This evening, the Philadelphia Phillies will start a three-game series against the hometown Washington Nationals. It’s a series that plenty of people are taking seriously, from the team’s “Take Back the Park” campaign to Mayor Vince Gray’s declaration of “Natitude Weekend.”

In the spirit of the contest, we’re going to repeat something we did ahead of the D.C. United/New York Red Bulls game: we’re going to talk a lot of trash. But since there’s no Phillyist to contend with, we’re just going to lay out the case against the City of Brotherly Love ourselves.

These are handy little talking points that you can use if you run into a Phillies fan this weekend, but by no means feel limited by what we’re offering. Remember: Phillies fans are obnoxious and boorish, so speak loudly and slowly. If at all possible, use short words and colorful placards, if they’re available.

So Who’s the Capital Now? Philadelphia was once the nation’s capital. But the city was apparently so uninviting to the founding fathers that members of the nascent Congress were chased out of the city by a marauding band of irate soldiers demanding back-pay. Where did they settle? A much more attractive then-swamp that eventually came to be known as Washington, D.C. You can keep your broken Liberty Bell, thank you very much.

How About Those Standings? Since this is a baseball game, we should probably focus on some baseball. With what little I know about the sport, I can offer this much: who’s leading the National League East, and who’s just hovering above just dead last? I thought so.

That’s No Mascot: We’re still not sure what the Phillie Phanatic is, but we’re sure that even a slow Teddy Roosevelt could kick its ass.

Worst. Fans. Ever.: This isn’t even our opinion, but rather GQ’s assessment: “All told, Philadelphia stadiums house the most monstrous collection of humanity outside of the federal penal system.” They’ve been known to throw snowballs at Santa Claus, cheer career-ending injuries and travel en masse to nearby cities to try and make everyone else as miserable as they are.

Evilest Company Ever Calls Philly Home: Comcast has its corporate headquarters in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia is Dirty: The City of Brotherly Love was long derided as “Filthadelphia.” It seems that the insult become so ingrained in people’s minds that residents just choose to live up to it. “People are disconnected from the fact that littering is very disrespectful to their city,” Deputy Mayor Rina Cutler was quoted as saying to the Philadelphia Inquirer last year. “The biggest difference [between cleaner cities and Philadelphia] is mind-set and attitude.” (To compound the problem, last year Philly ranked atop Forbes’ list of the Top 10 most toxic cities in the country.)

Don’t Listen to Us, Listen to History: In 1903 pioneering journalist Lincoln Steffens wrote an article about Philadelphia, which he appropriately titled “Philadelphia: Corrupt and Contented.” He wrote: “I say that if Philadelphia is a disgrace, it is a disgrace not to itself alone, nor to Pennsylvania, but to the United States and to American character.”

No Local -ist? Phillyist is on hiatus? Lame.

Editor’s Note: We don’t really harbor any real ill-will towards folks from Philly. Heck, my predecessor was a Philadelphia native himself, and he’s a good guy. This is all in good fun. And war. Lots and lots of war.