You're pretty angry, D.C. Pissy, opinionated and infuriated. Good job.

We asked you to provide your best Lewis Black-style rants about life in Washington, and you came through. We heard about sour CVS employees, transit woes and the city government — and of course there was an entry or two about us (we love you guys, too).

But in the end there can be only three winners, because that's how many Lewis Black DVDs we have to give away. So particular congratulations go to Gabriel Fry for an inspired riff on D.C. alternative radio, dcRat for a hunger-banishing critique of the city's food carts, and cminus for a meta-rant about the contest itself. Lew would be proud. But you failed to leave email addresses, so if you'd like to claim your fabulous prizes, email me at tom (at) dcist.com with details on where we should ship the loot. We've got the original comments' IP addresses, so fakers need not apply.

The rest of you can find the winning entries behind the cut.

Gabriel Fry:

Dear DC alternative rock radio:

I have a suggestion that you may want to consider: curl up and die. In all seriousness, I think this course of action is in everyone's best interest. To illustrate my point, why don't we engage in the classic "It's A Wonderful Life" exercise and take a hypothetical look at what the nation's capital would be like without you? First and foremost, the citizens of the District and its suburbs would be bereft of your vital, up-to-the-minute music news, such as the employment status of Korn's tour guitarist, reports of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's baby, and Courtney Love's recent revelation that Kurt Cobain attempted suicide at one point. Secondly, without your website, there would be one less place on the internet to check out anonymous, mercilessly airbrushed college girls in chartreuse thongs, bending over to pick up something shiny off the ground. Given the relative scarcity of that sort of content on the world wide web, that could be quite the catastrophe. Third, those of us in the male, 18-34 age bracket who have made it over the daunting hurdle that is a fifth-grade education would have to turn elsewhere for crude, patronizing advertising for everything from cars to soft drinks to the Guitar Center's weekly sales on plywood guitars. We would be like babes in the wilderness without your amphetamine-crazed baritone to shepherd our spending habits. No, not that kind of babe; pay afuckingttention. Fourth, we would be forced to brave our morning commute without the vapid chatter and hyena cackle of your pudgy (if intellectually emaciated) mascot, Elliot. Think of the potential damage to our collective IQ brought on by the sudden absence of his musings on beer, tits, and fags; some of us might learn to read in the time we would otherwise have spent furiously pounding the redial button on our phones, trying to win that new yellow H2, or those priceless front-row seats to see Tonic. Without you, there might be room on the dial for a station or two that actually cared about music, instead of a testosterone-fueled training program for the Future Drunk-Drivers of the National Capital Area (Hopelessly Inarticulate Division) masquerading as a worthwhile broadcast outlet. Lastly, but certainly not least, only those of us who have actually taken steps to procure Hoobastank's latest effort would have the opportunity to listen to the almost-Diane-Warren-quality ballad "the Reason" upwards of six times per day. Ditto with anything by Audioslave or Trapt. That alone would certainly justify bumping the color-coded emergency preparedness index up a notch or two.

I know what you're thinking, DC alternative rock radio, I've forgotten something: your support of the local music scene. How could I have left out the monumental influence you have had on the quality of DC-area bands? Groups like Welbilt, Army of Me, Sev, and Crash Boom Bang. Without your tepid endorsement, those artists might not have had the psychological or financial wherewithal to push the creative envelope as far as they have, and they might not have accomplished the notable feat of "putting DC music on the map" to the extent currently observable. Why, with a vanguard like that, international critical acclaim is but a hop, skip, and a jump away, right? But without you, our poor region would be stuck with the likes of the Dismemberment Plan, Citizen Cope, the Walkmen, and Q And Not U as our most notable recent exports. Dark days indeed, yes?

Please consider my suggestion. Fuckers.

dcRat:

Food carts, why can you only get a dog at the food carts? I mean if all I wanted to do was eat weenies, I would head out to the NAMBLA convention. What would it take to serve a falafel or steak and cheese? If there was a grill in there, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about the water bath being used as someone personal rest stop. Don’t even get me started on a half smoke, being smoked is like being pregnant, either you is or you ain’t. If something going to get half smoked around here it is going to be the half baked bike messengers in Dupont Circle, not a freakin hot dog!

cminus:

How do you know if something's a fair contest? It has rules. Take the World Series. They don't say, just before the third game of the World Series, that today they'll be playing Canadian-rules football. Maybe they should -- who doesn't want to see Johnny Damon decide to run out a would-be rouge and get pile-driven into the turf at the two? -- but they don't.

I bring this up because DCist has changed the reward for their latest contest in mid-stream. First, they promise the winner a DVD, then they say it'll be a different DVD. That's not how we do things in America! If an American runs for the Presidency and wins, we don't make him President of Liberia -- we wait six years and flock to see his documentary on global warming, like the Founding Fathers intended!

You know, on second thought? As a nation, we followed the rules, and we got President Bush and Johnny Damon running around with hardly any limbs broken. Following the rules is stupid! Cheating is an epithet applied by losers to superior strategy. So, I salute you, DCist! Now, what's the promotional password to buy early tickets to the next Snow Patrol concert?

Ryan?