Eric Axelson. Photo by Peter Hutchins

As you no doubt know—and if you don’t, shame on you—D.C. United are playing a decisive game this Sunday against the Houston Dynamo. Already down 3-1 in the aggregate two-game series, the red and black have to win by three goals to advance to the MLS Cup series. And while our own Pablo Maurer has said that it’s tough but doable, one D.C. institution has little doubt that the team will pull it off.

Today the Dismemberment Plan’s Eric Axelson—a season ticket-holder and self-proclaimed United “junkie”—wrote on the band’s blog that he fully believes that United will not only win the game 3-1, but injured Dwayne DeRosario will score the game-winning goal in overtime—on a bicycle kick, no less—to win the series by an aggregate score of 5-4. His reasoning:

– The Kids. Perry Kitchen, Bill Hamid and Nick DeLeon just don’t know any better. No one’s told them that they should be nervous or play like they’re new to the pros. In round one against New York, a team of international superstars, Kitchen stole the ball all night like a playground bully, Hamid rewrote the laws of physics with his goalkeeping and DeLeon scored the game-winning goal. Ignorance is bliss, and these three are playing stupid good.

– The Bench. All sorts of players who haven’t played in months because of injuries or just being second string are stepping up. They’re not just filling in the gaps, they’re making shit happen, scoring goals and shutting down the other team.

– The Coach. This team plays just like Benny Olsen did when he was still a player: tenacious, tough, cocky, optimistic and fun to watch. The guys are like homicidal soccer-bots, and the ball is Sarah Connor. Aside from how he’s shaped the team, Olsen’s on a run of making smart subs that win games. Not bad for the youngest coach in the league.

– RFK. DC has only lost once at home all year, and that was to eventual eastern conference winner Kansas City. The fans are loud, the stands are full of banners and smoke bombs, and it’s not going to be no 85 and sunny like it was in Houston.

Not only will D.C. United win, he writes, but RFK Stadium will “crumble in the pandemonium.” And after the win, D.C. will take on Los Angeles for the MLS Cup.