July 15, 2008
Murky Coffee vs. Teh Internet
It's become an epic fight of the caffeinated world. In one corner, the java-head who likes his espresso on the rocks. In the other, the emphatic barista and his posse of "mud" slingers.
The overblown scuffle started this past Sunday when blogger Jeff Simmermon stopped by Murky Coffee in Arlington for his usual, a triple shot of espresso on ice. But in a scene reminiscent of Jack Black in High Fidelity or Paul Giamatti in Sideways, Simmermon got a face full of coffee snobbery. “I’m sorry, we can’t serve iced espresso here. It’s against our policy,” is the response he got instead. What ensued next, according to Simmermon, was a series of blank stares, rolled eyes, and recitations of "coffee policy." Although he sort of received his beverage - a triple espresso with a side cup of ice - Simmermon made sure to add this tidbit
Touching a waitress’s chest is Not Okay. Pouring the coffee onto the floor instead of the cup is Not Okay. Drinking something I paid for the way I want to drink it — that’s more than Not Okay, it’s perfectly fucking fine.
Normally, not much would have come out of a blogger's online gripes about a shop's bad service, but once the story hit BoingBoing, Consumerist and other intertubes, Murky owner Nick Cho shot back with his response on Murky's blog.
Okay, we don't do espresso over ice. Why? Number one, because we don't do it. Number two, because we don't do it. Mostly for quality reasons. Also, because more than half the time, it's abused (Google "ghetto latte") ...Ah, mustn't forget the obligatory curse word and threat. We know Cho has had a bad year, but it all seems a little over the top at this point. Quality control is important, but does a customer's "uninformed" coffee-drinking habits warrant a side order of attitude? While many customers enjoy Murky's local coffeehouse charm, laid back vibe, and high quality product, it just doesn't work both ways.... At murky, we try to treat people with common courtesy, and expect the same from our customers. Not in response or in turn, but because that's how people are supposed to treat each other. We're not supposed to go through life looking for reasons to get pissed off. Life's too short for that sort of thing.
Fuck you, Jeff Simmermon. Considering your public threat of arson, you'll understand when I say that if you ever show your face at my shop, I'll punch you in your dick.
Photo by samthegirl
| 
add to stumble upon
add to reddit
email this
add to facebook
add to del.icio.us
[ report this ]
Let's see...
Jackass owner of Murky doesn't want to pay taxes in DC and closes shop.
Jackass then proceeds to take complaints about his remaining establishment personally, and gets into a pissing match with said complaining customer.
This guy needs a lesson on how to behave like a responsible business owner and keep it a customer-friendly environment.
Step 1: Pay your goddamn taxes, moocher.
Step 2: Apologize to the customer, assert your policy, but offer something to bring them back, thus showing your committment to keeping customers.
Step 3: Profit! (no, really)
[ report this ]
Okay, we don't do PAYING OUR TAXES. Why? Number one, because we don't do it. Number two, because we don't do it.
Just sayin'
[ report this ]
Is refusing to serve customers what they want and threatening to punch them in the genitals part of the "Coffeehouse charm" and "Laid back vibe" of which you speak?
[ report this ]
WRONG :( “I’m sorry; we can’t serve iced espresso here. It’s against our policy”
RIGHT :) “I’m sorry, we can’t serve iced espresso here, because it will taste like ass and you deserve better...try this instead..."
Customer Service 101, never say no, just give alternatives.
Business 101. PAY YOUR TAXES
[ report this ]
Um, hello, has anyone heard of COFFEE ICE CUBES?
Just take some leftover coffee, pour it into cube trays, pour your hot joe over top, and VOILA, iced coffee that's not watered down.
What the F#¢* is so awful/burdensome/anti-barrista about iced coffee??!!?
[ report this ]
lol. This is so stupidly unbelievable, yet great because it's true! omg Thanks for bringing this to my attention dcist.
Come for the great coffee, stay for the dick punching.
[ report this ]
Fuck you, Jeff Simmermon. Considering your public threat of arson, you'll understand when I say that if you ever show your face at my shop, I'll punch you in your dick.
Never have the words "If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying that because I care - there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing" been truer.
[ report this ]
What a douche.
[ report this ]
i was following this through the dceiver, and i thought for some reason that this murky was owned by someone other than the jackass that didn't pay his taxes here in the district.
but, if what you're saying is that this is the same guy, then i hope he punches himself in the dick.
repeatedly.
forever.
i'd like to leave a sign on his door that says "INRD", which, when roughly translated from the ancient latin/hebrew/aramaic, means "KING OF THE DOUCHES"
[ report this ]
In the vein of official policy, DCist should make it a policy to have as many funny as shit articles as possible. This is the most hysterical thing I have read in t a long time. Why? Cuse it's true! I hope everyone took some time to read the full postings on both blogs. If you haven't then you are stupid and I'll punch you in the dick.
p.s. Can anyone else see this played out by the characters on Weeds? Kevin Nealon's character getting it in the nuts cuse he flipped out? I see it.
[ report this ]
The quote above leaves out the real reason for the policy, the quality issue is mostly a cop-out. People ordering espresso over ice will usually turn around and fill the cup the rest of the way up with milk. Instant, cheap, ghetto latte. I don't blame Cho for trying to stop that.
[ report this ]
Okay, Nick Cho, seriously? 'Cause just FYI it's quite possible to get a caffe freddo in Italy (though it doesn't seem like that popular a choice unless it's blisteringly hot outside).
Is it really this big of a deal for a customer to allegedly offend the make-believe coffee gods?
[ report this ]
This looks like an example of two classy people acting real classy.
Though threatening someone with a cockpunch gets a big thumbs up in my book.
[ report this ]
I drink a lot of coffee... but it's coffee, not steak. If I went to any coffee establishment and they refused to serve me an ice americano, I would never go back.
[ report this ]
More business-friendly way to stop ghetto latte phenomenon: SMALLER CUPS.
[ report this ]
if Nick does in fact punch Jeff in the dick, is he allowed to put ice on it or is that also against their policy?
[ report this ]
I'm perplexed...as someone who's worked in a variety of coffeehouses over the years (not starbucks), does this mean Murky does NO iced coffee drinks? Or just no iced Espresso. Pretension in a shop that looks like it will fall down and/or the dust bunnies are holding it up. Love it.
[ report this ]
Hey, Some coffee purists disdain all but black drip coffee, but I've never heard of anyone threatening genital mutilation over adding cream and sugar.
connie dobbs,
Good idea -- that's my biggest pet peave with iced coffee. I'll have to try that trick. My solution is adding a little high quality instant coffee or espesso to balance the watering effect of the cubes.
Iced coffee is a low cost solution for places to unload old coffee -- Starbucks realized this ages ago and even upcharges for iced over hot coffee, and charges for sweetening rather than offering free simple syrup (avoiding undissolved sugar granules). Even with their recent troubles, I'm guessing Starbucks has more collective business wisdom than Nick Cho.
[ report this ]
(1) Murky Coffee's website says they are dedicated to serving "the people of Washington."
(2) Virginia Code section 18.2-60(A)(1): "Any person who knowingly communicates, in a writing, including an electronically transmitted communication producing a visual or electronic message, a threat to kill or do bodily injury to a person, regarding that person or any member of his family, and the threat places such person in reasonable apprehension of death or bodily injury to himself or his family member, is guilty of a Class 6 felony."
[ report this ]
from the murky blog
Q. Get over it. It's just coffee.
You're absolutely right. Everyone go home and call your mother and tell her you love her. Afterwards, understand that it is "just coffee" after all
WUT??
[ report this ]
the new blogger over at whyihatedc needs to get on stories like this. because, well, that's why i hate dc.
[ report this ]
but this ain't DC, hoodrat. virginia gets to claim this guy for its own...
[ report this ]
Man, I haven't had a dick punch in a long time. I think I need to head over to Murky get me one, quick. Can I get that on ice?
[ report this ]
Jeff: I'd like a plain omelette, no potatoes, tomatoes instead, and an espresso on the rocks.
Barrista: (points to the menu) No substitutions.
Jeff: What do you mean? You don't have any ice?
Barrista: Only what's on the menu. You can have a number two - a plain espresso. It comes with a lemon twist.
Jeff: Yeah, I know what it comes with. But it's not what I want.
Barrista: Well, I'll come back when you make up your mind.
Jeff: Wait a minute. I have made up my mind. I'd like a plain espresso, no ice in the cup, and a side order of ice.
Barrista: I'm sorry, we don't have any side orders of ice...
Jeff: What do you mean you don't sell side orders of ice? You make iced tea, don't you?
Barrista: Would you like to talk to Nick Cho?
Jeff: ...You've got cups and an ice machine of some kind?
Barrista: I don't make the rules.
Jeff: OK, I'll make it as easy for you as I can. I'd like an espresso, plain, and an iced tea, no sugar, no splenda, no lemon.
Barrista: A number two, espresso, and an iced tea, hold the sugar, the lemon and the splenda. Anything else?
Jeff: Yeah. Now all you have to do is hold the tea, bring me the ice, give me a check for the iced tea, and you haven't broken any rules.
Barrista (spitefully): You want me to hold the tea, huh?
Jeff: I want you to hold it between your knees!
Barrista (turning and telling him to look at the sign that says, "No Substitutions") Do you see that sign, sir? Yes, you'll all have to leave. I'm not taking any more of your smartness and sarcasm.
Jeff: You see this sign? (He sweeps all the water glasses and menus off the table.)
[ report this ]
You know what I really love? I like to take an Egg Mcmuffin and a packet of ranch dressing, open the muffin up, and pour the dressing all over it. It's like a ghetto eggs benedict. And the first one of you pricks that tries to stop me, I'll execute every motherf***ing last one of ya.
"Let's FU********K! I''LL F**K ANYTHING THAT MOVES! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
[ report this ]
If I weren't against giving money to their general pretentiousness as a rule, I'd say we go hold an ice-in. Bring our own damn ice, order our triple espressos, and pour everything together in front of their snobby, bitchy baristas.
Luckily, I lack a cock to punch, but others may not fare as well.
[ report this ]
I feel bad for Nick. His wife left him, his business is in shambles, and he's clearly at the end of his rope.
Are many of Nick's problems of his own making? Sure, but it's gotta be tough to try and hold on to your business; to try and do it passionately and with some integrity; and then have some jackanape taking potshots at you on the internet.
[ report this ]
*gets up from desk and moves further down the cubicle row away from monkey*
Oh and I'm more than happy to punch you in the dick vote4pedro.
[ report this ]
Monkey,
Haven't you read Kitchen Confidential? You never want to order the eggs benedict.
[ report this ]
"Iced coffee is a low cost solution for places to unload old coffee"
Random anecdote.. when I worked at a Dunkin Donuts, the coffee for the iced coffee was specifically brewed at double-strength for that purpose, and was generally fresh (except in the winter, in which case it may have been sitting around for weeks. Yum.)
[ report this ]
I hope thier no ice coffee rule is just because they are fucking cheap ass retards who are afraid of losing 10 cents on milk, even when they are charging $3 for 5 cents worth of cup, water and burnt bean.
Because if that decision was made out of coffee "snobbery" those douches need to get back in thier time machine and set the dial to 1994 when people gave a fuck about coffee snobbery and latte's were something novel to douche bag yuppies and people wearing beanie caps in Seattle. Or go to Rio, Florence or Milan and get punched in the nuts and thrown in the street for refusing to serve someone iced expresso.
It's f-ing coffee! COFFEE! You Murky losers. Every dickwad in the literal world drinks it in 70 different ways, and no-one cares.
[ report this ]
a fair point, IMGoph. maybe nova needs its own whyihate blog, but i can't really be bothered going out there often enough to explain all the reasons i hate northern virginia.
[ report this ]
And THIS is why I refused to patronize the Eastern Market Murky Coffee before they were shut down by the taxman. The EM Starbucks couldn't steam a milk to save their soul, but at least their drinks don't come with a free helping of pretentiousness.
[ report this ]
Wow, I forgot that Murky Coffee was still in business over in Arlington.
What kills me is that Nick threatens the cock punch right on the front page of his business's website. It's not even buried in the thread of some obscure forum or blog it's, like, right there on the freaking main page.
I'm sorry, but that's just being a dumbass. I don't care that the customer was an indignant snob who couldn't take "no" for an answer...responding the way Nick did is just stupid.
Of course, "forgetting" to pay your taxes is a pretty dumbass, stupid thing too...so perhaps there is a pattern developing here.
[ report this ]
Politburo,
Don't you mean "Yummo?"
[ report this ]
Interesting that this came out on the same day as the WashPost article on how small coffee shops are thriving while Starbucks is closing stores:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/07/13/AR2008071301463.html
They do have my favorite Coffee Peddler on the photo, Dale Roberts of the Java Shack.
[ report this ]
What a dumbass. I'm enjoying watching the slow desertion of your customers. Pretty soon you'll burn down the shop yourself and claim someone else did it to hide the fact you didn't pay taxes there.
[ report this ]
Interesting that this hit BoingBoing the same day that WashPost puts out an article on how local coffeeshops are doing well while Starbucks closes 600 stores.
I know that Dale Roberts of the Java Shack (pictured in the article) would sell the guy the espresso on ice if he really wanted it.
[ report this ]
sheesh... when did Murky officially jump the shark?