Our hard-living, and harder-partying, vice president. (Obama campaign photo by Christopher Dilts via Flickr)

Since January 20, 2009, the vice presidency of Joe Biden has existed along two narrative tracks. One, of course, is the official stenographic beat coming out of the White House, in which Biden is a sage counsel to President Obama, a globe-trotting statesman, and ambassador to middle-class voters.

And then there’s the other Joe Biden, the good-times party animal documented in the pages of The Onion. This Biden, of course, famously kicked off his term as the second-most powerful person in the United States by taking off his shirt in the White House driveway and scrubbing down a vintage Pontiac Trans Am. He subsequently got expelled from Dave and Busters, took a breather in Mexico, and hitchhiked his way to the Democratic National Convention last year.

Well, now there’s a whole lot more (fake) Biden to read about. Today, The Onion is publishing The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden, which takes the comical life of the vice president all the way back to his origins in Scranton, Pa. Along the way, the Amazon Kindle book provides Biden’s insights into some of life’s great mysteries.

Via Amazon

The President of Vice was actually penned by a group of Onion editors, of course, but the more articles the satirical newspaper publishes, the more it seems this alt-Biden is in fact our real-life vice president. That the real Biden is more than willing to seek out a good time—whether its getting cozy with bikers or popping up on Parks and Recreation or marveling at the pies at Costco—nearly validates The Onion’s ribbing.

The Onion provided a few bawdy excerpts of Biden’s unauthorized autobiography.

On growing up in Scranton:

At 6, I overheard a conversation between a couple dirtbags from the local high school and was inspired to shave our cat Cleo and stick a couple fingers where I shouldn’t. Still have the scars from that.

During that same summer, I was playing with matches at a construction site and the blaze got slightly out-of-control and kind of burned down half of a brand-new housing development.

Shhhhhhh.

On self-defense:

Old Joe Sr. taught me some tips I still use if I need to tear assholes a new one. Always keep a pocket full of sand to blind your opponents. N.S.C., nuts, stomach, chin and you can drop any guy in a three hits. Never let the waitress take your last empty bottle off the bar, so you can grab a weapon without wasting a fresh brew.

On the Oval Office:

I’ve only gotten to second base here, but Barry better know that Uncle Joe will be trying his best in term two to hit a West Wing homer.

On God:

You know He may be omnipotent and shit, but God’s a pretty down-to-earth dude.

On why he’s writing this book now:

Look, I’m not gonna lie to you guys: Uncle Joe’s on easy street with his job as Vice President, but he’s writing this book because he needs the scratch. And I mean reallyneeds the scratch. See, I got myself into a little bit of trouble with some guys I had a little business arrangement with, a couple of bookies named Taz and Jorge. A small matter of an unpaid gambling debt on a prizefight or two. Long story short, they already took my Trans Am and now they’re saying they might hurt Papa Biden if he doesn’t pay up soon.

The book covers a great deal more, including the folks Biden has met at Union Station, and one particularly blue anecdote about former Sen. Carol Mosely Braun (D-Ill.) The Presidency of Vice sells for $2.99 on Amazon for Kindle devices or other tablets with the Kindle app. And for die-hard fans of Onion Joe Biden—and really, who doesn’t love him?—Reddit is hosting an “Ask Me Anything” session with the fictional vice president today at 3 p.m.

As for the real Biden, he’s well aware and appreciative of the long-running spoof. “I think it’s hilarious, the stuff they do on me,” he told Yahoo! News in 2011.