June 20, 2008
Morning Roundup: Pregnant Pause Edition
Here we go again, Washington. The National Zoo is saying they're detecting elevated levels of progesterone in Mei Xiang, the zoo's female giant panda, which could mean she's pregnant with a brand new baby stick of butter. Or, it could mean that just like last year, she's exhibiting symptoms of a false pregnancy, and no fluffy little bundle of joy is really on the way after all. It could be mid- to late-July before we know for sure -- either she'll suddenly give birth, or we'll know it was a false pregnancy -- and here at DCist HQ, we're not totally sure we can take the emotional rollercoaster of panda pregnancy season again this year. Doesn't the National Zoo know what this does to us every time? Frankly, we'd almost rather not know about any of the elevated hormones or artificial insemination procedures, because then we wouldn't have to get our hopes up every year, only to have them crushed once again. Just call us when there's a new baby panda sitting in the zoo.
AG Office Firings Blocked: You'll recall that interim D.C. Attorney General Peter Nickles fired a whole bunch of his employees last month -- well now a Superior Court judge has issued a temporary restraining order that blocks him from firing seven of those lawyers, reports the Post. The judge ruled that the termination letters Nickles sent to his attorneys cited a reason for termination -- budgetary factors -- that is subject to regulations in the collective bargaining agreement with the union that represents the lawyers. Nickles also cited poor performance as a reason for the firings.
Briefly Noted: Woman killed in motorcycle crash in Southeast ... Fire that burned four homes in Northeast was arson ... Former D.C. public schools employee and her friend admit ID theft scheme ... Police have charged an 18-year-old man in the shooting death last summer of a young mother of two ... U.S. Park Police looking for suspect in Georgetown robbery and sexual assault.
This Day in DCist: In 2007 we shared a recipe for preparing soft shell crabs, and in 2005 we took note of the plague of the squeaky brakes on the D2 bus line.
Photo by Samer Farha
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I bet Mei Xiang is just pregnant with giddyness because it's the Summer solstice! can you blame her?
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They just need to have her hook up with other female pandas and make a teen pregnancy pact. Problem solved.
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The more I hear about Peter Nickles, the less I like the man. Can we hurry up and get him out of the "interim" job and get a real AG who'll stand up to his bullying?
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I hope it takes with Mei this time. I'm tired of sneaking in for those late night conjugal visits.
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Speaking of motorcycle crashes, the WaPo has a wonderful little piece about two shining examples of citizenry: brothers involved in simultaneous fatal motorcyle crashes. That's a rare one!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/19/AR2008061903810.html
The reader comments are the little gems you'd expect. Lots of "they got what they deserved" followed by "your [SIC] just a racist H8ter" followed by "my heart goes out to the loving, concerned family." My favorite, however, is the guy bragging that he has "smoke[SIC] 50 lots of times" but those guys needed the mad skillz, etc., blah, blah.
It's got everything you'd expect from WaPo reader comments you'd expect and then some, in one of those "who's the victim" pieces only the WaPo can deliver in such an obviously predictable manner.
Surprisingly, nobody has, to date, blamed the Suzuki Motor Corp., and we all know those H8ting Japanese have had it in for us since Pearl Harbor!
Enjoy
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Pandas are pretty stupid. They basically don't know their knocked up until they squeeze one day, and out pops a little butterstick. And then they don't know what to do with it. Should she eat it? Sit on it? Nurse it? Seriously, Darwin is telling pandas something pretty important. Pandas need to listen.
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Wow. For the first time I think ever, Monkey & I were thinking the same thing.
I hope I don't have a fever.
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Cranky - one could argue the same about some women, particularly those who don't know they're pregnant until they pop a baby out in the bathroom. Really? Really?
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Pandas are pretty stupid.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly how the male pandas like them. They're usually intimidated by the intelligent, Ivy League graduate pandas, but when that biological clock goes off, look out. It's like one minute they're all "let's do a day trip to NYC and get our moustaches waxed" and the next minute they're picking out friggin maternity wear at Pea in a Pod. Meanwhile, dad is crying in his beer at Black Cat with the other pandas who are giving him ZERO sympathy. "Dude, you're up to your nose in panda poonannie! WTF are you complaining about?" But they don't get it. Poopin out panda shorties means you have to finally grow the f**k up. No more late night pinochle and bamboo parties. No more strip clubs. Instead, you're stucking reading some smug self-help book your old lady bought you called, "What Every Panda Daddy Should Know." And every fathers day, you get a lousy f***ing tie. WTF is a panda supposed to do with a tie? They HATE ties.
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Great quote from the motorcycle article:
"I don't believe the police; nobody here believes the police. We all need to know what really happened."
Haha they need to know what really happened? Uh, one of the dudes was riding a stolen bike at over 100mph and crashed and .... uh .... died. That's what really happened.
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@FR
I definitely smell a lawsuit!
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Sort-of-Panda-related (serious) question: has anyone seen the red pandas lately, or do you know where they went? I went looking for them last Saturday when I took my son and my crazy mother-in-law to the Zoo, and there was a big "Exhibit Closed" sign? What gives? If we need to storm the Zoo to free them from an underground lab, I volunteer to be lead pitchfork-bearer. And if this involves more rat poison and an unlicensed contractor, I will be going Greenpeace on someone's ass.
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I liked this awkwardly-phrased, irrelevant description of the person who called the police:
"When I was on the phone, I could hear the sirens," said the employee, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he said he had a prior criminal record and feared retaliation by police.
does anyone really care why he spoke on the condition of anonymity? actually, i sort of do care now, and i think that might have made a more interesting story. p.s. i hope the motorcyclists were organ donors. if not, what a waste, huh?
Also, i think this should make quote of the week:
"Poopin out panda shorties means you have to finally grow the f**k up." by who else but Mr. Monkey. i love the alliteration!
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Hey Tim the Viking2: Not sure if the zoo ever got more red pandas since the unfortunate deaths of the original ones:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A26356-2004Jul3.html
They tried to get rid of the rodent problem at the Zoo by fumigating! Morons!
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I am totally in favor of fumigating morons. Then maybe I'd finally get a table at Matchbox.
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1.) Pandas are often too stupid to know when they are pregnant;
2.) Teenaged girls are often too stupid to know they are pregnant;
3.) Pegnant teenage girls often inadvertantly give birth in the restroom while at the prom;
4.) Put Mei Xiang in a prom dress and decorate her enclosure with crepe paper streamers and glitter "Come Sail Away" backdrops, and BINGO! New baby panda.
(I knew that class in logic would pay off someday.)
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tvc15 - yes the zoo got another set of red pandas. They were on display for a couple years and then were moved to the annex outside of town. They recently came back to the zoo and were in their habitat earlier in June.
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What's more likely to happen is that all the mean-girl pandas will rig the election so Mei Xiang will be elected prom queen and when she gets on stage to get her crown and scepter, a bucket full of pig's blood will rain down on her. Then, of course, she will use her telekinetic powers to kill everyone in the school. Do you really want that on your conscience? Do you? Because I know for a fact that Stephen King doesn't.
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Pregnant pandas are stupid = p.
Pregnant teenage girls are stupid = q.
Stupid pregnant teenage girls should be placed in stupid pregnant panda cages = r.
Hilarity ensues = s.
If p and q, then r. If r, then s.
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Karon: Wait, there are more pandas and there's an annex outside of town? Where the hell have I been?
Is there a zoo blog or something? I'd rather not be part of FONZ if I can help it.. "Aaayy" (snap fingers)
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Technically, since they're from Communist China, aren't all pandas Reds? Either way, they're far more entertaining than the Warren Beatty movie. I mean, WTF was Annie Hall doing in that thing? After that, I totally lost my faith in Hollywood communists.
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@monkey
They are Reds. If Mei Xiang is pregnant then this is clear violation of the one-child policy. We are renting these pandas, right?
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tvc15 - I don't think the annex is open to the public. But the red pandas on display were born out there which implies there are more red pandas than what are on display.
http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/AsiaTrail/
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More importantly, were their parents married? Otherwise, they're Red bastards.
Also, unless they've been baptised and accept Christ as their personal savior, they will burn in panda Hell for all Eternity. But they'll still be really cute. They'll also eat your face if given half a chance.
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Monkey, if William Katt will be next to her in his powder blue tuxedo, then yes, I still want Mei Xiang to win prom queen, carnage be damned. Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I would be so free.