucked, but the burger was amazing.
No particular order:
What about the Diner? Pretty tasty if you ask me.
In no order of importance:
-Five Guys
-Topaz. This burger was OFF THE CHARTS AWESOME. But I believe they've gone to the mini-burgers now.
-Sonoma
-Daily Grille (the one near the White House.) Oh my god sorts of yummy...
I'm definitely in the boat that the burger at St. Ex is fantastic.
One surprising place that I had one of the best burgers I've ever had in my life was Mimi's on P street. Fantastic.
The mini cheeseburgers at 15 Ria are remarkable. Super tasty. They come with shoestring fries.
I'm partial to the Atomic Burger at Colonel Brooks Tavern.
I had a GREAT burger at the Argonaut on H St.
PS - I too love 5 Guys
I stand by my earlier comment about St. Ex. Just an exceptional burger all around.
First, let me join the chorus of Fuddruckers poo-pooers. I don't understand how Fudds makes the list and Queen Mary's doesn't. But moving on... I don't do red meat (turkey's A-OK, tho'), so I wanted to drop a couple of spots for my veggieheads: Soul Vegetarian Cafe on Georgia Ave. (get the Marcus Garvey burger), and Ecology health food store on Bonifant Rd. in downtown Silver Spring.
A few other burgers that warrant mentioning: (1) Bottom Line, esp. for its unique shape; (2) Boulevard Woodgrill; and (3) Harry's Tap Room (the latter 2 are in Arlington).
Chef Geoff's is #1 and super cheap during happy hour...plus you never know who else you're going to see eating a burger. Super mugs make it even better.
Front Page makes a pretty awesome burger I must say as well. Five Guys pales in comparison to either.
For all you that have mentioned wanting an organic burger or a veggie burger, check out Elevation Burger in Falls Church - juicy Organic Kobe burgers, veggie burgers and fries cooked in OLIVE OIL (they rock!). It's an independent and so they tend to put their all into it (their website is www.elevationburger.com NOTE that they are closed on sundays though, in spite of what the website says... I got burned on that one one time.) A lot of people have compared them to in-n-out, for what it's worth. I think the comparison is kind of superficial, but people probably say it because they cut the fries right in front of you and it's all really fresh and pretty cheap.
Citypaper has a review -that's worth reading.http://restaurants.washingtoncitypaper.com/restaurant.php?rID=2839
To followup on my last post about Elevation Burger, just found a review of it on www.tartingitup.com