Damn. We hate to see our loveable, talented, ex-Dismemberment Plan lead singer and all-around local favorite Travis Morrison get smacked upside the head, but we can’t help but laugh ruefully at this Pitchforkmedia review of his debut solo album, Travistan, which receives the stellar rating of ZERO. 0.0. Nothing. Nada. The review includes such gems as: “[This is] one of the most colossal trainwrecks in indie rock history”; “I’ve never heard a record more angry, frustrated, and even defensive about its own weaknesses, or more determined to slug those flaws right down your throat”; and “Morrison seems dead set on sabotaging the music’s few positive attributes with fatal dorkisms and a surprisingly dad-like sense of humor.”

Of course, there are differing opinions. Amazon’s review of the album calls it a “political, dark, and booty shaking release” with lyrics that “are on par with Lou Reed, digging deeper to contemplate personal and metaphorical melancholy and uncertainty that pulse under this country’s current anger and distrust.” We’re not sure how a song containing the climax of “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth/ My two front teeth/ My two front teeth!” or a ditty about a killer whale who fantasizes about ripping his trainer to shreds reveal a metaphorical melancholy, but hey, what do we know?

We’re not sure if the folks at Pitchfork are just bitter, hate-filled writers who wish they were musicians or if the album really does stink that bad, but we’ll probably, you know, listen to Travistan first before completely deciding if Mr. Morrison has gone off the musical deep end. And when we do, DCist readers will be the first to hear our valuable, totally informed and objective opinion! (If we’re not blinded by our desire to constantly go out and stalk Morrison around town first.)