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March 28, 2008

Which D.C. Massage Parlors Offer 'Happy Endings' ?

Massage_Table.jpgA user on the Washington, D.C. page of the USASexGuide's massage parlor online discussion forum was kind enough to link to a post of ours earlier this week, at which point we were alerted to the web site's existence. And boy oh boy, does it contain mounds of helpful/hilarious information about which Asian massage parlors in the District offer the best "full service" technicians. In other words, this is a chat room for men to share with each other where they can find massage parlors that trade in sex workers. Some of the terms used, along with some small images at the top of the page, are NSFW, so proceed with some caution when you follow this link. UPDATE: It should be noted that not every single one of the massage parlors mentioned are necessarily "Asian". The vast majority of posters on this web site refer to AMPs, or Asian Massage Parlors, but there do appear to be some establishments mentioned that employ women who are not Asian.

This online forum is available for the public to read without registration, and the men who frequent it often use code words and acronyms, many of which are explained in a handy glossary. So which D.C. massage parlors do the posters on USASexGuide say offer more than just massages these days? A few we could figure out:

  • One frequently mentioned parlor is Supra Spa at 1333 Connecticut Ave. NW #4, just south of Dupont (also known as Dupont Spa elsewhere in the forum). Although a recent posting on the web site indicates one user thought Supra might now be closed, a call placed to its listed phone number was answered by a woman who simply said, "hello."
  • The 1333 Spa at 1333 Green Court NW, just below Thomas Circle, which is often advertised in the Washington City Paper. It's generally referred to just as "1333" on the forum. What's up with the number 1333 being common to these two establishments? A call to 1333 Spa confirmed they are open for business.
  • The most recent comments on the site suggest that the 14K Spa at 1413 K St. NW has recently reopened for business. The 14K Spa was one of five locations raided by federal agents in a sex-slave trafficking sting in 2006.

There are many other establishments mentioned that are hard to tell if they are still open or not, or are referred to by nicknames, and we have yet to compile an exhaustive list.

If you'd rather not check out the massage parlor forum in the office, allow us to share some of the highlights. Some of our favorite passages are below the jump -- but keep in mind, these descriptions are graphic. Follow at your own risk.

Username Cabdriver52: I decided to visit green court. I met with Nana and had a blast! Shower was good, cleaned all the right places. I felt downright clean. Even the pacific rim was spotless.

Next, back to the room. No real massage to speak of. She gave me a quick but effective karate chop all over and massaged my shoulders. Felt heavenly.

On my way in, mama asked about how I was and she told me to have a good time. Apparently the girl got the message.

So, flip and there she is gloriously rubbing her boobs all over me and smiling.

She decides to check out mr happy and massage the rim at the same time.

Next I get a face full of clam and she goes to work downstairs. She has a talent with her mouth. I playfully smack her in the ass. She loved it.

Next we're on to visit the cowgirl and we're off to the races. Definitely working her internal muscles and I'm in heaven. She spins on the pole and I get a view from behind. She inquires if I want to walk the dog and I have to simply comply. We walk the dog for what seems like forever and finally I break the seal. She's sweaty and so am I but I really don't care. A few minutes go by and I get a hot towel and mouthwash.

We still haven't been able to guess what "walk the dog" means, but it certainly appears this guy claims he received both a blow job and intercourse at 1333.

Username Chaz: There has been a little discussion recently about whether BBBJ ever happens in an AMP. I reported some time ago about my experiences in that regard. It can happen. And I am talking about BBBJCIM. My first time was at Downtown. I was a bit drunk andf very tired and couldn't perform despite Maya's best efforts. So she pulled off the cover and finished the job. The second time was with Louie at Happiness. After the shower and back in the room, while on her knees drying me off, she looked up and asked, with her eyes, whether I wanted a BJ. Of course I said yes. When I was about to finish I told her, and she hesitated for a second, and then took it in her mouth. The third time was at Green Court with May. After a table shower with mamasan, May started with a fantastic BBBJ. Before I knew it, I was finishing. She initially seemed upset, but then she said she enjoyed it and asked that I please come back. So it does happen. There was also A Japanes girl who advertised in the CP and she started with a BBBJ. When I was ready to finish I told her and she said "Do you want to cum in mouth? It's okay. " Do I have to tell you I said yes?
Some of the acronyms used in the above posting include: BBBJ = Bareback Blowjob (a blowjob without a condom), CIM = Cum in mouth, AMP = Asian Massage Parlor.
Username Hugh Jardon: 1333 - First time at this place. It looks like it's been there a while. Not on the beaten path, is it? Asked for "Jai" and she appeared, wondering why I had asked for her. The usual mumbo-jumbo about a friend referring her and off we went.

Lots of fun, good English, okay bod(no ass to speak of), small natural titties. Good TS and she gave her all to give me a good massage, working herself up quite a lather. Once the fun started, she was outstanding! Took direction well, had some good initiative. She is very flexible and lets you put her in all sorts of positions.
Excellent performer! Nice lady, too. A good time was had by all, or at least me.

TS = Table shower.
Username Fuel Man: Well, I was glad to hear that 14K was opened. Had to make the trip down there. Went in and drew Annie. I should have asked for Rose since my fellow mongerer rated her all 8's. Annie was disappointing to say the least. Nothing spectacular about the table shower, same old, same old. We headed back to the room where she proceeded with a very light massage for about 3 minutes, and then it was down to business. She took her clothes off, and the first thing I noticed was her fake boobs with huge scars undeneath. Nice nipples, though, although she hardly let me suck or play with them! Quik BJ, and I asked for some 69 action. She acted like she didn't understand, and went for the lube. We proceeded with all the usual positions for about 15 minutes until I finished. I figured I would atleast get a hard massage afterwords, but no. She rushed to get me a hot towel, helped me get dressed and it was like she was trying to get me out the door as quik as possible. I would not repeat with Annie, but can't wait to go back to check out old Rosie!


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Comments (33)

And they say gay people are the weirdos. Wow. Just absolute wow.

 

You said "handy glossary." heheheheheh

 

"We still haven't been able to guess what "walk the dog" means"

Really? You're joking right?

I can't wait to tell someone off by yelling "Kiss my Pacific Rim!"

 

Mokeyrotica? You've been waiting for this post all your life.

 

Monkey ruined my breakfast.

Sommer ruins my lunch.

I don't like this diet.

 

ughhhhhhhhhhh.

 

well, if you're watching this, I.T. dept., might as well confiscate this laptop right now

 

Pffft. Happy endings are so overrated. I'll stick with the secret accu-beating clinic upstairs from Yums. Not only are they DC's only licensed and bonded glandscapers, but their colonic irrigation package includes complimentary mambo sauce humiliation. And with every fifth treatment, you get free eggroll.

You don't want me to explain what "eggroll" means, suffice to say it involves Purdue cornish game hens and a Rick Astley tape.

 

So much for my sushi craving...

I feel so naive. Here I thought a "happy ending" was just a hand job at the end of a massage.

 

After the DC Madam, client 9, and a professor working as a prostitute why is the fact that some lonely freaks are chatting online about massage parlors some sort of big revelation?

 

I was under the impression these "AMP"'s only gave handjobs and the like. Shows what a square like me knows.

I'm really amazed that people are out there on the internet chatting it up about these places with impunity as if it weren't... you know... illegal?

 

it involves Purdue cornish game hens and a Rick Astley tape.

How do you come up with this stuff? Do you have some sort of bizarre blogger MadLib that you use?

 
Once the fun started, she was outstanding! Took direction well, had some good initiative.
I feel like this dude must work in HR when he's not visiting the AMPs.
 

I had no idea that I lived within DC's Massage Parlor Triangle, no wonder my rent is so high.

 

finally, a dcist post that's actually useful!

 

Hahaha, oh man, there's an amusing site I never thought I'd see again.

I found it about a year or two ago when Googling my username out of boredom. There's a TripleE over there who's NOT me.

You can learn a lot about some otherwise inconspicuous buildings there, and generally have a good laugh. I may have to have another look when I'm not at work, because I'm sure it's only gotten better.

 
Mokeyrotica? You've been waiting for this post all your life.

thanks, jamie. that one made me laugh harder than anything monkey could say himself...

 

Yes, so many new acronyms to annoy everyone I know
with.

 

Quiet as kept but another source for happy endings are backrooms of Chinese Buffets. You never wondered how they came up with the term "sweet-n-sour"?

 

BBBJTCWS FTW!

and what the hell does "El Camino Real" mean?

 

This would've been a more appropriate picture to accompany this post.

 

Holy shit. I'm with demonfafa -- I only thought these places offered hand jobs. Wow am I naive...

 

Where did people find out about this stuff before the Internet? AMP's, airport restrooms for wide-stance senators, hookers for governors, etc. Takes all the mystery out of it.

 

Ah, nothing is quite as hilarious as forced sex slaves...

 

Thanks, WHAZZUP, as fascinating as this post is, it's hard for me to forget that the chance of any of these girls are doing their "jobs" on their own volition. These places are broken up because these girls are sex slaves and illegally trafficked into the country. It's one thing to be a jerk who goes to a prostitute, it's another to go to a massage parlor that more than likely uses sex slaves. Disgusting.

 

Um, the point is we're all here being ironic and mocking the people who frequent these places. C'mon, its friday.

I guarantee no one reading this will visit any of these establishments. Furthermore, don't you think that if DCist knows about this site, the proper authorities do as well and are no doubt monitoring it in order to gather information for investigations?

 

Slavery and exploitation are nothing to joke about. According to the DOJ 17,500-18,500 (mainly women and children) are trafficked into the United States each year, mainly for the sex industry.

 

There's sex slavery and there's sex work. Just like there's domestic labor and indentured immigrant slavery. You'd figure with all the M.A.s and Ph.Ds in this town they'd know the difference.

 

Instead of arguing about whether this is depressing or funny (hot tip: it's BOTH), we should be arguing about why this is still illegal in the 21st century. People will be banging eachother for money long after Penn Quarter looks like Tiajuanaco, so we should legalize it, tax it, proved healthcare and mandatory VD screening as well as career counseling to workers who want to get out of prostitution.

And we do the same for marijuana.

So remember, write-in "Monkeyrotica" for Mayor come election time.

It's Monkeyrotica time: DON'T BE LATE!

 
Instead of arguing about whether this is depressing or funny (hot tip: it's BOTH), we should be arguing about why this is still illegal in the 21st century. People will be banging eachother for money long after Penn Quarter looks like Tiajuanaco, so we should legalize it, tax it, proved healthcare and mandatory VD screening as well as career counseling to workers who want to get out of prostitution.

And we do the same for marijuana.

Most sensible. Post. Ever.

 

Monkeyrotica for President in '08!

What say we draft him?

 

That does it, I'm writing monkey in for every position I can in November.

 

Looks like Indonesia has an answer.

 
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