D.C. United fans, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.

The good news: United’s offense finally came to life last night. Like an old, abandoned car, United cranked sluggishly and lurched forward, shaking off the rust that had formed over a six-game span, one that saw them find the back of the net only twice.

Sunday’s goals came from two unlikely sources: a first-half strike from defensive midfielder Perry Kitchen (his first in almost two years) and a second-half goal from an even less likely candidate: the oft-maligned forward Lionard Pajoy. United’s defenders were involved in the buildup to both goals. Dejan Jakovic and Brandon McDonald set up Kitchen; Daniel Woolard sent a perfect cross to Pajoy for the second goal.

Now here’s the bad news: though United’s defensive players were decent moving down the field, they also forgot how to play defense. United gave up three goals in the first 26 minutes en route to a 3-2 defeat to the Philadelphia Union that drops them even further into the Eastern Conference basement.

“I felt offensively we created a lot of chances and were dynamic at times—so that’s a positive,” United Head Coach Ben Olsen said after the match. “But the way we started the game is just unacceptable. It’s very alarming that we started the way we started—in the situation we’re in right now. Very alarming.”

So how bad has this 2013 D.C. United squad been? At 1-6-1 through eight games, United is averaging 0.57 points per game. Compare that to a few other historically bad teams: Toronto F.C.’s 2012 squad—one that lost its first nine matches and then went winless in its final 14—averaged 0.68 points per game. Even United’s nightmarish 2010 season—the worst in club history—saw them produce at a rate of 0.73 PPG.

The Hero: Kitchen. The third-year defensive midfielder came into his own in 2012 and has continued to develop throughout 2013. While other United players have taken a step back this season, Kitchen has leaped forward. His command of the center of the park can best be appreciated in person; television cameras don’t tend to give the viewer an accurate view of the ground he covers each game.

Kitchen has also looked better coming forward this year, and seems to creep up more and more with every passing match, adding a bit of attacking flair to his already industrious defensive performance. As a colleague mentioned on Sunday, Kitchen is a “soccer nerd’s player”—light on flash and heavy on function.

The Goat: United’s back line. It’s difficult to single out any one United defensive player as a goat, so they’ll all go down together. Jack McInerney’s sixth-minute goal came after a Dejan Jakovic giveaway, and fellow defender Brandon McDonald was equally inept in his defense of that strike. Union midfielder Danny Cruz made short work of former teammate Daniel Woolard on the second goal. Philly’s third goal came off of a long throw-in—something the Union are known for—and Woolard again lost his mark on McInenerny.

Let’s be fair, though: United’s back line have been fairly solid all year, and they had a hand in both of the club’s tallies on Sunday. So, maybe we won’t call them goats. We’ll go with something a bit nobler, like… burros. There we go.

Moment of the Match: Conor Casey’s 11th-minute strike. Casey was good, and D.C. United were awful. It really was 2010 all over again. Nothing takes the air out of a stadium like two goals in first eleven minutes of play.

The Rest: With the injuries piling up, United will likely make some moves. The club could explore the idea of securing the services of an MLS player through an intra-league loan, or look outside the league. I asked Olsen on Sunday evening if there was one particular area he felt his squad needed help in, and he kept his cards close to his chest. But I wouldn’t be surprised if you see help arrive sooner than later … United forward Casey Townsend was in the 18 for the first time this season, having been “called up” from Richmond, so to speak. He nearly saw action in the second half of Sunday’s match but Olsen decided to make use of defender Robbie Russell instead … The Washington Spirit—D.C.’s women’s pro team—opened the season with an exciting 1-1 draw, tying the Western New York Flash in front of a sellout crowd of nearly 5,000 at the Maryland SoccerPlex. The match ended in concern when US Women’s National Team member and reigning FIFA women’s world player of the year Abby Wambach took a shot to the face at point blank range, suffering a concussion.