Perhaps you have not heard today’s top story: The District of Columbia was destroyed by snow yesterday. Some things you might like to do — like leaving, for example — are no longer in the cards. Here’s a short list of things you won’t be doing today:

» Fly home. You maybe stand a chance of taking a flight from Dulles, but all flights from National and Baltimore have been grounded.

» Take Amtrak. Dr. Gridlock says that many escape routes along the Eastern Seaboard have been canceled. Call Amtrak to find out whether you’re stuck here.

» Take the Metro. Not to above-ground stations, anyway — those remain closed today. All Metro trains servicing underground stations are running on a half-hour schedule. The WMATA trip planner does not account for snowpocalypses, so you’ll have to chance catching a train.

» Brag about that one snowstorm from the 1970s or whatever. According to ABC7, Dulles International Airport recorded 32 inches, the most snowfall in its 40+years of measuring snowfalls. National fared better with 18 inches, which is still the fourth-most snow ever recorded there. And the National Weather Service ranks #snomgasm among the top-five snowstorms evaarr. Tell your annoying native-DMV friends who say it’s not so bad to suck it!