All the prostitutes, drug dealers, users, thieves, and the like can look up from their filth to me and shout, “Save us from the snowpocalypse!” And I’ll look down and whisper, “No.”

Someone has to save the world—but it won’t be DDOT. Now that a snow emergency has been declared and the Capital Weather Gang has ruled that between 4 and 8 inches of sky is going to fall, you’ll need to move your car if you’ve parked along a designated snow-emergency route. Even in the face of Armageddon, DDOT will not be deterred from handing out $250 fines. Hurm. See the snow emergency towing policy or look for the dread red sign.

For its part, Metro is equipping up to 20 Metro trains with de-icing equipment that will keep the third rail free of ice. Metro is boasting details of its snow-preparedness scheme: 2,200 tons of rock salt for the rails, 18,000 50-lb. bags of rock salt for the sidewalks and platform, and hundreds of “snow-trained employees.” (Who wrote this press release, The Comedian? God help us, but Metro seems to be enjoying the prospect of the end of D.C.)

What good is talk of parking cars and salting rail in the face of the threat of thundersnow? I’m serious—thundersnow. We may see it by 8 p.m. tonight. It just destroyed Atlanta and it’s coming this way. Thundersnow, in March, in America, in the 21st century. Why won’t our weathermen tell us what thundersnow means for Mid-Atlantic civilization? God help us.

Image by randomduck