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FRIDAY

FUNNY FEMALES: Join some of the funniest ladies in D.C. for “Comedy on the Table,” an all-female comedy showcase to benefit Martha’s Table. EJ Ruchman, Natalie Shure, Sara Armour, Paris Sashay, Becca Steinhoff, and DCist’s very own Valerie Paschall will appear at the VeraCruz Gallery (2108 Vermont Ave NW) at 7:30 p.m. $5.

METER MEN: Jazz quartet The Meter Men take to the Howard Theatre tonight; we previewed the show yesterday. 8 p.m. $35 in advance, $40 at the door.

CARTOON METAL: The stars of Adult Swim’s Metalocalypse, Dethklok, are in fact a real metal band as well as a cartoon metal band. Much like the Gorillaz before them, they do play shows for non-cartoon audiences while still incorporating the visual element for which they are known. Oh yeah, and they slay. See them at the Fillmore Silver Spring with All that Remains, Machine Head and Black Dahlia Murder. 6:30 p.m. $35

SATURDAY

EARLY VOTING: It’s your last day to vote early in D.C., so head to these locations from 8:30 to 9 p.m. to cast a ballot.

MESSY HALF-MARATHON: We warned you about this a few weeks ago, but the time has come for the D.C. Half and Half Marathon. How is this one any different than the many running events in D.C? After running 6.55 miles, you’ll be treated with a half smoke and chili from Ben’s Chili Bowl, after which you have to run the remaining 6.55 miles to the finish. Yikes. The whole things kicks off at Carter Barron Amphitheater (4850 Colorado Avenue NW) at 8:30 a.m. $25.

LEARN TO BREW BEER: This whole homebrewing thing is kinda big, so why not learn to do it yourself? The D.C. Homebrewers are celebrating “Learn to Homebrew Day” by hosting a homebrewing demonstration at Three Stars Brewery (6400 Chillum Place NW) today from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. They’ll brew an all grain beer and an extract beer from start to finish, with plenty of step-by-step details. Free.

PUZZLED: Are you a fan of brain-busting puzzles? Then hit up the Arlington Puzzle Festival, a celebration of words, logic, numbers and thinking. Crossword puzzles will be provided by New York Times puzzlemaster Will Shortz and Sudoku puzzles will be provided by U.S. and world champion Thomas Snyder. The festival will take place at the Arlington Central Library (1015 N. Quincy Street) from 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. Free for friends of the library.

VAMOS UNITED: D.C. United plays its first post-season game in five years at RFK tonight, taking on the hated New York Red Bulls. Be there for the blackout! 8 p.m. Check for tickets here, or try StubHub and Craigslist. Alternatively, the Washington Wizards take on the Boston Celtics in their season opener. Tickets here.

SUNDAY

THIRD PARTY DEBATE: Lets be fair: third party candidates won’t win this year’s presidential election. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hear them out! Libertarian Party nominee Gary Johnson, Green Party nominee Jill Stein, Constitution Party nominee Virgil Goode, and Justice Party nominee Rocky Anderson will participate in a debate moderated by Ralph Nader at Busboys and Poets (14th and V Streets NW). RSVP required at 202-387-8034. 7:30 p.m.

WALKING TOURS ARE PUNK, OK?: As the City Paper recently noted, there’s plenty of punk rock history in Ward 1. Meet at the CVS at 14th and Irving Streets at 3 p.m. today for a walking tour of the punkest sites the ward has to offer.

>> For more, see the Weekly Music Agenda, Popcorn & Candy and This Week in Jazz.