Caps Briefing: Now With Gratuitous Shoutouts!!!
Try as we may've, we couldn't convince Dave that Monopoli should follow suit in a local equivalent, and when he sees the Caps new uniforms, he's definitely not going to go for it. Elliot In The Morning has posted an unconfirmed photograph of the fashion fiasco the Caps are going to squeeze their players into for next season. There's been talk around the team of a similar concept, so we believe this is the real deal, but no one could have predicted such horrible execution.
Unconfirmed photograph of the new Caps jerseys by flickr user Eye Captain.
Seriously. What happened to design? What happened to symmetry? Why didn't somebody move that star over so the top could line up with the letter A, and the bottom could line up with both sides of the dome, instead of just slapping it in there some random way and messing everything up?
We're glad to see they've dropped the cartoon eagle and toned down the contrast on the picture of the capital dome a little bit, but this is a hilariously bad outfit. This is the hockey equivalent of showing up for brunch carrying a gold lamme bowling ball bag.
And what's with the white arm-pit stripes? Is this really the new elite hockey-wear? How much more game-worn do we need our jerseys to look? What sane person would ever design clothing specifically for a strenuous anaerobic activity that promotes profuse perspiration with a special strip of fabric designed exclusively to show off how much the players sweat?
We've heard that the richest bankers on Wall Street wear white raincoats to show that they never walk near puddles or actual dirt, but now are the Caps trying to show off that they are so talented they don't even sweat? This goes against everything the franchise has ever stood for, and we have no idea who would have come up with such a horrible concept.
Either these newfangled plastic shirts are so cheap to pull out of a machine that Reebok is going to supply each player with a new one for every game, or the Capitals are about to become world-famous for the size, shape and variety of their underarm stains.
We were excited when we heard that new fabric technology would reduce drag and water weight, allowing players to skate nine percent faster. If true, this patently absurd claim would give speedsters like Alexander Ovechkin and Alexander Semin an extra two or three breakaways every game. But will it be worth it if all anyone notices are the streaks under their shoulders?
With luck, the Capitals will immediately issue a press release denying any affiliation with these horrible color choices and start working on something a little less emasculating before Monopoli put on the foil for their residency at DC9 tonight, or at least in time for the opening of the DCist Exposed photography show at Warehouse Next Door tomorrow at 6:30pm.