July 3, 2008
Independence Day Roads: Let Metro Do the Driving
This year's Independence Day fireworks are scheduled to begin at 9:10 p.m. (Hopefully, the weather will cooperate.) But do you know how you'll be getting to and from the District's most coveted viewing locations?
Well, the District government (and the rest of us living here) would really prefer it if you used public transportation or walked, rather than driving - as one might suspect, there's going to be all sorts of stringent road restrictions going on throughout most of the day tomorrow. We figured we'd throw together a little Google Map to show you exactly how big of a challenge navigating in a car can be on the most Washingtonian of holidays. In the map, a red line indicates a total street closure starting at 6 a.m., and a gray line indicates a street which will have complete parking restrictions beginning at 5 a.m.
A couple of exceptions: The 9th Street Tunnel and the 12th Street Tunnel will remain open except during the Independence Day Parade, which will begin at approximately 11:45 a.m. and continue until approximately 2:30 p.m. 3rd and 14th Streets between Constitution and Independence will be closed from 11:30 a.m. onwards.
Oh, and for you Virginians, we didn't forget the bridges: the Arlington Memorial Bridge will be closed all day, in order to facilitate foot traffic around the Mall. The 14th Street Bridge and the Roosevelt Bridge will both be open, but "closely monitored" in case there's safety concerns after the fireworks start. And in case you think tomorrow's any different than another day, parking and stopping on any bridge during the day tomorrow is just as big a no-no as it is at any other time.
Also, remember that there are no bikes allowed on any Metro trains tomorrow, and that the Smithsonian station is closed all day for security purposes.
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Skip heading to the mall. It's better to watch the fireworks from the Mt. Vernon trail right at the river's edge. Then you can see the fireworks burst against the background of the Lincoln Memorial and Washington Monument. You can walk there from Crystal City metro and you don't have to deal with metal detectors and security checkpoints and clueless tourists.
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where's Crystal City?
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Crystal City is on the Yellow Brick Line, two stops past Oz. If you hit Narnia, you've got too far.
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:)
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Actually, Crystal City is also known as the "City of Domes." It was in Logan's Run. You can spend a lifetime there and never breathe fresh nonrecirculated air.
Having weathered more July 4ths than you've had hot dinners, I can honestly say the best venue for viewing the fireworks is the Iwo Jima Memorial, so long as you get there early enough. Say, right now. Rosslyn Metro can get pretty choked, but you can always kill some time with a bushel of crabs and some beers at the Quarterdeck. Otherwise, I'd rather saw my own head off that be trapped on the Mall with every redneck with a cooler and a flag. Christ, the Smithsonian Metro is like something out of Day of the Locusts. I kept expecting to see the original Homer Simpson stomping some androgynous tween to death. If you're dumb enough to go that route, use your bike. The streets will be gridlocked and the subway's a zoo. Bikes are worth its weight in gold when you're pedaling past the swamped escalators.
You'd think that watching from a boat on the river would be great, except everyone's wasted and it's pitch dark and their boats are listing from all the "boat 'hos" they picked up at Sequoia.
The view from Cardozo High is always good, but you have to deal with kids setting eachothers JeriCurls on fire with roman candles. But there's always something happenin on Euclid. And while we're on the subject of Euclid, can we get a head start on all the jive-ass honkeys pissing and moaning about the bottle rockets going off until 5am and ruining their beauty sleep? Y'know, just so we can get that out of the way?
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How does one become a "boat 'ho" ? Not that I want to, just seems like it'd be useful information.
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The real crime is the total lack of Barry Bostwick. Its not much of a "Capitol 4th" without Barry.
Jimmy Smits?!
Whatever.
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monkey: smithsonian stop's closed for security, so i'm sorry to destroy that memory for ya.
meridian hill is a great place to have your hair (and every other body part) set on fire by kids and their parents. good times, if you live to tell the tale.
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Standard boat 'ho attire includes, but is not limited to, booty shorts, halter tops, BIG sunglasses, spray-on tan, sorority teeshirts. Vulgar teeshirts are also a plus. "Real Girls Eat Meat" or "I'm With Stupid" with an arrow pointing towards your crotch is always in good taste. You're looking for a forty-something cougar trying to look twenty kinda vibe. A basic familiarity with nautical terminology helps. "Can I swab yer poop deck, Cap'n?" always gets attention from horndog mariners, as does, "Belay the mainbrace Squire Trelawney! This be my ship now! Arrrr!" Parrots and jeweled eyepatches work great here, as most boaters are Jimmy Buffet fans and are also into rum, sodomy, and the lash. As a last resort, vomiting on his shirt always works. From there, you take him below deck and out of those nasty uninhabitable clothes. From there, it's up to you, you sly fox you.
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very nice...