September 20, 2007
DieYuppieKickball.com -- Best Web Site Ever?
We first heard about DieYuppieKickball.com over the weekend -- like some seed that had been delicately germinating for a few weeks, it burst forth into the sunlight of popular consciousness seemingly all at once, displaying its angry, vengeful sprout for all to see. In other words, seems like everyone's been talking about this lately.
It surely doesn't take too much explanation to understand what this web site is all about, but here's an excerpt from the DieYuppieKickball Manifesto, just in case you didn't get it right away:
The generations of your fathers and your father's fathers have answered their call all down their lines of stead-fast resolve. They stood shoulder to shoulder at Bunker Hill. They charged those icy beaches in France head-on. Think of those eyes now turning to you my friends each time you hear that whistle and the whack of an adult foot on a rubber playground ball. What do those eyes tell you when the asshole-parade of rainbow shirts suddenly crowds into your holy places of drink and real camaraderie? What will you say to your children whom you allowed to be so cowed by the yuppie class war that they whine about your feet and cannot begin to function without a social life you had Fedexed for them from China? I'll tell you your answer! I say NO! NO! NO to the Reebok boot of chump-hood against the neck of our future! NO to the gentrified repackaging and reduction of our heritage to predetermined color-codes. NO to this flight from reality back to little-league baseball insulation! And God Damnit NO to this invasion stupefying lock-step collectivism into our beer-flowing foundries of revolutionary thought!
Despite being a little confused about the Fedexed from China reference, suffice it to say there are many on the DCist staff who want in on the coming war. Then again, there are also a few who play kickball, the most litigious of all recreational team sports designed to facilitate binge drinking. Could this battle tear us, or even the whole city, apart?
One DCist staff member, whose name is being withheld for the sake of his personal safety, applied for membership, and got this reply:
"And so the lone prophet stood before the heathens who did grovel and lament about his person. In one hand, he held a kickball. And in the other he held the Good Book. 'Friends,' he spayketh, 'Why does hate exist? Is not hate an analog of suffering? No, my children. Hate is an understanding. Merely an acceptance. An acceptance of the duality of nature, the duality of man, the duality of truth. To dismiss hate is to dismiss Evil. To embrace hate is to embrace Good. Friends, I have stood on the fences of apathy. I have sat by the road watching some move left and some move right. But without moving I could never move forward. Hate, my friends, is what propels us. Hate is the manifestation of good which by definition reflects God himself..."He paused, and he opened the book. But instead of pages, there was a carved hollow- a shell.. revealing only a dagger.
Application passed: await instructions.
Will the blood of kickball players flow through the streets? Will you join the anti-kickball army?
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While I respect the flowery and ridiculous speech of the manifesto, I don't understand the anti-kickball movement. I'm part of a kickball team (though in Arlington, not DC) and look forward to an hour outside on Wednesday nights running around playing kickball for the fun of it. It's a little fun, a little exercise, and then a trip to the bar. Why are you guys hatin'? You can play too.
Yuppies vs. hipsters:
ZZZZZZZZZZ
Kickball was the only sport I was ever good at in school. Apparently this is true for many people and they've banded together somehow.
Frankly, I have friends who play kickball, but I find some of the culture surrounding this new fad rather annoying.
Though not really annoying enough to wage war against it.
KICK ASPHALTS are the World Champions..bow before us!!! waka waka waka...
guest #2
"Yuppies vs. hipsters:
ZZZZZZZZZZ"
THIS
Actually, I take it back. That website is hilarious, particularly the Mad Libs. Sorry, but making fun of vapid DC careerist prep-zombies is a guilty pleasure.
Hater websites are generally boring.. except 49erhaters.com goddamn that was a good site.
I agree with DCFist's first comment. The people raging against the kickballers are at least as big douchebags as the kickballers themselves. It's one of those battles where you hope both sides are obliterated.
Graet concept--I played a few years ago, but never signed up again as there were too many meetings. WAKA sucked the fun out of a game; the people running the league will make great little league parents.
"Though not really annoying enough to wage war against it."
Did you not read the quoted e-mail?
"Friends, I have stood on the fences of apathy. I have sat by the road watching some move left and some move right. But without moving I could never move forward."
These people DO NOT play kickball because they are good at kickball. They play kickball because they like beer and free t-shirts.
"cannot begin to function without a social life you had Fedexed for them from China?"
There's something difficult to understand about that? I'm pretty sure it's just referring to the incessant need for fashion items that are all, well, made in China. It's quite in line with their repeated jabs at people caring how they're dressed.
I was going to say that I don't really find this site's over-the-top verbosity and incredulously buried agenda all that funny, but then I saw the tactics page. So I might've laughed out loud at The Suicide-Bomber.
I have a game tonight around 7ish in Adams Morgan...hint hint hint. Please target the black team, they are the archetype Douche Bags
I thought that was pretty funny. It seems to be about 90% joke and 10% I'm-a-skinny-ex-college-radio-type-that-was-trying-to-talk-to-this-girl-at-the-Big-Hunt-when-a-kick-ball-team-arrived-and-she-then-said-she-had-to-go-to-the-bathroom-and-would-be-right-back-but-within-five-minutes-I-saw-her-talking-to-this-frattish-guy-from-the-kickball-team-and-could-have-sworn-I-saw-them-point-my-way-and-laugh.
Funniest site I've seen since dogbutt.com
I think they're about 2 years too late for the hating on kickballers fad.
...a-skinny-ex-college-radio-type-that-was-trying-to-talk-to-this-girl-at-the-Big-Hunt...
I'm confused. What would this person be doing in a place as lame as the Big Hunt?
The players are hardly yuppies. They are out of shape outcasts from what I have seen. Let the dorks have their day.
that website is hysterical, comrades.
"I'm confused. What would this person be doing in a place as lame as the Big Hunt?"
Are you kidding me? That place is packed with ex-college radio djs.
Note that I am not disputing your claim that the Big Hunt is lame.
>Sorry, but making fun of vapid DC careerist prep-zombies is a guilty pleasure.
Why would any non-careerist live in DC though? Cheap crack, high taxes, high crime and high AIDS rates? The joy of not being represented in the federal government?
;-D
I'm still waiting for other timely and clever sites like "die lolcats" and "die you're fired."
The kickball crowd seems to be comprised of folks that are having a hard time letting go of college (even years after graduation). They need the comforts of tribe-like cliques and binge drinking in order to socialize.
This, of course, describes anti-kickball hipsters as well, only you swap out indie rock for kickball.
That said, the "tactics" cartoons are a riot. I can only hope that these techniques are returned in kind on H St.
I did notice that the "join up" section is an unintentional mirror of the "infiltrate" section... just exchange the traits of douchebag fratboys/sorosticunts with douchebag hipsters...
Ah, sweet, sweet hate. Could DieHippieUltimateFrisbee.com be next?
Speaking of hate sites, could dcist.com be considered a hate site? This site really seems to pile it on with its contempt for this city.
hysterical
Has there been a Kickball movi eyet? If not, I predict one, starring Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller (with a Will Farrell cameo).
WHAT, MY ACOLYTES, DO WE FEDEX FROM CHINA? PRODUCTS. PLASTIC. THIS IS YOUR SOCIAL LIFE. A PRODUCT YOU MUST PAY FOR IN DESPERATION TO FILL THE COLD VOID YOU COWER NAKED WITHIN. FOR THE REST OF HUMANITY WHO FILL THIS VOID WITH "SELF WORTH," YOU ARE CALLED UPON BY AMERICA.. NAY- CALLED UPON BY *EVOLUTION* TO CRUSH THIS MEME OF SOCIAL DESTRUCTION FOR THE VERY PRESERVATION OF SPECIES BEFORE THE MORAL FIBER WHICH BINDS US REQUIRES A CREDIT CARD SWIPE.
THIS IS NOT A BATTLE OF HIPSTERS VS FUCKHEADS. OUR NUMBERS SWELL VAST WITH A PERFECT CROSS SECTION OF THESE UNITED STATES. THE VERY NOTION THAT YOUR VIRUS HAS AN OPPOSITE FURTHER VALIDATES YOUR DILUTED SENSE OF VALUE.
REPENT, RECITE THE LITANIES MY FRIENDS, FOR OUR MISSION OF JUSTICE IS AS PURE AS THE GLIDING STREAMS OF BEER COMMERCIALS.
!TO ARMS!
-AYKGF
the kickball crowd is one of the most refreshing ones i've come across in this city--they keep it real, talk sports, and drink beer in dive bars, wearing off label t-shirts...not your typical greek trust fun babies...
It's never too late to bust on preppies trying to have a real life. Kickball was fun when I was a kid, but most of us outgrew it when we hit seventh grade.
If you're a grown up playing kickball in a public park with anyone but your own kids -- you're a used douche bag.
Why is it that if you hate kickballers, you're automatically a hipster? Is this city made up of only two groups of people? I think there a plenty of normal people who loathe the kickball douches.
guest 29
That website has the self-consciously cheeky attitude and presentation that the Castro-hat wearing set exhibits. If you don't see it, then you just don't get it, man.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Pfft, you don't know?
Why can't you Yanks learn how to play football (excuse me soccer) like the rest of the world. If you lot put as much time into these silly shirts and clubs into a bit of footie, I'm sure that the US would have a serious team for the next World Cup.
First: I am definitely digging the auto-filtered guest comments.
Second: You can chase the irony train on ad infinitum, or you can call a douchebag a douchebag. Me? I'm down with the revolution.
Apparently vengeance is being served 10/06? I vote that vengeance be served as impromptu dodgeball, but that's just me.
what is so bad about kickball?
how does it hurt you?
Kickball hurts because it's a painful reminder that some people never grow up. I hated kickball in elementary school. I hated all those kids who were really good at it and kicked home runs. I hated catching that big obnoxious round red ball. I hated how it was the deciding factor of whether or not you're cool. When I stopped playing kickball, I stopped caring, and that was a great feeling.
It sucks to go see people in their mid 20s raving about what is the dumbest sport on the planet. Look either play baseball OR play soccer. Don't try to put them together, wear stupid shirts, and come take over bars with your noise and filth-piss B.O stench.
Ugh.
Why can't you Yanks learn how to play football (excuse me soccer) like the rest of the world. If you lot put as much time into these silly shirts and clubs into a bit of footie, I'm sure that the US would have a serious team for the next World Cup.
I'm all for it, but you have GOT to stop calling it "footie."
guest 33,
kickballers take over a bar when they show up. they come in large groups with matching t-shirts, and socialize primarily within that group. it's annoying.
but if you want to play kickball, go ahead. there are worse things you can do with your free time.
i still don't see how one group of people having fun their way, hurts your ability to have fun another way
I find it funny that one complaint is that the kickballers take over the bar and the other complaint is that kickballers only like to drink and need to grow up. It seems to me that you should stop complaining and go to a different bar.
I've met some of the best people that I know through kickball. It's a way to be social and meet new people that like to have fun. I see nothing wrong with that.
fuck you # 38 ... your kind ain't welcome here
Kickball represents everything that is WRONG with DC. Look at this place. There are so many better things that you could be doing with your time off work. But these people decide that they wanna be rank and file, wear matching shirts, and play some stupid game that they used to play when they were kids.
again seems like their choice isn't really affecting your life so why not just live and let live?
Being in everyone's business and uptight is what is "wrong with DC"
#40
Wrong, taking the energy to bitch about kickballers represent everything that is wrong with DC. DC has morphed into a giant high school (or Jr high take your pick) with equally obnoxious cliques with hatered toward anyone what does not conform to thier little world view of DC life. Sad, really really sad.
This is rich. I love the "They take over my bar" argument. They didn't take over your bar, your bar sold you out and gave it to the kickballers. Its not an accident that the name of your bar is on their shirt. If you are upset then leave.
Fuck Yea I'm gonna join... I worked in a restaurant in Arlington that used to host these cry-babies every wednesday. It got to a point where some of these douche bags actually thought it was ok to run back behind the bar and grab what they wanted like they owned the place.. Yea they drank a lot.. but we never saw those cheap fuckers unless it was $1 PBR night... It's a good deal but if buying a round for you and your entire table sets you back $10.00 it doesn't justify a sense of entitlement ! It does paint a pretty pathetic picture of what an over compensating DC loser does with his weekends.
Tastes are idiosyncratic, but if you're going to overpay for field reservations and matching t-shirts just to run a $40 bar tab on a Thursday (seriously, dude, how many Miller Lites can you process?), I think you should play a better sport. Whatever happened to softball? Soccer? Oh, right, too much skill required.
I've always heard the DC softball and soccer leagues are vicious.
They're full hyper-competitive meat-heads (and commies for soccer), not people just looking to play a game and have some fun.
I don't have a problem with the kickballers, but God help us if a Four-Square league takes off.