March 2, 2006
Excerpts From a Crime Report
Obviously, crime is no laughing matter. Reading the crime reports included in the Post's District Extra section can be quite sobering; it's tough to grasp just how many people come face to face with crime on a daily basis. However, there are times when it's healthy to chuckle about the minor stuff, so today we bring you Excerpts from a Crime Report. Many thanks to the Post and the MPD.
-- MICHIGAN AVE., 600 block, 11:45 p.m. Feb. 11. A male with a knife threatened a female pedestrian on a campus and demanded cash. The pedestrian said she had cash in her dormitory room. The pedestrian went into her residence, and the robber waited outside. An arrest was made.
-- 18TH AND L STREETS, 5:45 p.m. Feb. 10. A man, 23, hugged a female acquaintance and refused to let go. The female slapped him. The man fled with keys and a wallet.
-- COLUMBIA RD., 1700 block, 4:45 to 7:30 p.m. Feb. 12. Two people attempted to break into a store with a screwdriver. Two people were arrested.
-- CONNECTICUT AVE., 5500 block, 8 p.m. Feb. 11 to 5:50 a.m. Feb. 12. Meat was taken from a restaurant entered by drilling a hole in a basement door.
-- STEPHENSON PL., 3000 block, 10:24 to 10:50 a.m. Feb. 15. Two pens were taken from a home entered through a dog door in the basement.
-- BUTLER ST., 1500 block, 12:30 a.m. Feb. 12. A gunman robbed two people loading a vehicle of purses.
-- MASSACHUSETTS AVE., 4200 block, 3 to 3:10 a.m. Feb. 15. Five people entered an apartment through an unlocked door. One left and the others remained. When then the rest left, a resident discovered a music player had been taken.
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I unfortunately forgot to lock my car doors one Saturday night two weeks ago, parking my car at the intersection of 19th and S NW in Dupont, and awoke Sunday morning to find my car had been entered. Fortunately I don't leave anything of value in the car, but this guy was so desperate he took 2 pairs of dollar-store sunglasses. Does the generic Honda stereo have ANY resale value? They left that behind. Strange.
When apartment wasrobbed a few years back, the thief took all my pocket change from dish where I keep my change, EXCEPT for the pennies, which were carefully sorted through and left alone.
This is _so_ much better than Overheard in DC or whatever it's called. This should definitely be a periodic feature.
I love the Overheard in DC feature, but I agree you should definitely post these crime reports more regularly.
Oh, that's hilarious.
Who stages The Italian Job for some effing meat?
Mario Battali, maybe?
columbia road...a screwcriver?
they should have used a rum and coke in that neighborhood
I do have a sense of humor and a few of these posts are just plain silly.
But the first woman was held at KNIFEPOINT. Come on, DCist, how is that funny? She must have been scared out of her mind. When someone attacks you, especially with a weapon, you do what they say...you do whatever they want to get out of that situation. She must have been very, very shaken up, and I'm glad she's OK.
I hope that woman (and her family and friends) never see this post. To have that ordeal trivialized is awful. Just awful. Shame on you, DCist.
*screwdriver
Alanah,
I imagine once the shock and horror of being threatened with a knife wore off a bit that even the victim had to chuckle at the stupidity of her assailant waiting outside for her to retrieve her money (as she actually called the police).
The real shame is that you can't chuckle at it, too.
I guess there's just something about violence against women that just leaves some of us cold, KDC. Trust me, as someone speaking from experience, anytime you're dialing 911, you're not chuckling.
I have to agree with KDC...somethings, no matter how scary or dangerous, have to be laughed at at the end of the day. I mean, if I was in that situation, and I was retelling the story, I would be laughing my ass off. Who is really stupid enough to wait like that?
That is the same premise that makes America's Funniest Home Videos (sometimes) funny...see someone get kicked in the balls, fall off their roof while getting a frisbee, or getting pushed into the water even though they can't swim...as long as no one really got hurt, you have to laugh. It is plain silly.
I would also like to see more Stupid Criminal Acts in the DCist. I also dig the "Overheard in DC". Keep it up!
I trust that DCist didn't post that one to laugh at a woman held at knife-point and the point of that post was the theif waiting outside for her to get cash from her dorm room. Would it be more acceptable to you if it was changed to say a male was held-up instead? Would you chuckle then?
A man, 23, hugged a female acquaintance and refused to let go. The female slapped him. The man fled with keys and a wallet.
Whose keys and wallet did he take? Hers or his own?
I like to think that fleeing with keys and a wallet is another way of saying he left feeling embarrassed. Like:
Man, Fred took off when he saw his fly was unzipped.
Yeah, he fled with keys and a wallet.
As someone who's been mugged several times, I know how scary it is to be involved in something like this. I'm not ever going to choose something where someone's been hurt, and I do think the best way to come to terms with these things is to laugh. Particularly when the criminals are idiots.
DCist Jim. Apparently, your Honda is more of a crime magnet than my Ford. I often forget to lock my car, even when I lived in CH and never once had entered. (Although, when I lived in a warehouse in Oakland, CA, we used to INTENTIONALLY leave our cars unlocked. The homeless people just wanted a place to sleep. And if you locked your car, they were going to break in. If you kept it unlocked, your locks would still work the next day.)
My favorite is this one:
Two people attempted to break into a store with a screwdriver. Two people were arrested.
The comic timing is perfect. You know the people that write these get a kick out of these types of reports. You can't blame them when so many of their reports must be soul crushingly depressing.
I agree with Diana and Alanah. Sure, it's funny the guy waited. But being held at knifepoint is not something you just "laugh your ass off" about, no matter how jaded, cynical or snarky you might think you are.
4:45 to 7:30 p.m. Feb. 12. Two people attempted to break into a store with a screwdriver.
I don’t know what’s worse -- that these guys spent the better part of THREE HOURS in the middle of the day unsuccessfully trying to break in, or that they went unnoticed and/or unreported for this long. How does this happen?
was the crime that he hugged his aquaintence too long on the street corner?
very funny. I think i saw some people hugging near the Safeway on 19th Street. I should have called the cops.
A CUA student thinks on her feet. Impressive!
Good God people, no one's laughing at the lady who had the knife pulled on her, they're laughing at the dumb crook who waited for her! Chill out!
Yes I agree with Diana and company. It's never, ever, appropriate to find humor when someone's life is in danger.
Like for instance Cheney shooting someone in the face with buckshot. Certainly Diana and company didn't have a chuckle over that. Or anything off the Darwin Awards. Nothing remotely amusing about that, certainly. And you're worse than a puppy-killer if you read News of the Weird in the Citypaper and do anything but cry at the crimes-gone-wrong.
when I lived in a warehouse in Oakland, CA
Holy crap! You lived in a warehouse! Are you sure you weren't a bum? :)
Actually, I always thought it would be cool to live in one of those renovated non-traditional residential structures, like a warehouse or church or firehouse. You could do some wacky shit with the architecture. There's an old church in Annapolis that was converted to condos and looks absolutely gorgeous. I can't imagine how much it cost to purchase that thing, though.
What I wouldn't do for a house with a fireman's pole.
Diana: "I guess there's just something about violence against women that just leaves some of us cold, KDC. Trust me, as someone speaking from experience, anytime you're dialing 911, you're not chuckling."
Violence against women (or men) is not funny. For the record, though, I have been held up at gunpoint in DC. My Vespa was taken from me at a streetlight. I was not then laughing then (as I called 911), I assure you. But when my scooter was found and it was obvious it had crashed while moving, I laughed my ass off.
Please understand, I'm laughing at the stupid criminals, not at the scary situation I was in, nor at the scary situation that poor women was in.
I thought that was obvious. Lighten up.
I thought that was obvious. Lighten up.
Yes...very obvious. But lightening up isn't going to happen. This is DC after all...where people sue over kickball.
On HGTV, they have a show called "ReZoned" where they showcase non-traditional homes. I heart that show.
And to stay somewhat on topic, well said andrew and Reid.
This so reminds me of my college paper's security files (the most-read feature, by far). Brings me back in time to some goodies like
Thursday
A woman reported finding a suspicious white powdery substance resembling anthrax in her dorm room. Security determined the substance to be residue to be from Drake's Powdered Donuts.
or "the substance to be residue from Drake's Powdered Donuts." Oops.
GhettoBurbs, don't you have to be some sort of superhero or supervillain to live in one of those places? That seems to be the way it works in the movies and on TV.
"I hope that woman (and her family and friends) never see this post. To have that ordeal trivialized is awful. Just awful. Shame on you, DCist."
Are you kidding me? That woman is tough. She kept her cool, told the guy she was going to go inside and GET MONEY AND BRING IT OUT TO HIM! That's awesome. That's brave. That's hard-ass. I have serious doubts that she would be nearly as upset about this feature as the rest of you.
MJF, i just laughed my ass off at that one.
I've always wanted to buy an old school building- classrooms are a good size for a nice big bedroom, a bandhall would make a rocking home theater, you could throw an awesome dinner party with access to an industrial kitchen and big cafeteria space.
Now all I need is to win a 300 million powerball so I can buy one and renovate it.
Well at least two of the vintage DC schoolhouses have been turned into condos (14th and Q and one in the lower East Village of G'town). I imagine the 10 foot tall windows are pretty sweet.
In fact DC's full of priceless early twentieth century school houses. Most sit deteriorating, either from use or neglect, or both. I know the Jackson School on R st. in Georgetown is loaned out to an artist's group. Some have been converted to different uses (I think the landmark Franklin School houses the school administrators, and one schoolhouse near North Capitol and Georgetown Law is a shelter).
DC ought to focus on preserving these priceless buildings. I'd prefer them not to turn into condos, but that's still better than destruction.
Unless they've moved, I think most of the administrators are located at the Sumner School over near the National Geographic, and that the amazing Franklin School building is still criminally underused. I think it would make a good museum site, it's right near the National Museum of Women in the Arts and could help pull people off the Mall and into downtown.