Dear Vapiano Head Honchos,

I’ve been working as a tray here for a few weeks now. It’s a great gig. I could have ended up doing the whole wet, smelly cafeteria tray thing. Here hot girls pick me up and press me against their bodies while they wait for food. Unfortunately, the whole experience isn’t as good for them as it is for me, so I’m writing to bring some issues to your attention.

Honestly, I don’t know why a German chain is selling Italian food in the U.S. Coming from a country known for its efficiency, the restaurant isn’t running that way. At around noon, even when each queue only has three people, they stand in line 15-20 minutes to get pasta. Maybe you just need to adapt to the American way; the folks here in Downtown usually want to get in and out. And they don’t want to stand waiting. Perhaps you could have customers order and give them numbers, table tents, or maybe one of those fancy vibrating pagers that they have at the pizza line.