DCist: Today in History: D.C. Burns

monkeyrotica

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 17:17:37 -0500

I don't think we meant minstrels. You know I could make a joke about what's bloody, monthly, and sings (Answer: The New Christy Menstruals), but I won't because I'm a f***ing gentleman and need to get back to my The Funky Phantom DVD.

SpeakSoftlyCarryABigStick

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:58:36 -0500

Yet another reason why August is the month to not be in DC... BTW, should we return the favor and try to digitally burn Londonist? Any takers?

monkeyrotica

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:24:31 -0500

And yet 80 years later, legions of maurauding mimes turned the tide at the Battle of San Juan Hill, acting as cannon fodder for Teddy Roosevelt's Rought Riders. And yet I see no monuments to the 3rd Unarmored Mime Infantry (the heroic "Walking Against The Wind Brigade"). A travesty the next President must remedy.

OldPosterKnownAsCranky

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:23:25 -0500

What if colonial era mimes tried to warn us that the British were coming, but no one paid attention? And I'm giggling at the thought of a mime-off. Would be way better than a dance-off.

Heather Goss

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:18:10 -0500

@Kevrock -- whoops! I don't think we meant minstrels. Editing now, thanks!

Kevrock

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:10:53 -0500

Time to inject some grammar nerdiness into the historical nerdiness of the comments -- unless the Brits were unleashing hordes of traveling minstrels, marauding mimes, or rapacious theatrical touring companies on the District, it should likely be "invading troops" that were smote down by the Wrath of God rather than "invading troupes."

14thandYou

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:55:39 -0500

Holy Mother of God. Did I really just step into an argument over the War of 1812? "Hazard" Perry in da mothaf***ing hizzouse!

monkeyrotica

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:42:25 -0500

So did we ever get those smallpox-infected blankets back or what? You'd figure those heathens would croak, we'd get the blanket back, then we could give them to another heathen. The reason I ask is that with Winter's just around the corner, those poor homeless need something to keep warm. Hobo Hank's Blanket-in-a-Bottle Brand Vodka only goes so far.

erahk0

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:39:50 -0500

The other story i heard was that the Brits didn't leave Chick Hall's in Bladensburgh and it was the Canadians who went to Baltimore. I think they thought the Beatles were playing at the civic center.

OldPosterKnownAsCranky

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:36:42 -0500

TeeCee: Please go to Murky Coffee and get yourself a nice iced coffee and relax. I think it's a bit hyperbolic to say that the sole - or "real" - cause of the War of 1812 was the Brits secret supplying of weapons to Indians on the western frontier.

erahk0

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:31:24 -0500

@teecee i think you overstate some of the causes for the war. I agree that the invasion into canada was just as stupid as unnecessary. And while it's true that the US didn't treat the indians morally fair and the brits were siding or aiding the Indians it was disproporionate to the aggressive british acts at sea which affected east coast merchants and our economy far worse then the west-ward settlers of the very early 1800's. As for voting for McCain, I don't wear my politics on my sleave and try (hard as it is) to maintain balanced and informed opinion and this thread surely isn't enough for anyone to know how i will vote. I'll not respond to your self-inflicting wishes, for that is insulting and offensive.

OldPosterKnownAsCranky

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:30:38 -0500

PetitePomme: Not sure, but Madison did spend time at that home and later occupied it when the White House was being featured on Extreem Makeover: Ye Olde Home Edition. Whether the secret tunnels actually existed or were folklore, I don't know. But if there were tunnels, Madison is pretty lucky he didn't run into Morlocks. He would have taken Ye Olde Metro, but it was dealing with massive delays due to fires on the wooden tracks.

monkeyrotica

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:27:32 -0500

Speaking of which, anybody seen Dick Cheney lately? Last time I saw him he was shooting campaign contributers in the face. I hope Zombie Kemal Attaturk hasn't gotten to him.

monkeyrotica

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:26:21 -0500

Except they didn't go home. They went to Baltimore. Gotcha. Kinda like how our Iraq exit strategy involves leaving by way of Tehran. Makes sense.

Henry Krinkle

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:16:39 -0500

You can tell it's not Candaians in that engraving because they don't have beady eyes and floppy heads.

guest guest

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:16:19 -0500

"Basically, the British showed up, f***ed the town's s**t up, declared victory, and went home." Except they didn't go home. They went to Baltimore.

monkeyrotica

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:11:21 -0500

You guys got it all wrong. It wasn't the British or the Canadians that burned down Washington. It was the Barbary pirates. We've had an undeclared war with the Ottoman Empire ever since. What do you think this "police action" in Persia is all about? It's never been about stopping al Quaida. It's about stopping Zombie Kemal Attaturk. And even though they burned the White House, they never did find Lincon's gold. [Pssst. It's up his nose in Mount Rushmore.]

Ian

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:09:31 -0500

Awesome post. Well done, Amanda.

erahk0

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:05:47 -0500

yes, Petitepomme as i had always understood it, it is the only time the Canadians ever invaded another country (that is if you don't count the Normandie invasion). It is an interesting source of pride for them too, because what really cracks me up about the canucks is their other (contrasting)source of pride - the fact that they "never" revolted against the mothercountry.

teecee

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:02:16 -0500

erahk0, you are exactly why I wrote my comment. The free trade stuff was bullshit to swindle idiots like you. The result of the war was the destruction of the Native American nations to pave the way for American settlers. It was pure aggression hidden in patriotic language. Go vote McCain and junkpunch yourself.

sordid

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:58:17 -0500

You said Cockburn...uh, heh-huh, huh-huh. yeah! cool. mmmmCockburn! Cornholio have Cockburn!

Reid

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:56:29 -0500

Wouldn't you think someone who grew up with the name "Cockburn" would've developed a thicker skin than that?

erahk0

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:54:23 -0500

Yep there definitely were a few f'ups, gaffs and way bad decisions but what would be better; to fight for your right to free trade over the open seas & maintain our independance or live for 200 more years as a loyal subject to the monarchy as the Canadians had. No tribute to tyrants

petitepomme

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:53:27 -0500

When I was growing up my grandfather always told me that it was in fact the Canadians that burned the White House. I’m guess he assumed that the British ran the show and the soldiers were actually Canadians (b/c it was closer?) who were P.O.’ed about our antics up north so joined in on the fun? I don’t know why he would say that…misplaced pride? typical elderly cockamamie story? Cranky – do you know if there’s any truth in that?

monkeyrotica

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:53:11 -0500

Cockburn wanted to destroy the newspaper because they had written so many negative items about him, branding him as "The Ruffian." Man, you gotta love them old school insults. I hate to think what he would have done to the town if the papers had called him "The Blackguard." Don't suppose it ever occurred to call him something a little more risque? C'mon, the guy has "cock" in his name! How can you not go there? And yet this is the same general who, after defeating Kosciusco at the Battle of Fort Ticonderoga, became immortalized by the sobriquet "The Polesmoker." How times change.

teecee

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:47:13 -0500

To interject history nerdniness into an interesting local history story, the "free trade" argument and British impressment of American sailors was little more than cover for the real motives behind the U.S. declaring war on the motherland. Call those reasons the W.M.D. of the War of 1812. In reality, the U.S. was pissed because the British were selling weapons to the Native Americans which made settling on the other side of Appalachia rather difficult. The New England states (who were most likely to support the idea of free trade as a commercial shipping center) were largely opposed to the war because they had exterminated most of their native population a century or so before.

OldPosterKnownAsCranky

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:44:19 -0500

And for your history fetishists, the rumor was that Madison took secret tunnels from the White House (which I think at that time was referred to as the President's House/Mansion) to the Octagon home several blocks away (corner of 18 and E, I think?). He then ran like a girl from the Octagon to the Potomac and got on an escape rowboat. The Brits also burned down the Capitol. Which turned out to be a great thing since the original Capitol building was a total FUBAR with crappy construction materials. The renovations tore down the rest of the Capitol and started from scratch with an actual good design and better quality materials (not to mention that Congress finally appropriated enough money for the building, rather than holding bake sales).

OldPosterKnownAsCranky

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:40:00 -0500

Nice historical recap. The War of 1812 was a f'up of epic proportions (coughIraqcough). We basically decided to declare war on Britain, even though the Brits had a large professional army and controlled the seas with their massive navy. We embarked on a half-ass invasion of Canada in the hopes that it would inspire the locals to rise up and revolt against the Brits (great way to not have another country join your cause: invade them and loot one of their large cities). Our plan was to use our faces to absorb the British punches and hope the Brits eventually tired themselves out. Good show! The only major military success the US had was the Battle of New Orleans where we totally pwned! the Brits (Andrew Jackson in the mother f'in house, y'all!). Of course, the battle took place two weeks after the peace treaty had been signed in Europe, but oh well. News traveled slow along the Internet in the 1800s.

monkeyrotica

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:31:01 -0500

Basically, the British showed up, f***ed the town's s**t up, declared victory, and went home. Kinda reminds me of Bagdad. When was that "aspirational time horizon" again?

McGillicuddy

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:30:32 -0500

it looks as though DC had looting and issues with their fire hydrants in the old days too. some things never change.

DAJ

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:27:24 -0500

Of course, if you did support retaliatory arson then the proprietors of Commonwealth might defend their restaurant with the obligatory junk punch.