Man Stops Traffic at 17th and K to Demand $200 Million
Morning Roundup: Goodbye, Abe Edition
Judge Throws Out WTU Suit Over Teacher Layoffs
Vegetate to Close at the End of the Month
Morning Roundup: Rain Won't Go Away Edition
Good morning, Washington. It's not bound to be a particularly good day when words like "soaking," "relentless rain," "flooding" and "monsoon of Biblical proportions that will drown all but our souls" makes it into every weather forecast. OK, so maybe that last one was made up, but it's what I'm feeling right now after waking up to water coming through the ceiling into my room. Awesome. At least there's no mold. Oh wait, there is. Awesome. Thankfully that one prized framed picture of mine isn't wet. Oh hey, it is. AWESOME. Is it too early for coffee and a drink?
Prison Guards Relieved Over Decision in Inmate Death Case: The Post is reporting that two prison guards at the center of the jail death of inmate Ronnie White last year are relieved with this week's decision by Prince George's County prosecutors not to press charges in the case. Lawyers for the two prison guards claim that neither had any motive or opportunity to kill White, and that the confusion over who found White first was caused by panic.
Virginia Rep. Calls DDOT "Criminal": We're used to being called any number of things by members of Congress, but criminal? That might be a new one. WTOP writes that Rep. Gerry Connolly (D-Va.) is none-too-happy with the impact roadwork on the Chain Bridge and 14th Street Bridge has had on Virginia commuters, accusing the District Department of Transportation of not communicating its plans. "The failure to communicate with a quarter-of-million people, who use these two bridges -- and with your counterpart in Virginia, is almost criminal," he is quoted as saying. District officials have admitted that work on the Chain Bridge started earlier than expected (which, to be fair, should be a pleasant surprise in the world of public works) but that argue VDOT officials were kept in the loop for years on the work being done to the heavily used 14th Street Bridge.
Not Even City Officials Can Figure Out Federal Forms: If you ever feel confused by local or federal government forms, don't fret -- you're not the only one. The Examiner is reporting that D.C. officials have twice screwed up forms required to request stimulus funds from the federal government, threatening $123 million that was set aside for the District Department of Transportation. In related news, the District's road construction fund is facing increasing deficits, meaning that much-needed projects on area roadways and bridges may have to be delayed or set aside.
Briefly Noted: Hallway in Capitol Visitors Center flooded ... Man found dead in Metro bathroom ... Police parking at Judiciary Square gets harder to find.
On This Day in DCist: On this day in 2008, the Post hilariously misspelled the winning word from the National Spelling Bee and the Nissan Pavilion again proved to be the last place crowds should ever want to go. In 2007, we debated whether D.C. would ever get same-sex marriage, questions remained over the suspension of H2O's liquor license and the Dupont Circle Metro station got some poetry.
Picture snapped by axelhonkrod
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Alright, before anyone starts making fun of DC officials for being unable to figure out Federal stimulus forms, let's get this out of the way first. The District Government is not, nor has it ever been, run, administered, or managed by retarded monkeys. Any statement to the contrary is an insult to retarded monkeys and the men who love them.
Like you, I too thought that retarded monkeys ran the local bureaucracy, but that was before I discovered a wonderful group called Helping Hands for Retarded Monkeys®, LLC. HHRM is a non-profit organization dedicated to providing trained helper monkeys for retarded monkeys so they can be contributing members of society. I too used to think that retarded monkeys were to be pitied. The best they could hope for would be a job as a janitor, butler, mortgage-backed securities dealer, greeter at T.G.I. Fridays, or at best a sous chef at Bistrot du Coin. But meet Diderot here. He used to spend all his evenings rolling around in his diaper, eating Cool Ranch Doritos, and playing World of Warcraft. Now, thanks to HHRM, he and his helper Mojo conduct massive stock transactions as well as unit-trust linked assurance schemes with fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities. Small investors were so attracted by the wide-ranging portfolio that in the first week, the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.
So please. Give and give generously to Helping Hands for Retarded Monkeys. I thank you. Eep!
This does put this series of stories about the District Government into perspective. It also helps us see that "retarded monkeys" can be criminal (or "almost criminal"). Monkey, I want to help. Does HHRM accept donations of used cars, sofas, tube socks, or ex-wives?
What about Terrorism? And no matter where I meet my demise WTOP, please don't call me "guy".And what a heart-warming story about the "relieved" guards. This of course allows them to keep quiet about the death, because, of course they know nothing about how Mr. White was able to kill himself.
Yeah, unless his last name was de Maupassant, that's a pretty tacky way to lead an article.
In any case, as with the Ronnie White incident, surely the victim just strangled himself and then hid the rope.
This goes to the most obvious headline I've read in a while. "Prison Guards Relieved Over Decision in Inmate Death Case"
Ya think? You just get away with homicide, of course you are going to relieved.
Geez, I can't think of anything more pithy this dreary AM. Need to stare at the Hooter girl again. I call her Val.
I'd expect the prison guards to be upset and ready to appeal the decision to not press charges. Or maybe that's just in Bizarro PG County (i.e., St. Marys).
The thing I love about Val is, between the orange shorts and the spray-on tan, she's got the sexy Oompah-Loompah look down. She really makes my Wang-doodle, if you know what I mean, and I sincerely hope you don't for your sake.
subhead: "No Reaction From Ronnie White"
..I can't think of anything more pithy this dreary AM. Need to stare at the Hooter girl again. I call her Val.
I'm with you. All mortal existence is folly, but at least we have her ample chest to ease our suffering.
Furthermore, According to AP style I believe the correct headline would be "Dead Guy Found in Metro Bathroom"
There are Metro bathrooms?
Ahem, I better see a picture of DCist Davy in a freakin' row boat by the end of today. Don't be holding out on me like my corner bodega guy with his secret stockpile of milk and toilet paper. I just know he his hiding them under his cash register. It's the freakin' rainapocalypse and I know his CHUD cronies won't be needing no toilet paper.
Well, tomorrow is National Learn to Row Day... And Capital Rowing Club is sponsoring FREE lessons!
I will chalk up the bad edit of this morning roundup to your frustrating morning. But what's worse is the headline to the Metro story on WTOP. "Guy found dead in Metro bathroom" Guy found dead? Are you kidding me? Guy? Really?
Editor: "Hey, some guy at Metro is dead"...Reporter: (shrugs) "sounds like a good enough headline to me."
Anyway to answer your question about drinking and coffee: Irish Coffee. Best of both worlds. Good luck on getting your place back in order.
I'm just relieved to find out it wasn't Buddy Guy.
I'm just thankful that Guy Debord, Guy Lombardo, Guy Caballero, and Guy Fawkes are all safely burning in Hell.
And yet Guy Lafleur still walks among us, an invisible vigilante, like Zorro, marking his victims with a fleur-de-lis.
Was it Guy Smiley? That would make me sad...
Not to mention Guy Richie. If anyone deserves to be found croaked on a crapper, it's the director of "Swept Away." I can think of no more appropriate coup de grâce.
Aw Monkey, go easy on the ex Mr. Madge willya?
The guy did do Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch before Moe-Donna turned his brain to sludge and then sucked it out his ear with a Krazy Straw. Maybe now that she's gone back to whatever hell she comes from, he'll do some good stuff again...
Let's just hope his next film doesn't involve English gangsters talking in cockney rhyming slang so thick you could spread it on crumpets.
Let's all be thankful Guy Smiley is still with us, too.
Indeed. I can't wait until he runs for elected office again.
wait a minute, this is DCist and y'all name all these other Guys and not one mention of Guy Picciotto?! tsk, tsk.
actually, i'm sorry to even mention his name. if something were to actually happen to Mr P., it would be very tragic and sad. my bad.
If this happened in the Montreal metro system would the headline be "Gui Found Dead in Metro Bathroom?"
Or in Rome, ""Guido Found Dead in Metro Bathroom."
Nah, that's Hoboken.
I'm glad NOVA has more Democrats in Congress, but what a sad existence it is to be an elected official from NOVA. Your main issue is traffic. Ugh.
I'll tell you one advantage of being an elected official for Northern Virginia over an elected official for D.C., you get to represent for citizens with representation.
But I guess traffic concerns for constitutuants are uncool.
Being a member of Congress and having constituents is pretty standard for all members of Congress, so I don't really count that as a benefit, per se. DC has local officials who represent the district locally but not, as you astutely point out, in Congress.
Anyways, NoVa is a terrifying maze of sprawl and traffic.
I'm sorry, isn't Gerry Connolly a Congressional representative? The point being, although you find it sad that someone would have to represent NOVA, I find it much sadder to be a delegate to Congress, incapable of truly representing your constituents, even if you have a cooler address... as we're talking bridge connecting these two districts.
And why is DCist taking Connolly's criticisms of the DDOT personally, exactly? Are the department of transportation and DCist somehow linked?
In other news, they found wreckage near the site of the Air France crash that was not part of the Air France plane...did anyone else think "Oceanic 815" when this news broke this morning?? No? Just me? *sigh*
no you're not alone. totally sounds like a JJ Abrams plot.
When the plane first went missing I immediately thought "Oceanic 815." You are not alone. *hug*
Totally, me too. I read one article where the writer was like "How in modern times does an airplane just disappear" (before they found wreckage) and all I could think was ... LOST.
I'm not a big consipiracy theorist, but if all this wreckage turns out not to be from the flight, could we possibly start thinking about alien abduction?
A plane that should not be able to be taken down by lightning. Other pilots in area file report seeing a large flash of light. Electrical malfunction reports for four minutes, but still no plane.
Unrelated, what the hell is the massive oil slick from, if not the plane?
oh god. me, too. from the first "missing" report ALL i could think about was LOST and i felt like a really bad person for it. particularly because one morning i heard an update about it from my radio alarm and i thought/dreamed "just find desmond, he can find them", and then i woke up and felt REALLY stupid.
in other news---this IS pretty freaky if the wreckage isn't from the missing flight. in a real life kind of way but also in a "similar to LOST kind of way".
If God had wanted us to fly, he would have given us wings.
I think it is "If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us upgrades to First Class".
How did no one see this??
"District officials have admitted that work on the Chain Bridge started earlier than expected (which, to be fair, should be a pleasant surprise in the world of pubic works) but..."
Martin, go back to bed...it's not your day.
Wow. Thanks for pointing that one out. Ha.
To be fair to me, the "dead guy" thing is from the WTOP article. I at least called him a "man."
And do you really want me to go back to bed? Me in bed means no Davy DCist. And Davy is pissed today.
nOOOOOOO!!!! Don't go back to bed. I'll make sure Val stops by to drop off some coffee and put you to work.
I think it's not WTOP who should go back to bed. "Guy found dead" has been updated to "Man found dead," but did anyone else notice the caption on the Gerry Connolly story?
The 14th Street Bridge will last two years.
That's the real story here ... what happens to all the commuters in 2011 when the bridge crashes into the Potomac? Or will we all have jet packs by then?
I've been advocating water-powered jetpack transit as an alternative to the 14th Street Bridge ever since they let me out of the psych ward. Yet all it's gotten me is multiple visits from Homeland Security and an increase in my thorazine dosage.
"Lawyers for the two prison guards claim that neither had any motive or opportunity to kill White.."
and
"Lawyers for the two prison guards claim that neither killed White."
See the diference?
Don't forget "the confusion over who found White first was caused by panic."
As in "Oh shit, we just killed a guy! Start to panic!!"
From the article:
"There was no opportunity, no motive, no murder," said attorney George Harper, who represents Davis.
For once Martin, I wasn't dinging you - I was dinging the lawyers!
jebus, no matter how much things change, PG County just never lets go of its redneck heritage...
Is it too early for coffee and a drink?
No need for two separate vessels, Irish that puppy up!
rAmen, brother. Two for one is definitely the way to go this morning. A shame I forgot my flask this morning.
My thoughts exactly.
The dude found dead probably had a huge smile on his face.
I suspect some funky wild CHUD sex shenanigans. CHUD sex is dangerous, fun, and quite addictive. I've got the scars to show it.
...and so does David Carradine...Zinggggggg! What, too soon?