D.C. Will Take Gitmo Detainees...Kind Of

nickles.jpg Ever since President Barack Obama announced that he would shut down the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, law enforcement officials and politicians across the country have been fighting to out-NIMBY each other in refusing to house the 241 detainees that would need to be tried stateside. Virginia officials have been especially adamant about the issue, lining up to oppose sending any of the suspected terrorists to a jail in Alexandria. The issue has even become a point of contention in the coming Democratic gubernatorial primary.

In a recent interview with the Washington Times, though, D.C. Attorney General Peter Nickles stated that the District would accept Guantanamo detainees. Well, kind of. Nickles spends most of the interview complaining about 10 Colombian narcoterrorists housed in the District, claiming that having them here has provoked a number of security-related headaches for the city's Department of Corrections. He also criticizes President Obama for not having a detailed plan for shutting down Guantanamo, but he then goes on to say that the District would take detainees if asked: "If he [Obama] said he'd want us to do it, we'd do it. But I think I'd sit down with [U.S. Attorney General] Eric Holder...and say, 'Now, let me ask you a few questions and see what the answers are here.'"

Admittedly, no one has actually brought up the issue of bringing any Gitmo detainees to the District. After all, given our own longstanding struggles to keep order in the D.C. Jail, we don't think that anyone has any faith that housing sensitive detainees would be feasible idea. It is nice that Nickles didn't automatically jump on the NIMBY bandwagon, though. It's frustrating to see so many anti-Guantanamo pols clam up when asked what should be done with the detainees who would have to be shipped somewhere after the detention center's closing.

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I saw we put them all in Barnaby Woods. Most people don't even know that place exists.

Oh, and I am counting the number of minutes until Mary Cheh jumps on this. She gets to blast Nickles AND play the NIMBY card that is "so Ward 3".

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What does Nickles care? He doesn't even live in DC, right?

He "lives" at the Lansburgh (probably one of their short-term business apartment leases), so I suggest we house Gitmo detainees there. It does have a lovely courtyard.

Actually, D.C. is kinda a genius place to put them. I mean, the terrorists already want to blow us up, right? So really, the increased "risk" is marginal.

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There goes our sweet secret underground CHUD hide-out.

So DC residents are too stupid to own a firearm, yet they're just stupid enough to host terrorists? Gotcha, Pete.

Is there some reason we're not dumping these guys in Guam, Puerto Rico, or a nice atoll in the middle of f**king nowhere?

Also, we got this nice little piece of underutilized land in the middle of San Francisco Bay. A splash of paint and some marble countertops, and you've got next season's breakout reality show, "Pimp My Prison."

Great idea! Guam, Puerto Rico, or maybe Cuba! Wait a minute....

I hear there's an empty apartment in the Lansburgh where we could put some of them. It's cleverly disguised as the abode of one "P. Nickles." It's more of an "undisclosed location" than Dick Cheney's bunkers.

I think this is a non-issue. I think the only facilities these detainees would be sent to would be maximum security facilited which are isolated from major population centers, like the Florence SuperMAXX facility in Colorado. I don't think D.C. Jail meets the criteria.

yes, put them in a new reality show: survivor: gitmo detainees in dc.

Oh I get it....Anacostia.

They wouldn't last a day in Ward 8. And imagine if you're in Bethesda and have to pray toward Mecca on the Metro platform. Those Georgetown Prep thugs will have your wallet in nothing flat.

Some suggestions??

1. Make them all strip to the waist, oil themselves up,
and serve drinks at Jim Graham's next cocktail party
2. Three words: Barry Organ Bank
3. Make them actually LISTEN to Mary Cheh
4. Force them to join a Cleveland Park listserv
5. Make them eat at Ben's Chili Bowl 3x daily

Plenty of room at Nationals Park, and the Federal Government won't stiff the city on rent.

I'm not a lawyer but incarceration at Nationals Park during baseball season would be deemed cruel and unusual punishment.

ill take them. the government can pay me what they spend at Gitmo. I'll get them all those little teddy bear backpacks/children's leashes, quit my job, use my billions to terrorist-proof my apartment, and raise them as my own.

..and I'll help walk them. They get pretty cramped up in their cages and have to be walked at least 3 times a day.
It'll be a win-win situation since I need the excersize too.

great, thanks for the offer. i figure since the government will be giving me billions to keep them, i can afford to pay terrorist-walkers at least $25 per walk, which is quite a bit higher than the going rate for the Adams Morgan area.

So when you walk your terrorist, does he have to wear that big black cone hood? Because that'd be one kickass conversation piece. Much more likely to get you a date than a labradoodle.

no, no hoods. i figure the teddy bear backpack/leash on an adult would be a big enough conversation piece.

This all depends on whether on not we get funds for a Terrorist Park. Malcolm X Park would be a perfect spot for us once we get the funds to build a giant secure steel wall. Then they can run around unleashed and bathe with the CHUDS in the plentiful fountains.

This is the same DC jail where two inmates escaped and were able to board a metro bus before eventually being tracked down (not by DC Corrections of course, but by the Feds) in MD and VA?

I say we put them in the same room as Obama's daughters. He can put his family where his mouth is.

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