DCist: Morning Roundup: Damage Control Edition

MS

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:36:53 -0500

Thanks Sommer!

IMGoph

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 13:51:49 -0500

i nominate cleveland rocks for the best rambling quote of the day. bravo, sir.

run_for_the_hills

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:50:34 -0500

"Is it true that you can only get pregnant if you have sexual intercourse?" Not if you're Bill Brasky.

hoyacougar

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:46:48 -0500

Mmmbop, LOL, you get my vote for best morning roundup comment... hc

ClevelandRocks

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:34:37 -0500

RE: Tom Waits Story I guess if I said to some chick "I'd take a bullet for you" that's actually my way of saying "baby, I'd like to impregnate you so badly, that I will let some shoot my sperm into with a a projectile weapon of dubious cleanliness"? Nice. It's might be a step up from these teenagers who phone-email each other pictures of their genitals. I mean, come one, that could be anybody's junk.

ClevelandRocks

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:27:45 -0500

Is the daughter's name really Bristol? What's up with these stupid city names for real names. Oooh, I know, let's call her Brooklyn and the other Weehawken and the other on Trent(on) and then we can name the grandchildren after suburbs and so on. This is just one more way Urban Sprawl is destroying our country! I mean you don't see Browns fans callin' their kids Cleveland..........oh wait, you do actually. There's many a Mr. Cleveland Brown in the phone book. So here's to Bristol Myersquib Palin and Cleveland Brown the Fourth. May the next generation of Cleveland Browns play better defense than the former.

monkeyrotica

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:27:32 -0500

Reminds me of the Tom Waits story: I think the question I get asked the most is... I mean, it happens a lot. Enough that I would remark on it. A lot of people come up to me and they say, 'Tom, is it possible for a woman to get pregnant without intercourse?' And my answer is always the same. I say, 'Well, listen. We're gonna have to go all the way back to the Civil War.' Apparently, a stray bullet actually pierced the testicle of a Union soldier, and then lodged itself in the ovaries of an eighteen year old girl, who was actually a hundred feet from him at the time. Well, the baby was fine. She was very happy, guilt free and... Of course, the soldier was a little pissed off. When you think about it, it's actually a FORM of intercourse, but... not for everyone. Those who love action maybe.

IMGoph

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:20:31 -0500

wow, flapjack, i kinda feel even more sorry for the baby-daddy now.

flapjack

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:16:07 -0500

Well according to some websites "Is it true that you can only get pregnant if you have sexual intercourse?: Not true. It is possible to get pregnant if a man ejaculates on or near the opening to the vagina because the sperm can swim in the semen, enter the vagina and swim up the fallopian tubes where they can fertilise an egg." Maybe she didn't actually have sex, I mean they're only 17. It sounds better to say they did it than admitting he is a 10 second man who popped before the train even entered the station.

IMGoph

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:10:18 -0500

oh god, run for the hills, you really might have started a whole new dcist meme with that one! way to go!

monkeyrotica

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:59:42 -0500

Secret Canuck Abortion? Is that when they stick a gym sock in your mouth and go all harp seal on you with baseball bats? Regardless, definitely using that for my next band name.

run_for_the_hills

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:53:01 -0500

I don't understand why she just didn't have Bristol flown into Canada under the cloak of darkness for a secret canuck abortion, like all the GOP senators do.

monkeyrotica

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:37:46 -0500

You still have to have have sex to make the baby, right? Well, there was one case of a certain rabbi from Nazareth. His dad never showed up, either. Bad enough he had to bang some nice Jewish girl without protection, but to be such a deadbeat that he doesn't show up at his own kid's crucifiction? That s**t is cold. Also, Bible scholars are had at work trying to prove that the Governor's last child is, in fact, the Quisatz Haderach. They've already proven conclusively that Barack Obama is the antichrist.

Hillman

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:28:03 -0500

Damn good thing Governor Palin is a Governor, not a priest. What with Leviticus 21:9 requiring that the daughters of priests that have premarital sex be burned alive and all... Dodged a bullet on that one, didn't she? Or could Palin's moralistic santimonious BS and her pretty clear desire to make her morals be the law of the land be enough to consider her a 'priest'?

Hillman

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:24:13 -0500

Cue Madonna.... "Papa Don't Preach (or, at least, tell me how the fuck a condom works already)" The real story here is apparently Governor Palin told everyone her daughter had 'mono' for the last five months, admitting to the pregnancy only when forced. Now, it's been a while since I've been Canyon Yodelling, but since my last Crimson Wave Ride things haven't changed, have they? You still have to have have sex to make the baby, right? Or does that give you mono?

Mmmbop

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:23:00 -0500

who can afford to douse strangers with gasoline anymore?

monkeyrotica

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:19:40 -0500

But the chair is not my son.

Wizzyliz

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:04:22 -0500

"...but delegates at the Republican National Convention welcomed the news because the girl has said she will keep the baby." The RNC really needs their head examined.

Kev29

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:00:48 -0500

Welcome to Columbia Heights - enjoy your $900,000 condo, gang wars and $9 beers. Hope you don't get set on fire!

monkeyrotica

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 10:29:29 -0500

Shrewd move on Mccain's part picking a fundamentalist Christian running mate with a knocked-up teenage daughter. If only DC's knocked-up teenager population were registered to vote, that could swing the city to the GOP. Pity all the churchies live in PG County. And too bad they're following the wrong Jesus.

IMGoph

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 10:13:46 -0500

can the person who doused this girl in gasoline get charged with attempted murder? because that sure seems like what they deserve.

monkeyrotica

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 10:04:28 -0500

Since 2006, the District has been under a federal court order to eliminate a backlog of more than 1,000 decisions by hearing officers calling for children to be placed in private schools. Well, there's your answer right there. Just put off actually funding court-ordered private schooling for another two years. Boom! You just saved yourself $15 million. Better yet, put that $15 million surplus into a high-yield investment portfolio, courtesy your most-trusted Nigerian business partner, and your "surplus" will increase three-fold. Do it for the kids. Because I believe the children are our future.

Sommer Mathis

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 09:54:34 -0500

MS, we run a schools column every Tuesday.

MS

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 09:47:33 -0500

Can we get a school reform roundup post? DCist was on top of the issue for so long. Has there not been much news?