Here’s an exclusive look at what future Metro cars could look like. (Photo by Andrew Schultz on Unsplash)

Dear Metro General Manager Paul Wiedefeld,

Thank you for your kind words about younger riders at last week’s Metro Board meeting. As millennials lead the way in terms of Metro’s ridership decline, you seem to have a good handle on what would bring us back to the transportation system.

You said that we wanted the commutes and stations to be an experience, much like shopping at Whole Foods is. “You can get groceries anywhere, but the Whole Foods experience is different than someplace else,” you said. “Why do they do it? Because there’s a market for it and it drives revenue. So we have to come at transit that way. Places all over the world have tried it and we have to recognize that … and not just do it the way we’ve been doing it.”

Correct, Paul. We don’t want more reliable service or shorter headways. Your ideas about outfitting Metro stations with goodies like phone charging stations and DVD rental boxes are on the right track, but don’t go far enough. Here is a list of our demands:

• Hand-lettered SmarTrip cards
• Artisanal charcuterie samples in stations, including options for vegans and vegetarians beyond cornichons
• Neon-lettered signs with quotes like “No Bad Vibes Allowed—If You See Something, Say Something”
• Metro trains with shiplap siding
• Hot yoga in every third Metro car, and not just incidentally at rush hour
• Dockless scooters at transfer stations
• Powerpoint presentations that link mid-century philosophers to esoteric pop culture references playing on those screens in the cars
• Compliment sandwiches for delay announcements
• Edison bulbs. We always want edison bulbs
• Tattoo booths
• Succulents
• Metro seats made of old books
• Selfie-booth elevators (these do not need to work to transport people from one level to another, they just need to have service so we can post our photos)
• A radio station for each station, and turntables in each car

Again, don’t worry about the fundamental service proposition, in which WMATA dependably transports people across the city and broader region. That’d be silly, and you seem to already know this. “It would be crazy for this authority to simply run more trains in off-peak times chasing additional passengers,” board member Steve McMillin said last week. (Send our regards to Steve!)

Keep paying no heed to those planning experts and advocates calling for increased service. Hell, ignore your own internal “ridership action plan,” which The Washington Post reported would involve all-day peak service, an extension of the Yellow Line, and revising the buses, for starters.

The real experience isn’t about getting to where we’re going, it’s all about the rides we savored along the way.

Youthfully yours,
Younger Riders