Photo by staceyviera.

What’s up, people? It’s time, once again, to venture down comment lane and check out the best and brightest from our post-jump adventures from this past week.

Of course, the big talk this week revolved around the bill recognizing same-sex marriage in the District, which passed through the City Council. Later in the week, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Congress shouldn’t intervene with the new law. All of you (and Jon Stewart, natch) had plenty to say about it — especially Stanton Park, who delivered this delectably dry exposition on the “sanctity of marriage” in our Comment of the Week:

1. “Sanctity” means holiness, saintliness, or godliness. Being married threfore gets one closer to God. Getting married more gets one even closer still.

Some, like Barry, do it serially. Others do it concurrently (polygamy). The more one gets married, the closer one gets to God. Barry has been married four times, which puts him closer to God than David Catania (0 marriages) and Jim Graham (1 marriage), but further than Elizabeth Taylor (8 marriages; both Richard Burtons count) and way behind Calamity Jane (12 marriages). This is why God-fearing Republicans that love their country divorce so often – so they can marry again. Atheistic Democrats mate for life and will never get close to God.

2. Since gays cannot marry, they cannot get closer to God, therefore they get pushed further away from God. Letting gays marry will allow them to be closer to God, possibly crowding out the straights.

Unless they marry someone of the opposite gender like Jim Graham, which just confuses the issue. Much like the sperm that races all the others to be the first to the egg, every other person around you is a competitor. You need to take every advantage lest the pearly gates close and the “No Vacancy” sign is put out right in front of you.

3. And even here on Earth, allowing gays to marry will impoverish straights ultimately leading to their extinction.

Straight weddings are expensive because straight girls insist on lavish weddings. More marriages overall also increase the total cost of all weddings as demand exceeds supply of hotel banquet rooms. Wealthy gay guys put particular pressure on high-end venues, pushing prices up. (Lesbians are too poor to matter.) Having to fund a larger number of increasingly expensive weddings will put the straights in a state of permanent decline. In a few generations, they will probably die out.

After the jump, there’s Obamamania, finding the fun in water main breaks, and your usual awards.