May 20, 2008
National Zoo Wants an Aerial Tram
The Examiner reports on a new master plan for the future of the National Zoo set to be unveiled on Thursday that includes a call to build an aerial tram running the length of the 163-acre park. Other proposals include expanded exhibits, new visitor centers and a public plaza on the current site of the Great Ape House.
The image at left is of the Skyfari aerial tram at the San Diego Zoo, which might be a good approximation of what the National Zoo has in mind. The tram allows visitors to travel over the treetops from one end of the zoo to the other, to get great views of the park and its animal and plant collection, as well as the surrounding city.
Sounds like a neat idea, though naturally the Woodley Park Community Association told the newspaper that they have concerns about whether the tram will allow riders to peer into people’s backyards. Hopefully that issue won't be too difficult to work out, but that doesn't of course take into account the other pressing problem here -- that our rivalry for supremacy with the San Diego Zoo could once again reach a fevered pitch should we just ape their tram system without making it better than theirs. So we're asking you, dear readers: how can the National Zoo's potential aerial tram show those folks in San Diego who's boss?
Image of the Skyfari aerial tram courtesy the San Diego Zoo
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Awesome!
Now, DDOT needs to figure out how to connect the tram to the Woodley Park Metro, and then to the rest of the city.
Forget streetcars....DC tramway is the best new public transit initiative EVVA!!!!
that skyfari looks amazing.
to make dc's version better: let the orangutans ride along side the humans, since they already have that wire-climbing thing, it's not too much of stretch.
how can our tram be better? easy. three words: beer filled coolers.
I'll wait in line for days for the chance to be the first to defile one of these trams by having noisy, quickie sloppy sex in it. I always wanted to try that at Busch Gardens, but my buddies are all to big of pussies to cooperate. And the total strangers I ask often call park security, and no matter how much they beg I just ain't gonna have sex with a theme park security guard.
So why is this only available at the Zoo? These should be all over town, connecting the entire Dupont/Adams Morgan/U Street (DAM-U) corridor. The best part is that when the drunks fall out of the gondolas, the drunken-gondola-ing problem takes care of itself. Unless you happen to be under the gondola at the time. And really, isn't it your fault for being a pedestrian? GET A HORSE!
Eventually, we can get a trans Baltimore/DC gondola express going and the BW Parkway will be a thing of the past.
Why not just give zoo visitors access to the existing O-line. It would be cheaper and easier to implement.
But what the hell is going to happen to the Great Ape House? That's one of the best attractions the zoo's got.
I give a qualified "eh" to the tram idea. Seriously, walking up from the bottom of the Zoo to the Connecticut Ave. exit may be the only decent exercise a lot of those tourists get in a year. I think we owe it to them to keep that hike a part of their itinerary.
Can't wait for the first insane Christian to leap out of one of these into the lion's den.
And I'm totally down with an ape tram. So long as not much poo throwing is involved. And by "not much" I mean "less than 30 lbs."
Eh. Tres unnecessary.
"Can't wait for the first insane Christian to leap out of one of these into the lion's den."
Come now. You know they'll be too busy double-parking their trams in front of the lion's den.
And 'tram' sound to much like 'tran', as in 'tranny', and we know that ain't going to happen. At least not out in public.
Count me in for the unnecessary vote.
Sing it with me now:
"Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!"
I remember riding these at either Disney World or Busch Gardens when I was a wee laddie. It was great fun spitting on people from way above.
But I question the necessity of this idea. As Reid pointed out, it's not really a huge trek to walk the zoo. And lots of fatties need the exercise.
And at first I laughed at the neighbors' concern that the aerial trams will allow users to look into people's backyards. But now I wonder what sort of depraved bacchanal debauchery is going on in Woodley Park backyards. Sounds like the perfect time for Sommer to announce a Monkey-led investigation.
First, we could have our trams numbered in some sort of logical order, unlike that haphazard picture from the SD Zoo.
Second, have mounted binoculars in each tram, so people could either look out over the city, or see an elephant's asshole up close, depending on their mood.
Third, I like goat boy's idea: beer filled coolers.
personally I think the solution to beat san diego is to cover the trams from the elements and put in space heaters. perfect for the sloppy sex. maybe tint the windows too...
They removed the aerial tramways at Disneyland and Disney World because of lawsuits resulting from people jumping/falling from the gondolas. Yes, somebody purposely jumped from a gondola and then sued Disney because he hit a tree on the way down. Look it up.
I agree with songfta: Monorail!!
Best way to beat their trams is best described as follows: "trams? trams? we don't need no stinkin' trams!"
Bad idea.
Make it look like the London "Eye" somehow. Or make it like a reverse monorail with riders underneath, like so: http://www.train99.com/ency/leland/images/lelanda.jpg
Chapter 1: I Get a New Client
I was watching the thin rain crawl down my office window waiting for the phone to ring. It did.
"Monkey. It's me. Some Woodley Park neighbors say tram perverts are peeping into their backyards."
"Perverts, eh? That's my red meat. I get $25 a day plus expenses."
"What expenses? This is a blog. We barely get paid from those stupid banner ads."
I farted. "Metro to Woodley is $4. And lunch at Dino's gone up."
"Alright. Get the dirt on the perverts, and no rough stuff."
I farted again. "No deals. It's my way or the Hershey highway. Besides, they get what they deserve if they live in Woodley. You buy a house next to a zoo, you can't complain about the macaques and their noisy lovemaking keeping you up at night."
I hung up in her face. That's what I do for a living. My name's Monkey. I'm a private dick.
Next week: Chapter 2: Biggles Fly's Undone
Seriously, if we want to be better than the San Diego Zoo we can't just copy them and gussy it up a little. We have to come up with new ideas. Like the previously chanted monorail. Or jet packs!
these also provide a great opportunity for clever and snarky warnings about keeping hands, feet, extremities and entire person inside the car, as well as an important lesson in evolution, ie. survival of the fittest. For example, if you would like to eliminate yourself from the gene pool, much like the long extinct dodo bird (come see the bird exhibit, btw!), feel free to throw yourself out of the tram.
Only one person has commented on the spitting. I can imagine what other bodily fluids might find their way over the side, especially with people taking advantage of the beer filled coolers and sloppy sex with security guards. Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!!
The only way to protect the children is to ban them from the zoo. Besides, children's innocence is being ruined by having to look at all the naked animals.
If the Zoo insists on a gondola, could it at least be run by shaved amputee pandas? Is that really too much to ask for? I guarantee this is something the San Diego Zoo hasn't thought of, yet.
Shaved panda amputee meter maid gondola strippers for Jesus: The Movie. Guaranteed more entertaining than Speed Racer or DOUBLE your panda back!
Cute, but there's no way in hell you're getting me up in that thing.
i think this comment thread is one of the most gross ones i've seen in a while.
'shaved amputee pandas?'
i can't read any more.
Love the idea. Anyone who has been to Busch Gardens in Tampa knows that seeing the animals from high above is super fun. And seeing the Zoo and Rock Creek Park from that high makes it even better.
What backyards are down near the Zoo to peek into anyways?
Why are we competing with San Diego? The NZ is part of the Smithsonian and is supposed to be essentially a research and educational institution.
We don't need more theme-park baloney which will take up space and resources better used to improve the Zoo itself. Handicapped can be handled with carts and the rest can use the exercise. I don't think people will stay away from such a great free attraction because there's no cool rides at it.
The San Diego Wild Animal Park has a monorail, called the Wgasa Bush Line. The awesome part is what "Wgasa" actually stands for -- Who Gives A S*** Anyhow. Seriously, one of my former coworkers at the North County Times in Escondido used to work there. She told us the story of how they came up with the name.
Maybe ours could be called the National Zoo Sap Line -- Shaved Amputee Panda Line.
I'm sorry but I have ZERO interest in seeing what Woodley Parkians do in their homes. Geeeesh. Such egomaniacs.
They need to get over themselves and remind each other that the sun does not rise and set over their pandy little neighborhood.
I'd rather spend my time watching the naked mole rats on the zoo cam ...
I'm sorry but I have ZERO interest in seeing what Woodley Parkians do in their homes.
I'll give you a hint: it involves a couple of pandas, a bottle of Cuervo, and a Lady Remington shaver.
You don't think those mole rats got naked by themselves, do you?
Personally, the idea of a tram sounds great. I've been a FONZ member & volunteer for years now & my feet are killing after that very long walk uphill thru the Zoo. It must be a mile from the bottom of the Zoo to the Woodley Park or Cleveland Park Metro stations. Ouch! I grew to hate that long walk.
But you're right, the obese tourists could benefit from the uphill walk.
Don't forget Hersheypark has a monorail that goes over their small zoo. I enjoy seeing their animals from above...
this just seems like a massive waste of money. i mean, it's not hard to get around the zoo. if you're morbidly obese, at some point we just have to say "tough".
i remember the tram thing at disney world. when we were kids, we told my little brother there was a penny on the ground in front of where they loaded people onto the tram cars, and he jumped in there to try to find the (nonexistent) coin. the person running the ride had to throw the emergency-off switch, and everyone on the tram was stuck in the air for a couple hours. suckers...