Photo by christaki.

First, retailers pushed “Black Friday” specials back to infringe on the prime costume-making season. Then, Halloween displays started getting pulled earlier and earlier to prepare for the winter holiday seasons. But in this burgeoning war against Halloween in America, this is where I draw the line: Halloween Candy Buy Back programs. From the program’s website:

Every kid loves Halloween! So do adults.

As responsible dentists, community members, and US citizens, Halloween Candy Buy Back dentists have found a way to keep the fun, while helping kids and our troops deployed overseas.

Uh, walking around all night in a mask that pinches your cheeks and then breaks halfway through the evening, leading people to wonder why you’re wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle outfit but no mask, only to have to look at a pillowcase full of candy all night before handing over all of your hard-earned goodies to a dentist who will likely lecture you about not getting cavities — yeah, that is pretty much the definition of unfun, guys.

I don’t know how long this kind of program has been in place. And I don’t want to know. They are flawed on a level so basic, I can hardly contain my disbelief that this kind of thing actually exists. Here’s how the system works: kids go out and collect candy on Halloween. Somehow, they manage to not eat it all that night. (Obviously, this is where the plan would have fallen apart during my childhood.) The next day, a parent drags them to a dentist’s office (you know, because kids love going to the dentist) and the children — I’m assuming none of them voluntarily — sell back their candy by the pound (it appears as if the going rate this year is three bucks per 16 ounces). Then the dentists send the candy itself off to an organization which supports American soldiers.