Valentine’s Day: Do you hate the crass commercialization of love and the fact that it forces you to analyze your current relationship status (or non-status, as the case may be)? Or, do you secretly love the gooey sentiment and the small window of time where it's socially acceptable for you to dot your "I's" with hearts and spray cologne on a card? Color us apathetic.

Regardless of your feelings about the holiday, it's a reality. And if you're in a relationship, this likely will require you to bestow some sort of token of affection upon your (insert commitment level title here). And guys, while we applaud those among you who are adept at choosing thoughtful and appropriate gifts, we understand that many of you…aren't.

Now, this may come as a shock, but women tend to overanalyze, so to avoid inadvertently sending the wrong message with your token of affection, we’ve assembled a handy translation guide of common gifts and what many ladies will interpret them to mean.

Flowers

- A dozen red roses: I'm smitten (and terribly uncreative).

- Four red roses: I got these for $3 when I got off the Metro.

- Carnations: I want to break up.

- Silk flowers: I'm painfully ironic. And cheap.

Wine

- Bottle: I want to toast our relationship with a fine vintage.

- Box: I need to be really drunk to tell you how I feel.

Jewelry

While it's true that diamonds are not every girl's best friend, cubic zirconia are not even an acquaintance. And please don't say bling. Ever.

Also, contrary to what commercials would have you believe, no woman calls her friend and shrieks, "He went to Jared!" So, avoid diamond heart pendants or any piece of jewelry that comes pre-packaged or sewn to a teddy bear’s stomach. In fact, maybe you should avoid chain stores altogether. (Note: this excludes little blue boxes).

Need some help?

If the Whitman’s Sampler you picked up at CVS suddenly seems lame, check out Crafts + Kisses, a shopping and music event featuring local indie designers tonight from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. at the DC Arts Center (2438 18th St. NW). Designers include Bookish Lady, Boxes by Nina, Kristina Bilonick, Frosty Nowita, Ben Claasen III and Bookwyrms. Even if Cupid hasn’t shot you yet, he will be on hand for pictures. Or you can buy him a drink at the cash bar.

Also, on Sunday, Unsung Designers is offering guys an “afternoon quickie.” (It’s not as dirty as it sounds.) Owners Grace Wang and Alishia Frey are opening their showroom (2412 18th St. NW) to help guys pick out decidedly un-lame gifts in a non-threatening environment (a.k.a. no hyperactive perfume spritzers or overly enthusiastic lingerie salespeople).

Oh, one more thing: What do heart-shaped Mylar balloons mean? I made reservations at the Olive Garden.