March 20, 2008
Butterstick Accidentally Attacks! Panda Injures Zookeeper
The Associated Press has a shameful story this morning accusing the National Zoo's beloved panda cub, Tai Shan (aka Butterstick), of injuring a zookeeper. Pandas don't do anything wrong, AP! They are only adorable and cuddly and lovable and that's all. Didn't you get the memo?
So the story is that Tai Shan entered his yard through an unsecured door Tuesday during a routine feeding, where he attempted to "play" with a zookeeper he encountered there and accidentally inflicted a small leg laceration with his teeth. Keepers at the zoo are no longer supposed to be inside the panda cub's yard with him because he's become big enough to be dangerous.
We certainly wish the zookeeper a speedy recovery from her injuries. As for this obvious panda smear campaign on the part of the Associated Press, we'd like to suggest at the very least an alternate headline for their story. "National Zoo Keeper Gets in the Way of Panda's Adorable Teeth"? That sounds better.
Photo by roxandabear
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I bet the zoo keepers look pretty tasty after eating nothing but that lousy bamboo for so long.
My sympathies are with the panda, of course. I also "accidentally" attacked a census taker. He fell onto my katana 19 times. Backwards. I was thinking of eating his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti, but I rememberd that chianti gives me gas and liver gives me mudbutt.
I know this because Tyler knows this.
When Pandas Attack!, tonight after American Idol.
time to get a new default avatar (really, get a new default avatar, the panda is getting annoying).
Butterstick was clearly protesting the War and was sticking it to The Man.
It's all a part of the AP's anti-China/anti-communist/anti-Panda conspiracy.
In the panda world biting the leg is foreplay. And let’s face it, those caretakers, in their kacky pants and tight polo shirts struttin their stuff in front of a teenage panda, are just asking for it.
Ha, knew it. I've been saying this for years, Giant (not Red) Pandas are secretly vicious killing machines (as well as homosexuals and communists) that hide behind their cuddly facade waiting for the uprising. Has it begun? Have they finally received the signal from the motherland to begin their assault on the free world?
Awww! I bet the zookeeper saw rainbows and flying cows when she was adorably bitten. 'Cuz you know pandas only fart sunshines that smell like the happiness of the world.
But those shaven amputee pandas...their farts smell like sanatorum, cuz they nasty like that.
Damn Disney, for making generations believe that wild animals are cute and friendly. Tai Shan is a bear. If you saw one in the woods, you'd better be headed in the other direction. 'Nuff said.
Note to zookeeper: stop splashing your junk with Bamboo Scented Hai Karate.
They really ought to print that out and pin it up in the lockerroom for future reference.
yes yes. new default avatar please.
how about the Marion Barry quarter or sompin..
Zone map! We'll need something to remember it by.
Butterstick needs to go! How about "No Taxation Without Representation"
Clearly this is the Zookeeper's fault. Had he secured the door, our precious little snowflake wouldn't have been so tempted.
See. This is what happens when you don't shave your panda. And now that Butterstick has tasted human blood, let the countdown to the Great Pandasscre of 2008 begin. Pudgy, slow moving fifth graders beware!
Poor Tai Shan. What a day he had!! He heard his parents making panda-love, saw all those cigarette butts on the ground.
Then lo and behold ... there's a hot babe in his yard. Woo Hoo! Come to Papa!
He lacerated her leg? Rub a little dirt on it and get back in there! What kind of wimpy zookeepers we raising in this city? If he tries to bite you again, bite him back!
If my cat were as large as a panda, I'd be in very serious trouble.
Another vote for shaving/amputating Tai Shan. You'd probably double the number of visitors to the zoo, and you could sell ad space on the side of his Radio Flyer buttwagon. And give him his own risque late-night show on Cinemax while you're at it. "Shaved Pandas: After Dark" or "Teenage Pandas in Heat." Something classy for the carriage trade.
As for the voting rights crowd, shave the "No Taxation" slogan on his ass. We need a visible reminder of our second-class status! Wait'll they hear about this in Des Moines! They'll be kicking down our door to amend the Constitution and make DC a State. That, or seal the borders and start the saturation bombings.
Cinemax my ass. No one watches that fluff any more. Tai Shan needs to become the first Lightspeed panda and should be booked into the 10, 11, and midnight slots at Camelot. Now that's exposure.
People eat Buttersticks all the time, why can't Butterstick eat people? Unfair!
For folks weaned on shaved panda amputee "fluff snuff" films, having him shake it in a titty bar is about as exciting as lukewarm consomé at a spinsterish tea party.
Unsecured door you say? Hmmmnn. A likely story.
I wouldn't be surprised if that Devil in a Saffron Dress, the Dalai Lama, were behind this. Trying to make the offical cuddly symbol of our BFFs and bestest twading partners ever, Red China, look all bad, in the nation's capital no less!!!
For shame, Daili Clique-ers, for shame! Is there nothing these illegal Tibetan protesters won't stoop to? Can't they just leave poor widdle China alone??????
Tha' Buh'stik. He a badass.
ugh seriously, ditch the lame avatar
Or at least Photoshop him holding a shank.
Tai Shan is innocent. Once again the liberal media gets it wrong. Get your facts straight.
FREE TAI SHAN!!!
I hope someone has e-mailed this story to "The Colbert Report."
As zookeepers converged, Tai Shan shouted, "The bitch set me up!"
In communist China, amputee panda shaves you!