We need to have a talk, NBC. Because if you're going to continue to print stories like this, we're going to have to crack jokes in response to every single part of it.
Those Clowns in Congress Did It Again, What A Bunch of Clowns
Just the Cost of the War on C.H.U.D., I Suppose
What was that "suspicious device" which shut down several blocks of Pennsylvania Avenue and placed the District's city hall under lockdown this morning?
Capitol Police Shut Down Pa. Ave. For Package Investigation
This morning, the U.S. Capitol Police shut down several roads around the Capitol, including three blocks of Pennsylvania Avenue, after discovering a suspicious package.
The Onion's Jokes About Gunfire in Capitol Fall Flat in D.C.
This morning, many Washingtonians were pretty surprised to get some big, breaking news from The Onion's Twitter feed.
D.C. Roads To Close For Obama Speech Tonight
President Barack Obama will be delivering an address on jobs to a joint (well, almost) session of Congress. And you know what that means for us locals -- road closures!
House of Representatives: Now With A Convenient Women's Restroom!
There are 76 female representatives in the United States House of Representatives. And now they won't have to truck all the way through the chamber, Statuary Hall and a reading room to use the washroom.
State of the Union Metrobus Detours Announced
Earlier this morning, we filled you in regarding the road closures near the Capitol during this evening's State of the Union, but noted that Metro had yet to announce the details on bus detours for the routes that wind around the area. The transit agency released those updates late this morning -- check the PDF below for specific detours on the 32, 34, 36 and 96 routes.
Man Apprehended Outside Capitol This Morning
So what exactly caused the U.S. Capitol to be locked down this morning? U.S. Capitol Police apprehended an unidentified man who was brandishing a gun at the intersection of First Street and Constitution Avenue NE, which is near the Senate side of the Capitol's offices.
House Bill Would Reduce D.C. Back To One Entry In Statuary Hall
And now we turn back to the most important issue in these trying times: just when in the hell is the District going to be getting its spots in Statuary Hall?
Just Hangin' Out At The Capitol
The Capitol is often the nation's forum of political and legislative talk, but with the Congress out from town to focus on election campaigns until the lame duck session beginning on November 15, the focus has turned to the building itself. The Capitol is getting some upkeep taken care of while the legislation's out -- artwork on the interior of the building is getting cleaned, and the picturesque exterior is getting a fresh coat of paint, a project which the Architect of the Capitol has been working on since June. The last time the dome got a fresh coat of paint was in 2002 and the painting is scheduled to be completed in November. DCist Flickr pool contributor sjshoreman caught these cool images of workers dangling from the side of the Capitol dome, certainly an sight you don't see every day. I wonder what the view's like up there.
Capitol Dome Painting Begins Monday
So says WTOP, who notes that the job will require about 500 gallons of "Dome White" paint. The scaffolding which will be erected around the dome to facilitate the painting -- scheduled to be completed in November -- certainly won't be up for as long as the unique structure that blanketed the Washington Monument for what seemed like an interminable amount of time in the late 90s. Perhaps we should just consider ourselves fortunate that, unlike the state of Colorado, the U.S. can finance its Capitol building's upkeep without having to consider sullying the structure with advertisements.
Sledder Of The House
Last weekend, we were quick to declare 13th Street as the newest sledding hotspot in town. Well, with roads (albeit quite sluggishly) getting back to handling cars instead of humans, it's not really an option this weekend. Where, oh where will the poor tobogganers go? How 'bout the lawn of the Capitol? Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT) petitioned for a special waiver to allow residents to take a turn on the normally restricted space, according to The Hill Is Home. The area has been closed off to the public since security increased after September 11, but has an illustrious history as one of the best places in D.C. to take a spin on your favorite piece of metal and wood.
Click Click: March for Life
Evidently the right-to-life or anti-choice movement is made up of cute young people and cranky-looking old men. Oh, and toddlers. Toddlers are not pleased. Shown below are just a couple of the toddlers who descended on the District yesterday, marching to the Capitol with slogan-bearing signs and parental units in tow.
False Alarm on Capitol Hill
WTOP was the first to take to Twitter with the news that the Capitol was put on lockdown following a report of a man carrying a gun on a bus heading down Independence Avenue. WTOP was also the first to report that the news was a false alarm and that the man on the bus was a Metropolitan Police Department officer.
Has the Capitol Visit Lost Its Utter Mendacity Charm?
In today's Roll Call, reporter Emily Yehle observes the first anniversary of the Capitol Visitor Center, the 580,000-square-foot foyer to the legislative branch of the United States of America. Opened a year ago to the tune of $621 million, the Capitol expansion has quietly changed the way that visitors interact with the Congress -- transforming it in a way that would prompt even a heartless Hill suit to reflect on what a shame it is.
Look Up: What's in the Sky This Week?
Twice a year, as the vernal and autumnal equinoxes come upon us, nightwatchers in the D.C. area get a special treat when the full Moon's orbit brings it up behind the Capitol building, in line with the Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, and Iwo Jima Memorial. Usually this occasion occurs in concert with the Harvest Moon, the name of the full Moon that occurs closest to the autumnal equinox, which happens on September 22 this year; however, this time around, the closest full Moon actually occurs after the equinox. Nevertheless, it's September's Moon that gives us the spectacular line up, so this year our photographers met up near the Washington Monument last night to view the Corn Moon rise behind the Capitol. Check out the gallery above for their spectacular shots. Although the official full Moon was Friday, you should still get a pretty great view tonight, -- you might consider the Mall if you were looking for a romantic moon-lit walk with your partner.
Suspicious Package Near Capitol
We're hearing that a HazMat crew has been called in to respond to a suspicious package at 3rd Street and Pennsylvania Ave. NW. Fire department vehicles are also on the scene. Will update when we know more. UPDATE 5:38 p.m.: The Associated Press is now reporting that streets in the area reopened earlier this afternoon. The "suspicious package" was apparently a lighting component that fell from a lamppost. Pennsylvania Avenue between 1st and 3rd Streets NW, and 1st Street between Independence and Constitution Avenues were closed from about noon until after 1 p.m.
Inauguration Ticket Pick-Up Chaos
WJLA reports on the long lines today on Capitol Hill, as people went down to House and Senate offices to pick up their tickets to the Swearing-In ceremony—the tickets each member of Congress had for constituents were barred from being distributed until today. Most people the local news channel spoke to took the crowds, and the wait, in stride, but one tipster told us it all resulted in a big mess at Capitol South Metro station. "Absolute madness," wrote Matthew Savener in an email to tips(at)dcist.com at around 1:15 p.m. "Pile-up at turnstiles got so bad -- approaching dangerous -- that they just opened the gates and let everyone through. Not sure how the fare works on that. The HOBs are swamped. Lines EVERYWHERE on every street. If ticket-holders aren't here yet they are prob screwed."
Library of Congress Opening Anew Saturday
To return The Library of Congress to its 19th century glory, Congress appropriated funds to restore and renovate the Thomas Jefferson Building starting in 1985.

