Photo used under a Creative Commons license
with mjb84.

There sure are a lot of opinions floating around concerning Walmart in the District. But with the company asking that residents of the District pledge allegiance to its mission to sprout up in the city, I thought we’d do everyone a favor and annotate the company’s corporate-speak so that we can all really understand what it means.

I¹ support Walmart in Washington, D.C.², because I want more money for the city³, support for local community organizations⁴, fresh produce⁵, job opportunities⁶, affordable prescription drugs and⁷ investment in local businesses⁸.⁹

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¹ Wait, this is about Wegmans, right? Because that’s what the demographics tell me I’m supposed to be pining for.
² Note: no promises that any of the Walmarts in D.C. will be urban-friendly, a model which the company has “rarely built.”
³ Because “beggars can’t be choosers,” you see.
⁴ Look, I don’t know about any of you, but the idea of Walmart and some of this city’s Advisory Neighborhood Commissions working together is kind of terrifying. Then again, it would probably be a boon for People of Walmart. So I guess it evens out.
⁵ Take that, food deserts! (Maybe!)
⁶ See also: protracted labor battles.
⁷ …layaway on Cricket phones.
⁸ Unless you’re a hardware store. Then, you’ve got a problem.
⁹ What, no guns? Yvette Alexander is really concerned about this, guys!