Photo by Committee for the 2014 Papal Visit to Korea via Getty Images.

Realistically speaking, you’re probably not going to see the pope. But you will almost certainly be affected by the mayhem on the roads and an even more chaotic Metro system than usual. You could certainly still honor the occassion by volunteering with an underserved community—or, uh, by taking advantage of one of the many pontiff-themed specials and events on offer. Because nothing says devotion to a man who has decried the “idolatry of money” like buying things with his face on it.

Pope Beer: What screams holy visit more than cheap(er) alcohol? Religious-themed brews—from Sweet Baby Jesus all the way on up to Big Bad Baptist—and Trappist ales are on special at the Brookland Pint this week.

Pope Rooftop Party: Alternatively: pay $25 to stand around a fancy pool while picking at appetizers and drinking a glass of Malbec. Get your fill of cheese, empanadas, and dulce de leche—notice a theme?—to the tunes of a live DJ at the Embassy Row Hotel (yes, the one and only) tomorrow night. To be fair, though, the proceeds go to So Others Might Eat (S.O.M.E).

Pope stuff (Via the Shops of the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception.)

Pope Mugs: Remember these days fondly with your morning cup of joe Frank (so sorry). Find official pope mugs, pope cologne, pope shirts, pope medallions, pope calendars, a 6.75-inch popemobile that “plays the Hallelujah chorus from Handel’s Messiah as Pope Francis spins,” and other pope things at the shops of the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception—both in store and online!

Pope Tasting Menu: While the Il Papa is busy serving lunch to homeless men and women, you can be enjoying a $29.99 three-course tasting menu at Posto. The “Menu di Francesco” can be upgraded with a $25 wine pairing.

Pope Pizza: Pose with a life-size cutout of Pope Francis before paying homage to him by eating a Vatican-flag themed pizza. The thin-crust pie, featuring golden tomatoes atop mozzarella and ricotta, will set you back $15 at Ella’s.

The pope sandwich. Via Facebook.

Pope Sandwich: D.C.’s classiest bar is offering a chimichurri chicken sandwich served with holy land relish. Rumors is donating half the proceeds from the $10 sandwich to the Santa Maria food program at Catholic Charities.

Pope Punch Card: Buy six hoagies from the fall lineup at Taylor Gourmet on Wednesday, get a cookie. And you know, the pope is coming, so let’s call it communion. From the release: “In honor of the Pope’s visit to DC we are offering “Hoagie Communion” with purchase of any of the 6 new fall hoagies. Communion will be given in the form of 1 freshly baked cookie. Confession is also available from 2-5pm at each register.”

Pope URL: If you’ve never had a reason to visit the city government’s website, perhaps pope.dc.gov will lure you. Find information on road closures, the pope’s schedule, and a list of prohibited items.

(Courtesy of WMATA.)

Pope SmarTrip: You probably shouldn’t leave your house during the visit, much less take Metro. But if you do, you can have the pope’s smiling visage staring back every time you pull out your SmarTrip. Starting today, all new cards sold at the five Metro sales offices will come with their own protective pope sleeve (until supplies last).

Pope Shake: While the three Potbelly stores in Philly took the time to hold a vote on an official papal shake (the winner: vanilla ice cream and shortbread butter cookies), the Potbelly by Catholic University struck out on their own. It is the only Potbelly in D.C. officially offering a papal milkshake. Fifty cents from the $3.90 strawberry and Oreo concotion goes to Catholic University’s Service Ministry for service trips.

Popemojis: A real thing that you can have on your phone.

Pope Day Drinking: Because half the city will be “working from home,” Wonderland offers the chance to celebrate the pope’s visit early. They write: “With his Holiness gracing the streets of DC, Wonderland will celebrate by opening at 12 noon Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday this week.”

Please send photos of all ridiculous pope souvenirs, food with the pope’s face on it, and other pope-themed absurdities that you spot to tips@dcist.com.