My sister, after spending over a decade away from the Washington area, recently moved back to attend graduate school. As she had been away a good long time, and was only in her early teens when our family decamped for Orlando, Florida (a move we all regretted, trust me), she thought it wise to take the time to refamiliarize herself with the area. And, being a child of an employee of the American Automobile Association (hence the move to Florida), she was well versed in the lore of guidebooks and TripTiks. So she went out and purchased several.

One of the things she bought was a pocket-sized guide to Washington from a publisher named Inside Out. As a package, Inside Out’s D.C. guide, revised in 2005, is pretty good. It has maps that unfold and enlarge like origami butterflies, a decent — if not exhaustive — run down on area attractions, a compass for those moments when you forget how to count or spell, and even a pen with a tiny light…you know, for those times when it’s better to light one tiny penlight than curse the darkness. In short, it’s a nice and inoffensive little guide. Until you get to the last page.

Unfortunately, that’s where the good people at Inside Out attempt to lay out an essential glossary of D.C.-centric terminology, and, my oh my, are they ever out of their depths. The effort ranges from the adorably parochial to the hopelessly stupid, and throughout, it is hilarious. So much so that the best thing one could possibly do, is quote the whole thing at length, which we’ll do after the jump. I promise you, I am making none of this up.