As that first autumn chill hits the air, you may wonder about the cosmic wisdom floating along on the breeze. To be honest, you’ve got a better chance of catching it in the wind than you do in this column, which remains, as ever, more interested in revenge than expert star divination. Now that we’ve gotten the necessary disclaimers out of the way, it’s time to sit back and see what September will bring for you.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Call this rule Chekhov’s Cup: if you’ve got a goblet filled with urine in your hands, chances are you will throw it at someone else by the end of September. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): As insecure sailors often say, it’s not the size of the boat that’s important—it’s the motion in the ocean. Similarly, D.C. residents frustrated about their lack of representation on Capitol Hill should take heart that it’s not about the floor vote (which we don’t freaking have), but it’s about the work you do before something gets to the floor. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): It’s okay to shed your shtick, even if it’s what made you famous. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): You haven’t been pulling your weight recently, but don’t dwell on it. Just do better. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Stop letting the gory violence and carnival-themed camp distract you from the morality underlying it all. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): This September, the entire world is your “heavenly highway,” a God-dappled road that doubles as a flood escape route. You know, just in case the Lord forgets about that whole covenant thing. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): No one can tell quite yet if you’re pregnant, but you’re acting really moody, so your keepers are going to close you off from the public for a bit. Don’t take it personally—it’s for your own good. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Before you proclaim yourself the King of Kings, remember that time is a sink hole that will eat even your mightiest creations. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): How’s that fantasy land treating you? ‘Cuz back here on Earth 1, it smells like rotting fish, garbage, and boiled cabbage. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Sometimes the truth of the present is actually stranger than our visions of a future dystopia. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): You will stumble on something that strikes a cord, this September and you’ll have to choose whether you want to turn what you figured would be a one-time deal into an ongoing passion project. If you decide to commit, you might even get a funky nickname out of the whole deal. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Stop taking it personally when you hear people talking about screaming hairy armadillos. Not everything is about you, drama queen. It can feel slightly icky to take pleasure in another person’s pain, but this month I grant you an exception.