(Universal Pictures)
In my essay praising how D.C. Cab got D.C. right, I talked briefly about how a lot of the periphery narratives in the film are still relevant today. The competing cab companies, D.C. Cab’s problems with city officials, etc. That got me thinking: What if they made a sequel to the film today? What would it be about? Well, Hollywood, I’m about to do you a big favor because I’ve thought a lot about this, and here’s my idea for a proposed D.C. Cab sequel.
Note: This is a work of fiction. To borrow a disclaimer from Law & Order, “The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.”
It’s been 30 years since the events of D.C. Cab and a lot has changed. The city is a different place: Gentrification has turned the city into a hotbed for young professionals —”millennials,” as many like to call them; the drug dealers that once ran the city are no more; a local cupcake shop has its own TV show.
But some things don’t change: At the Florida Avenue Grill, two old friends catch up over a plate of ribs. Samson (Mr. T) and Albert Hockenberry (Adam Baldwin) are in a heated discussion over the latest regulations that D.C. Taxicab Commission chairman Don Clinton is trying to implement. “I mean it’s ridiculous,” Samson says to Albert. “First they make us install credit card readers, and now they’re saying we have to start accepting Bitcoins! I pity the fool who doesn’t carry cash.” Albert agrees: “I’m telling ya, Bitcoins are the worst! It nearly put my truck out of business when the Council approved that bill requiring food trucks to accept them.” In the years since D.C. Cab, Albert went on to marry Claudette and the two eventually took over ownership of Florida Avenue Grill, even starting a food truck for the restaurant when those became popular. Samson has since taken over the D.C. Cab company and has turned it into one of the most respected companies in the city.
But times are hard: New regulations from the DCTC are added almost every month, making it harder and harder for cabbies in D.C. to make a living. Ever since Uber—the app-based car-hailing service—popped up in the city, cabs can’t compete with Uber’s services. To make matters worse, after the DCTC failed to pass regulations to put Uber out of business, they’ve since put all of their energy into trying to make D.C. cabs better and more competitive by passing new, ridiculous regulations. (Drivers must provide validation about how D.C. is a cool city every six blocks! They must stay at least 100 feet away from all bike lanes! A suburb surcharge!) The result? Many cab companies have gone out of business, and this latest Bitcoin regulation has put Samson and D.C. Cab on the brink of bankruptcy.
Meanwhile, the Florida Avenue Grill Truck isn’t doing so hot either. Turns out, people aren’t interested in delicious, homemade soul food. Anything that isn’t a “tapas” or has José Andrés’ name slapped on it is pretty much doomed to fail in D.C. these days. But Samson and Albert hatch a plan that will save both their businesses and skirt the ever-tightening grip of both the DCTC and the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs: Team up to create the city’s first Food Truck Taxicab Service. It doesn’t take long for their new venture, D.C. Food-Cab to take off. I mean, who wouldn’t want some Southern pan-fried chicken to chow down on while they’re stuck in rush hour traffic on K Street?
Pretty quickly, D.C. Food-Taxi has become the talk of the town: Washington City Paper readers and editors name it both the Best Food Truck and Best New Business of 2014. A lengthy profile of Samson and Albert by the Washington Post garners a Pulitzer Prize. DCist highlights them and only them on their “Best Food Truck Taxis In D.C.” article, and every commenter unanimously and enthusiastically agrees. Things are looking up for Samson and Albert, and that is seriously pissing off the DCTC and the DCRA. Because their business operates as both a food truck and a taxicab service, it somehow skirts being controlled by either organization. As such, D.C. Food-Cab is sucking both Uber and the other food trucks dry, and they conspire to come up with new regulations to put them out of business.
Meanwhile, Bao Bao—the National Zoo’s famed panda cub—is a week away from celebrating her first birthday, and all eyes are on the city. For some reason, it’s the biggest news story in the country, and the media is losing their shit trying to get round-the-clock coverage of Bao Bao’s mega birthday bash, which is going to be even bigger than the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. But a week before the party is to take place, the unspeakable happens: As Albert drops a fare off at the National Zoo, a pair of goons have just kidnapped Bao Bao and jump in his cab-truck, taking him hostage and forcing him to drive them to their secret hideout somewhere near Dulles Airport, that somehow is still rural farmland.
Unfortunately, the only witnesses misinterpret the situation and think Albert is the getaway driver. Pretty soon, Albert’s face is plastered everywhere as the kidnapper of Bao Bao and a manhunt is underway to catch him. As a result, the DCTC and the DCRA seize the opportunity and D.C. Food-Cab is shut down. But Samson knows better—he’s been in this situation before. When all seems hopeless, Samson gathers D.C. Food-Cabs ragtag bunch of cabbie-chefs in front of the Lincoln Memorial (again), and gives them the ultimate rah-rah speech to get them to go find and rescue Albert.
Sure enough, they locate him and his captors tied up at a farmhouse in the weirdly underdeveloped rural area somewhere near Dulles. The team hatches a harebrained scheme involving pretending to be cupcake delivery men or something (because everyone loves cupcakes) and successfully rescue Albert and Bao Bao, just in time for the big birthday bash.
Albert, Samson, and the D.C. Food-Cab crew are declared heroes and given a key to the city by Mayor Kojo Nnamdi (yeah, he’s mayor in this movie because that would be awesome), Beyoncé, and President Barack Obama. Afterwords, the DCTC, Uber, and the DCRA all agree to stop fighting and trying to put D.C. Food-Cab out of business and come up with regulations that make everyone happy, somehow. It takes a tragedy like the kidnapping of D.C.’s most beloved panda to bring everyone together.
The End.
