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We all know Virginia is hell, and that traffic around Tysons Corner is a nightmare. Well, it looks like it's going to get a little more painful, if celebrity chef and reality TV star Gordon Ramsay has anything to say about it. Don Rockwell confirms that Ramsay's takeover of the old Maestro space at the Ritz Carlton at Tysons is a done deal. Now if only he would name it Junkpuncher's.
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Does anyone know about the armed robbery on 13th NW last night in Columbia Heights? The helicopters
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Unfortunately, Junkpunchers® is a registered trademark of Nordyne Defense Dynamics.
Cap'n Nutsackwhompers Seafood Scow and Tapas Yurt, however, is still available.
I really hope Ramsey tries his trademark hissy fits on a local line cook and the whole kitchen staff takes his ass to Junkpunchers and Nutsackwhompers. I'd definitely TiVo that s**t.
"Tapas Yurt..."
-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
i want a tapas yurt in my yard.
Voice-Over:
I've seen all sorts of "Kitchen Nightmares," but this assignment is my toughest yet. Junkpuncher™, a local coffee-and-sandwich spot, has a BDSM theme, and almost *no* customers...I dropped in to find out why:
Ramsay: Right, I'll have a prawn salad sandwich, and an iced latte.
Barista: A what?
Ramsay: An iced latte.
Barista [punching Ramsay's junk]: NO! That order is WRONG! You DO NOT POUR A LATTE OVER ICE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? DO YOU, WORM?
Voice-over: It isn't hard to see why Junkpunchers is losing almost two thousand a week.
Good luck getting a yurt license in DC. The last yurt boutique got shuttered by the Health Department for absence of a licensed yak milker.
So much for the Steppe-Right-Up Dairy. Now I'm stuck with Reverse Cowgirl Creamery for all my artisinal cheese and porn needs.
Dude, if gordo was smart, he'd diversify into theme-based SM lounges/dungeons. I mean, imagine it, you dress up like some sissy line cook or prep-boy, and walk into a dark kitchen with a lot of burning meat...you pass the deep fried balls and the coq-on-a-spit only to find some dude in black toques with crazy hair tell you that you disgust him. Your food disgusts him. Your face disgusts him. Your fat flabby spineless American arse disgusts him. You call this fucking risotto? And now you're sabotaging him? Risotto, you fat bastard, I said Risotto!! not mouse shit in a fucking pan! And so on.
Why, oh why, didn't Ramsay get a location inside NW?!
(And when I say NW I mean east of 7th street and south of U St).
If he really wanted to be on the cutting edge, if he really wanted to deliver an experience nobody else does, he'd open a restaurant that served decent, unpretentious food that won't cost you a month's rent, served by people who aren't a bunch of holier-than-thou f***sticks who think they're doing you a favor trying to hard-sell the goddamned $60 braised yak colon in a panther sweat coulis. And would you like some dignity with that, GUYS? Oh, you're all WOMEN? I just assumed with the enormous hands and adams apples that you were pre-op transsexuals! Sorry, we're fresh out of the f***ing merlot. But the sommalier recommends a nice chilled bottle of why-are-you-wasting-my-time? It's the '57 Mouton Call the Health Department the Bathroom is an Abomination. Would you care for sparkling or still water with your loud and tedious cellphone conversation? Now, excuse me while I disappear for half an hour while I talk to my agent about why he can't get someone to publish my memoirs, "The Wretched Birth, Appalling Life, and Vile and Degrading Death of a Waiter Who Couldn't Serve Their Way Out of a Pee-soaked Paper Bag."
And how is your meal, GUYS? Dessert? Well we have crème brûlée, a cheese course, or me putting all my friends' drinks on your tab.
* West of 7th St even.
I think Dungeon Gordie actually serves Dom Perignon.
Get it?
Dom.
heheheheh.
If anyone deserves to be the head chef at Uncle Goatse's Prolapse Pub, it's Gordon Ramsay.
Just don't order the veal. Trust me on this.
Mmmmm, I'll start with the Hudson Valley foie gras, with a soupçon of scorn, followed by the diver scallops with extra abuse.