Looks like you’ve all survived your October surprises, more or less. That doesn’t mean that November in D.C. is going to be any better. So sit back and learn about what the stars have in store.

Photo by Jon Cook.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): It’s your birthday month, and your nose will be stuck on the grindstone, which is just where you like it. If you’re expecting the marching bands that preceded the REI flagship opening to herald your accomplishments, though, think again. Do it for the love of the grindstone or do something else. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): The great rom com of life has many speaking parts. The question you need to start asking yourself is whether you’re the determined-yet-clumsy ingenue, or the asshole who prompts someone else’s montage. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Beware! The holidays are coming early for you this year, and they plan to affix themselves like the facehugger in Alien, only twinklier and with more eggnog. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): Virtual reality is a very tempting place to spend your time—you can head into the jungle sans mosquitos, or the Arctic minus the freeze. Just warning you, though, you’re totally gonna get lost in it. This is not a metaphor. You will literally lose your baring in the digital swamps. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Ah yes, the fish. After spending much of late last month having your raw self chopped into tiny pieces for the edification of others, you might expect your luck to change for the better. You’d be wrong. (Except, of course, one special Pisces. Dad—the stars assure me will have another splendid November. Can’t wait to see you at Thanksgiving!) Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You’re headstrong about wanting the best, and lordy knows you think you deserve it. Rather than trying to bump your status by going to the newly-starred Michelin eateries, forgo the lines and venture into the unknown/underrated. What if it’s … better? Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Last month, the bullish part of yourself that you felt most acutely was your horned up head. And while those smooth horns curve with unrivaled elegance, this is when you remember that they’ve also got a sharp-ass tip that’s perfect for goring anyone who gets in your way. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Can something both be sacred and sold in the holiday aisle at CVS? You have no problem believing yourself capable of dualities, yet somehow you’re constantly in the comments section of existence railing on other people for the same. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): You’ve been waiting for a message—a text, a DM, maybe even a sign from the Supreme Being. Here’s the message: if you haven’t gotten it yet, it ain’t coming. Probably time to take a cue from Chipotle and give it up. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Your penchant for the dramatic will get grating when you whine about getting sick, despite never getting a flu shot or thoroughly washing your hands. Use soap. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Everyone knows that your secret sauce is actually just ketchup and mayo, because every single secret sauce is a variation on Russian dressing. Don’t worry, it’s still delicious … just not very secret. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Your people-pleasing ways can only go so far when you’re confronted with a “reality check” that puts Metro’s new budget proposal to shame. Are you seeing someone right now? If so, reconsider.