DCist Interview: Jennifer Dziura

What was Dartmouth like? Always stirring up trouble over there?

First off, Dartmouth was shockingly cold. I came from Virginia Beach, and the very idea that you could wear pants, but still might be cold, was so weird. That whole layering thing? Yeah, didn’t get that. Like, it was severely cold all the time. I would just sleep in my dorm room all day, hiding under the covers. It was the only place warm enough. I remember feeling my snot literally freeze in my nose. And the membrane on the outside of your eyeball? That froze, too. Basically, any moisture would freeze.

It's the most conservative of the Ivies, so there wasn't much performance art. Basically, I just liked to post funny flyers around campus. Here’s a good example. Especially for you D.C. people.

Before the 2000 elections, all of the Republican nominees visited Dartmouth, except Bush, actually. It was the New Hampshire Presidential Primaries, and Dartmouth is a really important location during all that. Anyways, Alan Keyes was speaking on the Green with his gaggle of press people nearby. I remember thinking, “Alan Keyes is here? Meh.” Then it just hit me. I put on my Matrix Trinity costume with boots and printed up a bunch of flyers. I spent about twenty minutes typing up things like, “Support the Mandatory Extra-Terrestrial Testing of All Candidates.” Or “Free Puppies and Pregnancy Tests For the Rich.” I even wore sunglasses at night. It was hardcore. Everyone at the rally was so baffled. Like is she for or against Keyes? His press people came up to me, all worried, wondering if I was trying to get on TV. Bodyguards kept looking at me since they had nothing else to worry about security-wise. And I was just like, I’m wearing spandex in the middle of a New Hampshire winter—do you really think I could hide a gun in here?

Sounds like you enjoy poking fun at politics.

I wouldn't consider myself an especially political person. When I think about elections, I basically think of it as every four years when a bunch of bisexuals shave off their pubic hair, and think up witty slogans about Bush and bushes. That’s not really my thing.

I was actually president of my high school class one year, though. I would make signs like, “Jen owns an American Heritage Dictionary and a fold-up chair” and people would vote for me. Turns out I actually wasn’t that good at the leading-the-people part. How can you lead a group of people when you don’t actually like them? I’d orchestrate this subversive, anti-authority campaign, then win and have to plan something stupid like homecoming. I had no interest in homecoming. I didn’t care about the floats. I wanted to cancel it altogether and just make everyone read more.

I'm starting to picture the high school version of Jen Dziura. How would you describe this generation of now creative entrepreneurs and pseudo-professional bloggers like yourself, back in high school?

In my heart, I’ll always be wearing Doc Martens. I think Reality Bites really sums up my generation. Honestly, that’s us right there. We’re watching Blossom. Blossom was and is the shit. And reading Sassy magazine. Sassy was an amazing, awesome thing. Then the publishing company turned into Jane and it got all corporatey and less quality. Kurt Cobain’s suicide was a big deal. That’s my generation right there.

And the Internet? You’re a 28 year-old MySpace personality with over 1600 friends. Many of which are probably strangers. Do you notice a generation gap in this online community right now?

Definitely. Take MySpace for example. Some of us use it as a social network, others for business. The latter is my crowd. Most of my friends are artist-types using their MySpace to advertise music, comedy and other projects. With so many sites like Facebook, this, that and the other, I can only keep my blogs and MySpace profile under control. Everything else is too much.

Like have you heard of Dodgeball? So bizarre. Every time you go somewhere, a bar or club for example, you text them, and they’ll text back with everyone you know at that spot. Scary, right? I was on it for about a month, but couldn’t handle it. Especially since I’m not really a gregariously social person in real life.

You? Not gregariously social? Sure about that?

I’m really not. And have found that most comedians up on stage are up there for a reason. They’re not naturally extroverted people, and don’t do well at parties. For me personally, if I’m going to a bar, I’d much rather be the bartender. Much more anonymous. That’s probably why I love lounging in my PJs all day, rather than going into an office.

Your current office seems to be the road. Is it nice escaping claustrophobic New York?

Absolutely. Being on the road forces you to meet really cool people. Like the guy who runs the art space in one town. Or an entire roller derby squad somewhere else. So many awesome people with awesome lifestyles. And they also own a house, lawn and two kids. Not that I have any desire to mow lawns, specifically, but you could never get away with that in New York. You could never have a guest bedroom in New York. I just noticed on Craigslist recently an actual ad for shelf space. Literally the size of a sleeping bag for two hundred bucks a month in New York. Can you imagine that? Calling them and saying, yes, I want to sleep on your shelf. And I will pay for it. There's this idea in New York that you can't have a quality family life and be a city dweller.

What about Washington? What's your impression of our folk so far?

This is my first performance in Washington, and I have another lined up in Norfolk, my hometown, in March.

Hm, my impression of Washington is that people have major fashion issues. You guys are always wearing a uniform or something. Do you just not care how you look? If you have such awesome jobs, why not buy awesome things? If I worked for a think tank, I’d show up in such amazing suits. And here Washington is still wearing button earrings. Come on guys, let loose. Mess up your hair a bit. So many ambitious, intelligent people just wearing blah uniforms. I'm basing this on time spent waiting around at Union Station.

Currently, I’m staying with a friend in Silver Spring and keeping busy. My brother is a GMU grad and fire-fighter in Fairfax. He’s coming to my shows this week and he’s double my size. Literally two of me equal him.

Is everyone in your family funny? What was growing up like? Awkward like the rest of us?

My family was very unsentimental and sarcastic, which actually became a problem growing up. I did all these things like Girl Scouts, and then my Brownies troop leader would call my mom and say, she’s too sarcastic. She intimidates the other girls. I had trouble fitting in at school with the whole sarcasm thing.

Here’s a good example. In the sixth grade, this note I wrote was so funny, it was passed around to other classes. My friend Crystal was caught with it, but the principal realized she couldn’t have written it. So Crystal ratted me out. It was a full page and a half. The principal Xeroxed a copy, then sent it home with a letter to my parents. We’re sitting at dinner that night and my mom reads the note. Then Dad reads the note, and laughs his ass off.

I was eleven. The note was in the format of an Elementary school sex column Q/A. So my dad asks, where did you get this? And my mom said, your daughter wrote it. He continued laughing his ass off. That was basically my family.

So you’ve got a little snarky columnist in you like the rest of us?

That’s actually how I started writing comedy. I was somewhat of a local celebrity in Virginia—they had me writing a teen column for the Virginian Pilot. I wrote over 150 columns in four years. This meant all through adolescence, I had Christian conservatives sending me hate mail. Other teens hated me, too. Some loved me. It was supposed to cover “teen issues” but the column became my own humor column. I could discuss newsy events through my sarcastic lens.

We like news. And making fun of it. How much of the political or “newsworthy” is part of your comedy?

I like real life events, then turning them into something of my own. That’s why I like writing news-related jokes, similar to what you’d see on SNL’s Weekend Update.

My comedy is not for everyone, though. Nor do I want it to be. All of my shows, for example here in Washington, are not at comedy clubs. I don’t want comedy that spells "laugh" with two f’s. The strange part about comedy clubs is the average person goes in there expecting to laugh. That doesn’t happen with other art forms like music. There are niches, like jazz clubs.

I’m not trying to be the most famous comedian in the world. If “Everybody Loves Raymond” is funny to you, then I’m not your girl. Love Dorothy Parker? Then I’m your girl.

What else can we expect at this week's show?

I’m traveling with Molly Crabapple, who founded a cabaret-style drawing group back in 2005 called Dr. Sketchy's Anti-Art School. We've had lots of fun on the road together, and will be posting our photos online soon. A tour diary of sorts. We might actually mess around take candid pictures today.

Last question, can I be you?
(Laughs)

No seriously. Can I graduate and be you?

Jennifer Dziura's Comedy Rock Star Sex Party is tonight at 9 p.m. at The Red and the Black, 1212 H St NE, Washington, D.C. Tickets are $8, plus free red beans and rice with 2-drink minimum.

Her What Philosophy Majors Do After College show is Wednesday at 8 p.m. at D.C. Arts Center, 2438 18th St. NW. Tickets are $10. And she might even share a falafel with you afterwards.

Photo by Ryan Brenizer.