DCist Interview: Michael Ian Black

2008_0130_michaelianblack%282%29.jpg After watching Wet Hot American Summer on repeat throughout high school, there's no way you can't recognize Michael Ian Black's face. His voice is equally iconic, given his roles as the sock puppet on Pets.com commercials, the Sierra Mist spokesperson dude and his commentary all over the "I love the …" VH1 series. Though he's spent years touring with comedy posse The State, not to mention co-writing and co-starring in the Comedy Central series Stella with fellow State alums, Black is currently focusing on solo work. His new interweb platform—which he sarcastically argues can garner 152 million hits on a good day—muses about roadside stops on his current I am a Wonderful Man album tour, along with other odd and ends, like his daughter's written work and the occasional non-violent Taco Bell moment.

This weekend he'll be at Sixth & I with another CD-plugging Michael. We won't say who. Black was slightly peeved during our interview when he noticed Michael Showalter (oops) had higher iTunes ratings and sales. But given Michael Ian Black's clearly superior knowledge of the D.C. bar scene, we might have to give him a slight edge as our favorite Michael of the two.

Have you ever performed in Washington before?

Several times. Wherever the coolest club is, that's where I've played. I'm saying that so your readers, who probably like cool stuff, will think I'm cool.

Our town is known for being stereotypically un-cool.

You're right. I think D.C. is actually the least cool city in the nation. When I think "D.C.," I think buttoned-up suits and law degrees. You guys all dream of bureaucracy at night, right?

Maybe... but I'd like to think we have some redeeming qualities.

Well, that's true. You're also the historical home of America's punk scene. I was a big Fugazi fan and came to D.C. a bunch to see my friends play.

Photo by Jeff Neira, courtesy Comedy Central

That's cool. I noticed you have a blog. How's that working out for ya? Yay, blogging.

Pretty easy, actually, since I don't have a job. I'm bringing in about 7-9 million hits a day, sometimes 25 million. Yesterday I think it was at 152 million.

Wow. That's pretty impressive. More than even DCist.

You know that I'm lying, right? I don't even think Google gets that many hits. That would be a huge server farm. Geez, I've never said server farm in an interview before.

Is this already the dorkiest interview you've ever done?

Yes. Your job is to be a dork right? Isn't that what you guys at DCist do?

You could say that, yes. So let's talk about your tour. You're performing at a synagogue. I know you've got a Jewish background, but is a place of worship ready for you?

I'm very curious about that, too. If it's a place of worship ready for filthy comedians to come and gather, then yes. It's ready. They should be ready for lots of blasphem-ing.

Blashphem-ing, as in a verb? To blaspheme?

Yes, precisely. Let's be honest. There will be lots of antisemitism.

So, not very holy material?

Nope. Very mortal. Very Earthy. Unless jokes about cumming up Dr. Pepper are holy to you.

Think the gods be offended?

I don't think God or the gods really give a shit. I'm just not sure if I should play up the antisemitism or not. Either way, I would really encourage all Jews to come. There might even be an optional Nazi rally after.

Uh, should people march when they come in?

No, not gonna mix the two, Erin. I'm gonna do my show and let them know there's an optional rally after. They are not obligated to stay. But I just cannot guarantee that there won't be a fervid rally after. And they might take it to the streets. Like Crystal Nacht. The Night of Broken Glass. When Nazis went on a rampage.

Yikes.

If you haven't noticed, I don't worship much. I like money a lot, though. But that's what Jews are supposed to say. And I certainly like hoarding it. Jews are also supposed to say that. I also charge exorbitant interest rates when people borrow it from me. Like a shylock. Can't really help it though; it's just in our blood.

Let's talk about the nude photo inside your new CD cover. What inspired you to strip down?

My gift to the fans. I thought, what can I do to repay them after so many years?

Did you do anything to prepare for that photo shoot day? Eat protein powder or work out?

If you've seen the pic you know I didn't.

Is it helping you sell more copies?

It's probably making me sell fewer copies. (Pause) I'm looking at iTunes right now and see that Michael Showalter, my touring buddy, has better ratings than me. This is making me depressed. Can you fix that?

Maybe our readers can.

It's bumming me out. I feel that most things have a main purpose to bum me out. Do you think that's narcissistic? To think that?

What about Taco Bell? Does that bum you out?

Taco Bell definitely does not bum me out. I think dollar for dollar, it's the best restaurant on the planet.

Then why not do a commercial for them? Why all the Sierra Mist ones?

Because they haven't asked me. I'd actually pay them to do a commercial.

But don't you horde money?

Well, if they paid me in Taco Supremes, I'd do it. I'm pretty religious about my order. Three Taco Supremes and a Dr. Pepper. But I really don't eat it too often, for three reasons: It's horrible for me; I don't wanna spoil the treat aspect of it; and I get bad diarrhea after.

Speaking of food and chains, your blog also mentioned a Trader Joe's visit.

Yeah, I like Trader Joes, but not crazy about the Treasure Island motif. Less Hawaiian shirts and cleaner aisles would be good. To me, they just look grubby. They need to mop more, make the aisles wider and put in some linoleum floors. The cute, cartoony signs? Yeah, get rid of those too.

Oh, no.

Just not into that. I'd go for a more mid-century Danish design. Mauve and taupe. Earthy colors for the balloons. Ah, Earth. God, I love this planet. The stores need to be bigger too. They look like converted laundromats that threw in some food.

What about the free samples? I make special trips sometimes for them.

I don't want my life to turn into that, Erin. Somebody will notice and the next thing, "Famous Dude Gorging Himself on Samples." You can do it, though. You're nobody. The paparazzi stalks me.

Besides not going to Trader Joes, what else will you do in D.C.?

Do the show then come home. I might deface the Vietnam Memorial.

Anything to eat?

Probably. One of those K Street steakhouses where all the power brokers go. I can plant myself at the bar and eavesdrop. After, I'll probably go out in Adams Morgan. Tom Tom. I heard that was a pretty classy establishment.

Michael Ian Black will perform at the 6th and I Synagogue on Saturday, February 2 at 8 p.m. A destructive rally most likely will not follow. An appearance at Tom Tom, however, might. Tickets are $20 and available through ticketmaster.com.