DCist: How Not To Be That Intern

HeatherDC

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 20:52:44 -0500

So, I saw this list and thought, "Great. Maybe this will help me to not feel like such a plague on society when I go to DC to work this summer." Unfortunately, after reading it and the comments, it sounds like I'm going to annoy the hell out of everyone I meet just by breathing. I apologize in advance. Oh, and before you make fun of my obviously overly-excited, trying-to-fit-in username, it's just my first name and last two initials. It's my username for everything.

ilikerice

Fri, 30 May 2008 12:35:05 -0500

Can number 4 be highlighted? Don't talk for the sake of talking. The things that come out of your mouth are not intelligent or funny. Just shut up and do your work. Nuff said!

purpleflute05

Thu, 29 May 2008 17:56:46 -0500

19. just because you're living at gw or georgetown for the summer does not mean that you're a washingtonian. but you can pretend and then we'll all laugh at you. :)

Boomhauer

Thu, 29 May 2008 12:51:28 -0500

#4 is the best lesson any of them can learn. It's also the hardest the the one that I'll probably cause an intern to cry about.

Fluxgirl

Thu, 29 May 2008 11:03:11 -0500

SIMPSONS QUOTE! ding! ding! ding! And the prize (lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat)goes to the Monk for his use of "juicy chess club brain" from an earlier "Treehouse of Horror" halloween special. Interns...yuck. "You're going to make sure he sees this, right?" "Oh...uh huh...yeah" scum.

IMGoph

Thu, 29 May 2008 08:14:01 -0500

pennsylvanians? ohioans? i'll take illinois FTW, wink.

monkeyrotica

Thu, 29 May 2008 07:58:20 -0500

You clearly have never met anyone from Seattle.

Reid

Wed, 28 May 2008 22:28:21 -0500

Really? I'll take 10 Pennsylvanians or Ohioans over two Alabamans or Georgians.

spookiness

Wed, 28 May 2008 21:48:34 -0500

For the love of god, don't wear flip flops to work. This morning on my bus, 3 of them boarded, the female kind, all wearing flip-flops. One was eating yogurt on the bus too, and I did hear "back home" and either Pottstown (or Pottsville) PA thrown out. What is it with the state of Pennsylvania anyway? Only Ohio is more annoying. Then I get to work, and A GUY intern is wearing them. With his khakis. I'm not lying about this.

Hillman

Wed, 28 May 2008 20:46:21 -0500

Correction. I should have said 'right-wing' instead of 'conservative'. A true conservative would have no problem respecting the basic privacy and right of homos.

Hillman

Wed, 28 May 2008 20:45:25 -0500

Like so many in DC, I loathe/love the interns. Particularly the hardcore conservative ones that somehow avoided all the 'DC is for blacks and fags' brochures they must surely get when signing up. It's truly hilarious when one actually ends up living in DC and has to live amongst all us undesireables. It's even funnier when they find out DC has things like laws against the anti-gay bullshit they take for granted back home.

boondoggle

Wed, 28 May 2008 20:30:22 -0500

So to sum up the article and related comments: Don't have sex with Tom Coburn. Good advice that. Really would have helped me avoid certain mistakes back when I first moved to DC.

HCE

Wed, 28 May 2008 17:28:23 -0500

Sorry, but I totally disagree with rule #1. A little free metro porn is the one thing those kids are good for. Also regarding: "Never before has our democracy owed its continued survival to pimply faced geeks running around in brand new dark suits." Let's not forget that Congress, like Peace Corps and Teach for America, is fueled entirely on youthful idealism, wringing every drop of hope out of wide-eyed overachievers until all that's left is the sort of bitter husk who comments on blogs.

bane

Wed, 28 May 2008 17:10:48 -0500

the JFK School 19. Get out now, before you turn into the type of person who can't tell the difference between "smart" and "bloated with academic distinction."

Crosstown Traffic

Wed, 28 May 2008 16:49:28 -0500

...and I'll officially close this orgy of stereotypes and self-loathing.....now.

HCE

Wed, 28 May 2008 16:45:40 -0500

Broes before Hoes.

Ty

Wed, 28 May 2008 16:45:09 -0500

From this "old" DCer: I don't mind seeing thongs.

mellbell

Wed, 28 May 2008 16:23:18 -0500

@rptrcub: I see what you did there.

IMGoph

Wed, 28 May 2008 16:21:48 -0500

18. earnestly tell people how you've learned an interesting fact about DC like you're the first person to know this fact. oh wait, i do that all the time. damn, i'm jaded...

rptrcub

Wed, 28 May 2008 16:06:52 -0500

@Reid: Layne, is that you?

ThomasCircle

Wed, 28 May 2008 16:00:01 -0500

#17. Make eliest remarks while in Anacostia specifcally while in conveinence stores about how hard you have it

monkeyrotica

Wed, 28 May 2008 15:52:49 -0500

#16 Go for a midnight jog through Anacostia, preferrably with Ziplog bags full of money. Ignore the comments of the locals. They're just jealous.

TimmyTucker

Wed, 28 May 2008 15:44:01 -0500

#15 Just get away from the whole Hill area once in awhile. See what else the city has to offer. Maybe you can delay your transformation into a jaded, overworked, self-important Staffer. And maybe you can find out some of the truly great things that DC has to offer. Even though many people forget it (dc residents included), there is a whole vibrant part of this area that doesn't revolve around Capitol Hill.

Carl3000

Wed, 28 May 2008 15:43:03 -0500

Damn, people hate some khakis around here. You should work with old engineers like I do. A good day is when I don't have to see half of someone's hairy shins because their green pants from 1995 are 4 sizes too small.

monkeyrotica

Wed, 28 May 2008 15:20:30 -0500

#14 Blogging about being sodomized by Congressmen is not the sure-fire road to riches it once was. However, uploading the sex tape to redtube.com is always a good idea and remains America's best entertainment value. Viz #8, use that juicy chess club brain of yours and learn how to turn a condom into a dental dam in three E-Z-2-READ steps. Remember: when you're munching carpet, you're munching everyone who's ever walked on that carpet.

JA

Wed, 28 May 2008 15:11:15 -0500

#10 smells more like an airing of missed opportunities than handy advice.

angrypenguin

Wed, 28 May 2008 15:02:54 -0500

Do hang out in Adams Morgan and park illegally, preferably on a weekday after 7. Do go to brightestyoungthings.com and talk about how great anything is. The response to your unironic support and positivity will get you written up here. Do post on your personal blog (or the political blog your 3 wks as an intern for the junior staff assistant to the junior congresscritter from St. Elsewhere) about how the drained swamp that is DC is too humid, and that that leads to lethargic DC residents with bad moods impeding your segway progress down the sidewalks of H street ("and why are the doors of the Macy's so short, anyway--how can you drive through them?") Please do these things, because the comment threads on DCist aren't going to populate themselves.

dcnative1964

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:56:42 -0500

Can I hear an amen? If I never see another pair of pleated khakis, blue oxford shirt, navy blazer, and polyester rep tie uniform, it'll be too soon. Y'all forgot an important tidbit; get an iron, and learn how to use it. Or try something called a dry cleaner--once a month at least. Let us not forget showering. Living in your own funky stew may work in the petri dish of college. Yes, your devil-may-care attitude may highlight your disdain for the bourgeious mores of corporate-dictated culture. Guess what, you're in the middle of the bourgeious mores of corporate-dictated culture. Isn't that why you're here? In DC, when it's 98 degrees and %110 humid, and your poor liver is still processing the alcohol from the week before, you stink. You stink like a cocktail onion. No. Patchouli will not cover that funk. Take a freakin' shower. With soap. And remember, just because you're unique doesn't mean you're useful.

Bethesdaist

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:55:24 -0500

Yep, the younger ones are overdressed, and they wear their id tags out to the bars and various happy hours. If they have dry cleaning from the Hill cleaners, they carry it with them like a badge of honor. The young men usually need haircuts, and their cheeks get splotchy when they get trashed (they never just drink - they always get trashed.) They're so darn sincere, it amuses my icy cougar heart no end.

3 toed Sloth

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:51:39 -0500

Addendum to #7: Leave your croakies with your blazers.

hillrat

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:50:02 -0500

#4 is a piece of advice that never goes out of style, here or anywhere else. And why all the hate for khakis? It's the first step up from jeans and a natural progression for college students working their first professional job. The Summer I had my first internship I wore khakis almost everyday because I only had one suit, but three pairs of khakis. Let the kids look like kids before they become humorless Hill staffers in rumpled suits.

OldPosterKnownAsCranky

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:49:20 -0500

I must say, it is entertaining to watch all the intern dweeps at Union Station each morning. Never before has our democracy owed its continued survival to pimply faced geeks running around in brand new dark suits with their laminated ID badges swinging around their necks.

ThomasCircle

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:45:52 -0500

Id say the best place to pick these kids up is Hawk-N-Dove and the other bars located on that srip on The Hill. Another good one is Sign of the Whale, Mad Hatters, Rumors and that general vicinty. None of the children have cars so optimal watering holes located off the Metro are your best option. They are generally distinguished by their wide eyed glare. During the first few weeks look for the younger ones dressed a little over the top. Their styles might be a little out of place of it might reek of trying to hard. They'll probably be with a crowd of others as they tend to travel in small herds. I happened to bag quite a few last summer, with a prize catch that still hangs on the mantle. Happy Hunting!

flapjack

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:40:42 -0500

seriously Bethesdaist

Bethesdaist

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:35:03 -0500

But, seriously, don't be the next Monica, Jessica or Julia. It could be worse: you could be Chandra. Bad sex and never getting hired again are not the worst things that can happen to you.

Reid

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:25:34 -0500

13. Don't turn a popular political blog into your personal soapbox At some point you're going to be appointed an editor of a popular poltical blog known for its irreverent take on Hill life. Resist the urge to use this opportunity to launch into humorless rants, 'cause you'll probably end up getting fired after just a few months.

stmove

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:16:39 -0500

So I take that the advice to interns is: To be on guard because the people here before you are ex-interns who are more obnoxious, less interesting, and all in all the biggest a-holes ever birthed by their bespectacled demon-mothers. Add that to the delusion-of-grandeur, and toss in their apparent “cardiologist-on-call” need to get from point A to point B (when in fact nobody really cares if they show up in their meeting on time, thus the escalator rush is a sort of self inflicted urgency to adjourn the depression of that realization)- add on top of that still, some ugly clothes and people who are even pastier and less attractive than your college roommates and you get an idea of what your first summer here will be like. So drink, and slut it up little children! It is your only hope at leaving intact.

mreford

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:16:05 -0500

13. Never forget to utter those small words that can make a difference: Is that your baaaag?

Aaron Morrissey

Wed, 28 May 2008 13:57:46 -0500

dchater: 12. If I push you aside because you don't move from your position straddling the one middle pole on both sides, you forego all right to give me any sort of dirty look.

McGillicuddy

Wed, 28 May 2008 13:44:58 -0500

i whole heartedly disagree with 1, 2, 8 and 10. are you trying to destroy my life? by the way, can anyone recommend some places to pick up easy, drunk interns? i have a pad of paper and pencil ready. go.

mellbell

Wed, 28 May 2008 13:34:38 -0500

If nothing else, follow number six. Don't be like the guy in front of me on the escalator this morning standing in the middle of the freaking escalator and then giving me an affronted look when I brushed past. Oh, and three and ten are pretty sage advice, too.

dchater

Wed, 28 May 2008 13:33:25 -0500

11. Upon boarding, please move to the center of the car.

Fluxgirl

Wed, 28 May 2008 13:27:12 -0500

Yeah, but at least then they weren't drinking Bud lite, Miller lite, Lite lite, etc. Many a party is ruined at the House office bldgs by the locust-like hordes of fresh-faced youth snarfing up the buffet. Wait till they get the special initiation of the Ex Lax baited food....sweet smell of success....

monkeyrotica

Wed, 28 May 2008 13:17:05 -0500

"You exchange nods with governors of sovereign States; you elbow illustrious men, and tread on the toes of generals; you hear statesmen and orators speaking in their familiar tones. You are mixed up with office-seekers, wire-pullers, inventors, artists, poets, prosers, (including editors, army-correspondents, attachés of foreign journals, and long-winded talkers,) clerks, diplomatists, mail contractors, railway-directors, until your own identity is lost among them. Occasionally you talk with a man whom you have never before heard of, and are struck by the brightness of a thought, and fancy that there is more wisdom hidden among the obscure than is anywhere revealed among the famous. You adopt the universal habit of the place, and call for a mint-julep, a whisky-skin, a gin-cocktail, a brandy-smash, or a glass of pure Old Rye; for the conviviality of Washington sets in at an early hour, and, so far as I had an opportunity of observing, never terminates at any hour, and all these drinks are continually in request by almost all these people." - Nathaniel Hawthorne, 1862 Yeah, drunk a**hole office toadies in DC are a totally new invention.