The speeches have been ghostwritten; the nuclear codes have been shared; Barack Obama has cleared out his desk and taken one last stroll around the White House; and unkempt bikers have gotten their balls back. That can only mean one thing: it’s Kellyanne Conway’s birthday! Oh, and also it’s time for Donald Trump’s inauguration as 45th president of the United States. Watch the livestream here, and we’ll keep updating below with all the important moments, from the oath of office to the ceremonial goat sacrifices.

Folks, what a turnout we have this morning! Truly an incredible assemblage of Americans from across these 50 states. People are chomping at the bit to get the best seats in the house to witness this historic event—but guess what, every seat is the best seat in the house when Donald Trump is the sight you are seeing!!!!

The liberal media can’t make up lies when the truth is staring them hard in the face.

Hat sales are through the roof.

Real Americans FTW!!

CNN reported this morning that Trump “was emotional. Can see it hitting him.” It’s true—losing the use of his beloved Android phone was not something he was prepared for (some other things he isn’t prepared for: becoming president, sending out thank you cards to the dozens of people in attendance). Going cold turkey from Twitter is really hard! How will all the haters and losers know he’s thinking of them on this special occasion?!

But let’s get back to the story of the day, why we’re all here: what is Kellyanne wearing? Who is Kellyanne wearing? Is this from the Benedict Arnold collection? Truly, she has captured the imagination of a nation.

How is Michelle Obama holding up today?

That good?

Barron is there, Tiffany is in the house, the Clintons have arrived for some reason, but what is Jon Voight up to?

According to ABC commentators, this is what sadness looks like:

What time is it? It’s Remnick time. Pause from this tremendous display for some hard truths from our favorite New Yorker editor:

Since Election Day, Trump has managed to squander good faith and guarded hope with flagrant displays of self-indulgent tweeting, chaotic administration, willful ignorance, and ethical sludge. Setting the tone for his Presidency, he refused, or was unable, to transcend the willful ugliness of his campaign. He goes on continuing to conceal his taxes, the summary of his professional life; he refuses to isolate himself from his businesses in a way that satisfies any known ethical standard; he rants on social media about every seeming offense that catches his eye; he sets off gratuitous diplomatic brushfires everywhere from Beijing to Berlin. (Everywhere, that is, except Moscow.)

That feels good. Now back to the madness. How are those crowds filling out?

Pause for Twitter poll.

WTF kinda handshake is this.

Outside of Kellyanne’s revolutionary wear and Michelle Obama’s terrified face, this inauguration ceremony has been pretty dry so far. And that’s why the color commentators have been focused on the Trump children for the last 15 minutes or so. Look at how cute they are!

How’s that crowd filling out?

Oh god, this is really real, isn’t it.

This music is too much man. We are riding an escalator to hell on the wings of “faith” tunes.

What could have been.

This man looks very excited about becoming president. Is he bored, or having a moment of terror before what’s to come?

Big news! Here’s the brand new poster for Evil Dead 4: Hell-thcare On Earth.

This may be a more appropriate soundtrack to this occasion.

Just a reminder that everything is still terrible.

And there it is. The money shot. Our new president.

It is speaking now (in full sentences!). “We are not merely transferring power from one administration to another,” it says. “We are transferring power from Washington DC and giving it back to you, the people.”

“From this day forward, it will only be America First, America First,” it continues. For what it’s worth, “American Carnage” will make for a great title of the inevitable book/movie about the fall of the nation.

“I will fight for you with every breath,” it says as it sniffs the cold wet air. “I will never, ever let you down… America will start winning again, winning like never before. We will bring back our jobs, we will bring back our borders, we will bring back our wealth, and we will bring back our dreams.” If he is pitching us on a sequel to Inception, he’s got our attention.

“When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice,” said the thing that called Mexicans rapists and criminals during his campaign.

This speech has gone full-supervillain—WE ARE ALL MADE OF BLOOD, THE WORLD WILL BLEED WITH US, ALL SPACE IS AMERICA, MAKE STRONG US AGAIN, SUCH WEALTH, TRUMP SO PROUD, TRUMP LOVE AMERICAN BLOOD.

You can read the full speech here, if you’re feeling particularly masochistic today.

And thus concludes AMERICAN CARNAGE 2017.