Photo by andrewmtu.

Sure, there’s an anti-Walmart crowd inside the District of Columbia. But those people are only thinking about important things like fair labor rates, land use and the destruction of small businesses! Good thing the Wall Street Journal is here to remind us that a Walmart is the premier venue to showcase any region’s unique brand of insanity:

Maybe a man dressed in a cow suit, crawling on all fours, will steal 26 gallons of milk from a Wal-Mart and hand them out Robin Hood-style to patrons in a parking lot, as allegedly occurred in Stafford, Va. in April. Perhaps a glazed-eyed 20-year-old will take a truck filled with 338 boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts from a Wal-Mart before police find him drowsy and in possession of a bag of marijuana, as authorities say took place in Ocala, Fla., in March. Or perchance a rapper named Mr. Ghetto will shoot an unauthorized, sexually suggestive music video paean to picking up women in the aisles of a Wal-Mart, full of ladies shaking their hindquarters in ways hindquarters typically don’t shake, as happened in New Orleans in May.

[…]

Almost any imaginable aspect of American life can and does take place inside Wal-Mart stores, from births to marriages to deaths. … So, it seems, can any conceivable mishap. A Maryland man wound up in an emergency room with a toilet seat stuck to him after pranksters in March doused a Wal-Mart restroom with glue. Last year, an Ohio shoplifter who jumped in a garbage bin outside Wal-Mart later called 911; he was being compacted, and needed rescue. A shopper at a Wal-Mart in Falmouth, Mass., uncovered a dental mystery two years ago when she found 10 human teeth inside a wallet for sale that was imported from Asia.

You see? How the District — and its steady supply of gadflies, weirdos and people who attach loudspeakers to the roof of their cars to yell at buildings — has gone without this theater of American mindlessness for so long is the real question.