Jessica Biel, Noah Lomax and Gerard Butler. (FilmDistrict/Dale Robinette)

Playing for Keeps is an absolutely terrible film.

It’s not just a bad romantic comedy (a soccer-mom romantic comedy at that— SocMomRomCom?) or a bad soccer film—though this movie does make Ladybugs look like Chariots of Fire—it’s just a generally awful movie. Where to begin?

The film stars Gerard Butler as George Dryer, a recently retired footballer. After a successful career in Europe, where he played for the likes of Celtic and Liverpool, Dryer does what any 30-something international superstar would: he comes to Major League Soccer. Not just that, but to our beloved D.C. United—yes, Bill Hamid, Jaime Moreno, Charlie Davies, and (finally) Danny Alsopp are all referenced—where a knee injury ends his career.

Dryer retires to Northern Virginia, where he spends his days desperately trying to get a sportscasting job and his evenings trying to win back his ex-wife, Stacie, played by Jessica Biel. The two have a son (who isn’t the biggest fan of dad), but Stacie has since moved on and is living with her incredibly stable, well-adjusted fiancé Matt. After Dryer shows up at his son’s soccer practice and wows the team with his skills, the parents in attendance insist that he coach the team full-time.

And that’s where Dryer’s impossibly beautiful stable of high-class soccer moms enters the mix. Catherine Zeta-Jones plays Denise, a former sports news anchor hell-bent on using her cougar-like charms and professional connections to lure Butler’s character in. Uma Thurman takes a stab at playing the role of neglected, upper-class housewife, and does it poorly. Judy Greer, who played George Bluth’s obsessive, insecure assistant on Arrested Development, takes a stab at playing an obsessive, insecure soccer mom instead.

This pack of cougars spends the entire film, more or less, trying to bone George Dryer. They go at it in various ways: Denise manipulates him by using her professional connections, while Greer’s character lures Dryer in with some good old-fashioned “crazy,” at one point showing up to her sons game in tears and forcing an embrace, at another point sending him an obsessed email—you get the idea. Thurman takes a more direct route, showing up in his bed unannounced wearing nothing but her underwear, because that obviously happens, right? Well, maybe if you look like Gerard Butler, I guess.

Inaccurate uni, bro. (FilmDistrict via Facebook)

Through all of this, Dryer’s commitment to his son remains unwavering, if unwavering means that he only slept with 66.6 percent of the female cast. (Actually, it’s closer to 75 percent if you count Biel’s character.) Tender father-son moments are sprinkled throughout the film, and Dryer eventually wins back the affection of his son during a father-son sleepover where the younger Dryer says “I love you” to his father. (There was some serious onion-chopping going at the advance screening during that scene.)

The film ends predictably enough: Dryer gets offered a job with ESPN, and shows up at Stacie’s house to make one final attempt at reconciliation. Stacie turns him down, obviously, and Butler drives off towards Bristol in his Alfa Romeo. Biel’s character then runs inside crying, where the always-supportive Matt is waiting for her. “Hey, I’m not stupid. Do you still love him?” he asks, to which a tearful Biel replies, “I NEVER STOPPED LOVING HIM.”

Shortly after leaving, Dryer has a change of heart. He turns his Alfa around and returns to Stacie’s home, where he greets his son in the front yard. “I suppose if I’m good enough for ESPN I can find a job here as well,” he says. Stacie then informs him that she called the wedding off (in the 20 minutes he was gone, apparently) and the film ends with the camera panning-out on the newly-reunited family playing some backyard soccer.

Let me tell you how this film would really end: Dryer would return home after getting fired from ESPN. He’d beg his way back into Stacie’s life—Stacie never really liked Matt in the first place, and missed the excitement of dating a professional athlete, and one with an accent, at that. The three of them would obviously know deep down that this latest incarnation of their life together would again end in failure, though, and we’d see Matt’s slumping silhouette walking off into the sunset as he couldn’t deal with the humiliation of getting dumped for Gerard Butler on the front lawn of his home.

Look, I’m not above seeing a mindless romantic comedy from time to time. I actually like them in the same way I like eating Domino’s once a month. They’re easy enough to digest, I guess. What’s so offensive about this film, to me, is how miserably it fails at even being mediocre. Seriously. I’ve seen plenty of mediocre romantic comedies, and I’m fine doing so. This one was just particularly brainless. And how is it that Uma Thurman and Catherine Zeta-Jones (or maybe it’s just Hollywood in general) haven’t risen above roles like this, roles that paint women out as desperate, attention-seeking lunatics? Characters like that offend my gender-role sensibilities, which barely exist.

So yeah, don’t see Playing for Keeps. If you’re mad that I just spelled out the entire movie and ruined it for you, understand that the movie ruined so much for me.

***

Playing for Keeps
Directed by Gabriele Muccino
Written by Robbie Fox
With Gerard Butler, Jessica Biel, Uma Thurman, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Dennis Quaid
Running time 105 minutes
Rated PG-13 for some naughty language, tarnished memories of soccer and suburban moms on the prowl.