In which DCist helpfully decodes those AFD pranks that have had you stumbling all over the Internet today.

» Matthew Yglesias: "Iraq has chemical and biological weapons arsenals, plus an advanced nuclear weapons program and is likely to use these WMD to stage an attack on the American homeland using al-Qaeda proxies!"

Joke: Stop me if you've heard this one before!

» Wonkette: George W. Bush and Tony Blair nominated for Peace Prize — which actually happened backed in 2002.

Joke: Okay, everyone, we get it.

» Jessica Cutler: [Cutler announces a "'My Face on Her Body' Photoshop Contest"]: "Email them to me and I'll post them here. Go ahead, do your worst."

Joke: That Jessica Cutler thinks people still care about Jessica Cutler.

» Google: I don't know, something about Google calendar and Mars?

Joke: Isn't most of the laughter at Google nervous these days? Business Week reported a drop in Google's stock value last week, albeit one followed by a rebound (an upswing that, it should be noted, resonated more broadly with a general rise in the markets than with any inherent change in confidence about Google). Although Goldman Sachs continues to list Google as a "buy" one wonders whether the trend that is only beginning to emerge — that of the 00s as a "lost decade" from the perspective of the market, in the words of the Wall Street Journal (via Ezra Klein) — will impact even Google rather sooner than later. And if that should happen, if market enthusiasm for Big Search is curbed as hungrier, svelter, and smarter players like Zannel Inc., Ning, and Powerset emerge in the marketplace — which is to say nothing of Facebook, the prominent social networking site that has lured away recently two top Google executives — that is, companies unencumbered by the sort of corporate bloat and 90s–era executive thinking that have so stymied the marketplace as of late: what then, Google? What then?

» Lots of Blogs: As DCist Amanda noted on her personal blog, "The hottest April Fools trend of 08? Announcing that your site has been bought by a big media company. Stuff White People Like, Jezebel (who've definitely taken the joke the farthest) and Stereogum (or, BYT on behalf of Stereogum?) are all in on the act."

Joke: All of these blogs are in fact owned and operated by Kelly Ann Collins. (Now, raise your hand if you had to click on that link to remember who KAC is.)

» Echoditto: The company shifts gears as software programmers take up the art of pantomime.

Joke: There is nothing funny about mimes.

» French Laundry at Home: The famous French Laundry restaurant in San Francisco sends a cease-and-desist to a blogger who is blogging her efforts to re-create each dish on the French Laundry menu.

Joke: The image of literally tens of DC foodies updating their lists of jokes about Michelin-three-star restaurants while the rest of us snarf over the Golden Girls references.

» Penn Quarter Living: There's a shuttle that gets you from DC to Dulles for $3.

Joke: Yeah, my ass!

» DC Pro Sports Report, Bullets Forever, Kissing Suzy Colbert, respectively: Antawn Jamison knocks out Brendan Haywood in a locker-room fight; Oleksiy Pecherov arrested in Utah for soliciting a prostitute; Sean Taylor not dead after all.

Joke: That the cumulative efforts of bloggers writing about sports in DC is not one iota as funny as anything Gilbert Arenas has to say about anything at all.

» Cleveland Park: A bulletin was sent out on a Cleveland Park listserv alerting residents to the escape of a loof lirpa from the National Zoo. Second-District police commander Andy Solberg responded on the listserv, noting police efforts to capture the animal. (Full report after the jump.)

Joke: All the more clever when you consider that Cleveland Park is the kind of place that people who will tremble in fear over zoo alerts call home.

Full listserv exchange after the jump.

From: Bill Adler Date: Tue, Apr 1, 2008 at 8:19 AM Subject: [Cleveland-Park] Escaped Animal from the Zoo -- ALERT To: cleveland-park@yahoogroups.com

I want to alert all list members to a bulletin I just received: A loof lirpa has escaped from the National Zoo. The animal ran out of its enclosure about 10 minutes ago when the zookeeper on duty was texting while the enclosure was unlocked.

The lirpa was last spotted heading north on Connecticut Avenue, and is probably in the vicinity of Porter Street and Connecticut Avenue about now. It may have stopped to snack on the vegetables at the outdoor carts at Magruder's.

DO NOT TRY AND CAPTURE THE LOOF LIRPA ON YOUR OWN. The lirpa stands about 4 feet tall, has a gazelle-like horns, weighs about 350 pounds, and comes from Patagonia. In other respects the lirpa resembles an alpaca. Normally the lirpa is gentle, but during its mating season (springtime, which is now), it can become aggressive. IF YOU HAVE A LARGE DOG, PLEASE KEEP YOUR DOG INSIDE. The naturally nearsighted lirpa may mistake your pet for its mate -- and it was the male that escaped. German shepherds, golden retrievers, and dalmatians are especially at risk, but even smaller dogs like miniature poodles and dachshunds may be a mating target, too, if the lirpa's sex desire is strong enough. Cats should be safe, unless they are abnormally large
and overweight.

The loof lirpa is a rare species and only about 12 zoos in the United States have one; half that number have a breeding pair, as the National Zoo does. Males in solo captivity lose their mating desire, but this male lirpa was planning to mate Friday or Saturday night (after dinner); its hormones are therefore likely to be at or near maximum.

If you're driving, please keep a lookout and drive carefully. The lirpa is quite a leaper. When a lirpa escaped from the San Diego Zoo in 2003 it caused a 7-car pile-up. The lirpa makes a clop-clop sound when it runs. Also, it has an aroma that can best be described a smelling like "cheap cologne," so you should be able to tell right
away if the lirpa is or has been nearby.

The zoo has temporarily banned cell phone texting --for employees and visitors-- in the wake of this incident.

Please be careful. Treat the loof lirpa with caution -- it's a wild animal, and you can't tell how a wild animal will behave.

If you see the lirpa, please contact officials right away -- contact information here: http://zooalert.notlong.com .

--Bill Adler

And, the response:

Mr. Adler and community,

Thank you for this alert.

I would like to also alert the community that our officers are on the lookout for this animal. Our helicopter is up in the air right now, and we are responding to several lirpa sightings in the Cleveland Park community. Many of our officers who work near the Zoo are specially trained in animal capture and retention, and we feel confident that this
situation will be brought under control at some point today.

Please go inside if you smell the aroma mentioned in the previous email. Our officers are also releasing a chemical which imitates the odor of the female lirpa when in heat, in order to facilitate capture, so the male's natural odors combined with the chemicals we are releasing produce an overwhelmingly interesting, and perhaps negative, smell.

We ask that pedestrians who may see or even encounter the animal avoid any sudden gestures which startle wild animals, and we ask that motorists who catch a glimpse of this lirpa please alert us by cell phone only after safely pulling to the curb.

We will continue to provide periodic updates and I want to say again that we are committed to a speedy apprehension. I understand the lirpa is normally subdued during evening hours, so if we are not successful in assisting the Zoo with finding the lirpa today, I have the utmost confidence we will probably get him tomorrow.

Andy Solberg
Commander, Second District