It's Monday, so you know what that means - another hearty helping of the witty best and hilarious worst of your contributions to our little nook of the interwebs. So pull yourself away from refreshing those Olympic results for one second and...dive in.

John Edwards' affair was probably a bad decision on the part of the former senator and presidential candidate. But as Burleith points out in our Comment of the Week, his staff's damage control skills are unmatched.

Well, if you're going to pick a day to break the news, a Friday afternoon in August is good.

I'm sure no one will notice.

After the jump, gastropubs, restaurant cleanliness grades, and finally, we've found Pee-Wee's bike.

Photo by easement.

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Regardless of whether or not you like scotch eggs, it looks like most of you are at least piqued by the District's newest gastropub, Commonwealth.

Oh, and the love poured out for Adam Express in Mt. Pleasant as well. Yum, dumplings.

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A new report says that D.C. should put letter grades for cleanliness in restaurant windows. Some liked the idea - others didn't.

But as for alternate ideas, erahk0, not bad, but the city doesn't have Batman on the payroll:

Instead of paying taxes for an ineffective D.C. Health Department I would rather see the DCRA launch a Kitchen Cam website with each licensed DC restuarant having their own page where you view 2 or 3 cameras and can judge for your self how clean the joint is. Non-paricipants would get an automatic "F" in the window. Audio would be optional.

But of course, a parade of good ideas could only end in The Magical World of Monkeyrotica:

Anybody remember that fence on Pennsylvania Ave just before you get to Georgetown, where someone spraypainted, "THIS FENCE KEEPS RATS FROM JUMPING AT YOU"? That's the kinda signage we need more of in DC. Simple. Direct. Informative. Pre-emptive. They should have one in front of every Subway that says, "THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE ASS." Lauriol Plaza's would say "WARNING: CROWDS OF INSUFFERABLE TWATWAFFLES INSIDE." Sequoia's would say, "POPPED COLLAR LNS DOUCHES WITHIN. JUST ADD LIQUOR."

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The kickball fiasco is settled. Of course, we should probably file this in the "only in D.C." file, right stmove?

A bunch of lawyers in DC playing kickball, and then suing eachother (because this is DC and they are lawyers after all) over who has the right to play kickball, just shows why you never have to write satire in this town, it just writes itself.

Square #1: Let's have fun, chillax, and play a game for 3rd graders! Yayyy!!!
Square #2: Oh no you don't motherf#@ker! That's my game bitch!"
...cut to a giant melee with khaki shorts and glasses flying everywhere.

But as smittydc points out, kickball in general is a good idea gone bad:

I remember when they started playing kickball down on the mall and it seemed like a great idea -- most softball leagues are just excuses to socialize and drink, so why not play a game that everyone can enjoy. Then, by all accounts, the same uber-competitive douchebags who had ruined the softball leagues started playing kickball too. You know the ones, the idiots who show up in their highschool baseball uniforms and cleats, take everything too seriously, and throw frat boy tantrums if someone on their team makes a mistake.

That reminds me -- I feel terrible for the women in this town... most of the men are such tools (or gay).

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So who walks around the city in their bare feet?

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SmartBike DC is now up and running, and even though their resemblance to another awesome bike is great, Matvey points out one of the inherent flaws of the system:

This is BYOHelmet and BYOLock? If you already own a helmet and lock, chances are you've got a bicycle that already fits you, has more than one gear, doesn't have a ridiculous fender, and doesn't weigh 40 pounds.

inloganO represents the glass half full side of things:

I signed up last week. I can't wait to get my card. I think a lot of people are missing the point of this. It's designed for short, quick trips. If I need to go to the doctor in Foggy Bottom from my place in Logan Circle, instead of taking the bus I can go to the station at 14th and Rhode Island and check out a bike and ride it to Foggy Bottom. I can put it back in the rack there instead of having to lock it up. Once I am done with the doctor I can pick up a new bike at the rack and ride back to Logan Circle. There will be a lot more stations around the city if this catches on. I don't think commuting would work too well though because what happens when all the people out in the fringes ride downtown at 8am and try to find an exmpty slot to return the bike?

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The potential addition of FiOS cable service to D.C. seems like good news, but as Reid points out, Verizon doesn't have the most sterling reputation either:

I've had a lot of experience with Verizon and Comcast. And they both suck. I find that once you get a Comcast employee on the phone or in your house, they're pretty helpful. But, as you point out, Comcast seems to arbitrarily jack up your rates.

New boss, same as the old boss...

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Alright boys, bring out the boondoggle-endorsed hippo squads:

I've argued for this for years: hippopotami can do for neighborhood checkpoints what K-9 units have done for drug seizures. Put a hungry, hungry Happy on patrol at Florida and 12th NE and watch crime in Trinidad disappear overnight.

Thug life? Y'all ain't ready for no territorial bull hippo son.

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For future reference, lest you ever accuse us of not giving you enough chances to make pee jokes.

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Oh, the MHz channels - The Say's personal favorite is the Asian one that shows Aussie Rules Football on the weekends, but hey, dcustadiumnow, everyone's different:

ESPN doesn't show any Olympics, that's just the schedule of events.

If you're really really desperate you were watching the opening ceremony live on the Nigerian channel this morning.

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So...Disco Stu, we'll still be able to purchase them, right?

when funnel cakes are outlawed, only outlaws will have funnel cakes. "viva la revolucion," and "let them eat cake" finally reconciled together.

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McGillicuddy, you could have used comment this for every Morning Roundup since mid-June. Where have you been?

so in summary, people continue to shoot and kill each other, the summer weather is hot, and the economy sucks? this makes me want to procreate.

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Hey, hey, it's award time.

We hope you had a good weekend out there before being chained back down to your desk this morning. But to ease that pain, BiggerHunt presents an avatar of palm trees, sand, and a calming island sunset. For this contribution to our collective malaise, we're happy to present BiggerHunt with the Avatar Award for Achievement in the Field of Avatars.

And it's rare that we have such a double threat in the both award categories, but MahoganyShip will have to settle this week for the Username of the Week. It's also doubly rare that we have a Username with such an interesting backstory - we're sure that the legendary "Mahogany Ship" captivated Australian attentions much in the way that we're captivated by the legendary "Shaved Panda."