Can you believe we’re more than a quarter done with 2017? If you’ve been following the advice proffered in these horoscopes to a “T,” then you’ve probably had a mediocre-at-best time of it so far. But this month might be better! Maybe. No promises. I’m no expert.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Think very, very carefully before you agree to be in your friend’s hip hop-inspired commercial. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You’re going to have a tough time taking a much-needed respite from current events this month. These days, even giant, inflatable chickens come with a political message. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): When mocking people for their lame selfies (a totally valid, DCist-approved pastime, by the way), you’re going to stick your foot in your mouth. It’s okay, you can keep it there for a bit. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Remember how everyone told you that you were a drunk who would never accomplish anything? Well, who’s laughing now that you’re a drunk who, by virtue of drinking, may have accomplished something? And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): This is the year you’re going to get audited. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): If you run, and run, and keep running, you may be handsomely rewarded for your efforts with the chance to run even more. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): You know that moment when all of your wildest dreams come true, and then you realize that what you actually wanted was so much more than what you got? Yep, that’ll be you this month. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Your brain is telling you it’s real, but is it? And more importantly, does it matter? And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Are you wearing mismatched shoes or otherwise donning something out-of-style. Now, instead of admitting that you forgot to look in the mirror, you can just say you’re celebrating Bama Day. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): Not sure how to get something done? Don’t worry! That’s what consultants are for. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Be careful about telling capitalism to go “F” itself. Capitalism has feelings too, you know. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Even as the buzz begins to die down, you still won’t score Kusama tickets. The exhibit will pack up and leave without your ever stepping foot in an infinity room. And no, you definitely shouldn’t be concerned about all of this record-setting heat. Take a load off. Don’t worry so much.