Professional statisticians crunch the numbers to discover what anyone watching the game tonight already knows: the Nationals have absolutely no chance of making it into the playoffs. Chris Needham gets the No-Prize for the NBC Washington story on the basement-dwelling Nats, who join the Baltimore Orioles, the Pittsburgh Pirates, and three other teems who’ve fallen all the way to the no-way, no-how bin.

It’s a legitimate downer. But this story isn’t nearly as depressing as another weekend piece, from the Washington Business Journal. It’s a briefer on “working the room,” that is, mastering the art of wholly vacuous business conversation. Specifically, the article provides tips on how to exit strategically from conversations that don’t seem to be leading up to a raise or insider-trading revelation or indecent proposal. For example: “I want to ask the speaker/President/Board Member a question. Want to come along?”

What about walking away from conversations that are keeping you from looking forward to the Nationals’ number-one draft pick next season? DCist has adapted some tips for talking to depressed Nats fans. These might be helpful to the Cubbies fans heading to the ballpark tonight:

“I want to ask the vendor a question: ‘May I have a beer.’ Want to come along?”

“Jim, I want to take you over and introduce you to Manny Acta. He is also looking for a new job.”

“This is Austin Kearns. You take him.”

It’s easy when you try!