In Search of Bovinity
Bovinity NOUN
1. A state of mind that can only be realized through the perfect incarnation of ground beef prepared in a manner that completely and absolutely satisfies a human's craving for red meat.
2. The perfect hamburger.
ETYMOLOGY: from d vus, god and Late Latin bov nus, from Latin b s , bov-, cow
It starts as a dull throb deep from within whatever portion of our psyche perceives hunger and craving. At first it is easy to ignore, but as the day progresses it grows in intensity and cadence. By lunchtime it’s a steady drum beat, by mid afternoon a roll, and when the work day ceases it peaks as an all out roar. The addiction is to the ground beef sandwich knows as hamburger, and the withdrawal is impossible to ignore.
At its max, any incarnation can quell your appetite. Even fast food versions can at least temporarily satisfy if the desire is strong enough. If you’re craving reaches carnal proportions, however, and burger perfection is obtained, the satisfaction can be almost overwhelming. The contentment as one gently presses on a freshly-toasted bun, releasing splendid flavors from the folds of loosely packed ground beef. The first bite, the rush, the endorphin release. It’s a sensation that resonates to your very core producing a state that can only be described as true Bovinity.
It’s not always that bad of course. Most of the time, and for most people, we just want a satisfying burger after work. That doesn’t mean, however, that we want to belittle the experience. When burger cravings call, no matter what the intensity, we just want a good and satisfying burger. A big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat should be more than enough to placate our desires. Yet give us burger perfection and we’ll respond with burger bliss.
Perfection though, means many things to many people. When this DCist asked other contributors to describe the perfect burger in 20 words or less, responses were as diverse as D.C.’s culture.
To quote one DCist…”Worcestershire marinade. Rare inside, slightly crisped outside. Lettuce, tomato, pungent onion. Toasted sesame bun. Ketchup on top”Another grammatically put it …“thick, rare, crusty bunned, (blue) cheesey, (sauteed) oniony, rare, rare, rare, tomatoey, mayonaisey, and maybe arugala-y.”
In exactly twenty words…”A little minced garlic and black (or white) pepper, juicy, lightly pink inside, at least the same size as bun.”
And our favorite might be the simply put... “black outside, red in the center.”
With so many differences in opinion, DCist decided that if we were ever going to find true bovinity we had to approach the problem with Zen-like simplicity. We were also concerned about subjectivity so we wanted to take a systematic approach. To help solidify our process for finding God on a bun, we have detailed a few burger requirements below...
The burger shall be thick
But not too thick of course. The thinner burgers cranked out at higher-volume chains can't produce the sandwich we want -- nay, need. That said, we also want to get our hands and mouths around this thing without undue embarrassment. The perfect size for a burger is a function of proportion but is probably 1/3 to 1/2 of a pound and 3/4 to one inch thick.
The burger shall be juicy
If a burger doesn't mark its territory, it's already a lost cause. We expect a puddle on our plates to replace the burger that was there before. The bigger the puddle the better the burger.
The burger shall be cooked to the requested doneness
DCist understands that we all have our own tastes, so we wont try to push our perfect doneness (medium rare to medium) on the masses. What we will mandate however is receiving what we request. Medium means pink...not well done, and cooked to order means cooked how we order, not when we order.
The burger shall be comprised of beef
No fillers, no chicken, no turkey, no soy. 100 percent ground beef is the only path to true Bovinity
The burger shall be tasty
If burgers were in a beauty pageant this category would be akin to that je ne sais quoi. It’s hard to put your finger on exactly what tasty is -- after all, tasty is as tasty does -- but there are certainly some burger attributes that help. One DCist likened it to the balance of the classical elements earth, air, fire and water. The tastiest burgers embrace each in a patty that is loosely packed (air), juicy (water), full of beef flavor (earth), and ever so slightly charred on the outside (fire).
So where does one find this perfect burger? The Post had a great idea when they queried the public in its Best Bets feature, the results, however, were less than stellar for our purposes as the effort dissolved into a popularity contest.
1. Five Guys
These guys are the Willy Wonkas of burgercraft. You can whip up hundreds of burger combinations with their free toppings and munch on endless amounts of free peanuts while you wait. Some say the fries at this super casual joint are the very best around.2. Fuddruckers
3. Whitlow's on Wilson
4. Red Robin
5. Clyde's
Five Guys may crank out burgers in Willy Wonka proportions, but on numerous visits we determined the fries to be the only golden ticket worth serious praise. Fuddruckers?... please make it stop. It is said that Jesus walked the path less frequently trod, and we are fairly certain that popularity will not lead us to true Bovinity.
So, in an effort to find the truly divine, we turn to our loyal readers. With the above burger requirements in mind, where would you go to meat your maker? Who amongst us really makes a better burger?
Leave us a note in the comments. During the next few days we’ll compile your votes and assemble a list before hitting the streets using your recommendations as a path to all that is holy. In a multi-part series, we will explore your nominations for D.C.’s best burger joints, recoil from burger atrocities, and even learn some tips for reaching Bovinity at home. At the end of our journey each of us will know where to turn when addiction invokes our next spiritual crisis. At the very least, the next time your cravings call, you’ll have a fail-safe list for burger indulgence that is not likely to let you down.