Via Netflix.
Hey, it’s back! Everyone’s favorite show about awful Washington power players doing awful things to get into positions of power! Yes, that’s right, as a cruel Valentine’s Day gift, Netflix dumped all 13 episodes of House of Cards season two yesterday for you to binge-watch in your darkened apartment alone with with a box of wine and tub ice cream. You know, so you can reflect on how alone you are. Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed.
Season two picks up right where season one left off: Frank has just been offered the job of Vice President (which, of course, he takes); Claire is being threatened with a lawsuit as a result of her following out with Gillian; Zoe, Lucas, and Janine are hard at work trying to uncover the truth behind Pete Russo’s suicide; and Freddy is still cooking up the best ribs in D.C.
Since the show is every Washingtonian’s favorite show about politicians and other power players jockeying for power in cruel and unusual ways, DCist will be recapping this season with the House of Cards Power Rankings on a weekly basis. Although all 13 episodes are available to watch right now, I’m just going to take it a week at a time, because the idea of sitting on the couch for 13 hours and then writing about every episode this weekend is insanity. Anyway, let’s take a look at the Power Rankings this week (needless to say, SPOILERS are discussed, because this is a review, after all, even though I am anti-spoiler alert):
1. Freddy Armstrong: If there’s anything we learned from the first season of House of Cards, it’s that The One Who Wields BBQ Ribs Wields All The Power in Washington.
2. Claire Underwood: With the threat of a lawsuit from grassroots do-gooder Gillian Cole after their falling out, Claire quite ruthlessly reminds us that she’s as much a force to be reckoned with as her sharp-toothed husband. In order avoid a lawsuit, Claire tells the wife of the man Gillian had an affair with that she’s pregnant, cuts off her health insurance, and then delivering this icy line: “I’m willing to let your child wither and die inside you, if that’s what’s required, but neither of us wants that. Now tell me, is that the sort of enemy you want to make?” Damn, son.
3. Frank Underwood: Having just got promoted to the cushy title of Vice President of the United States, Frank is living large. But he certainly has some skeletons in his closet, and with pesky reporters snooping around the suspicious death of Pete Russo and the possibility of foul play, he does what he needs to cover his tracks. And, in the process, throws his former lover Zoe Barnes under the train. Literally. Throws her in front of a Metro train killing her instantly. While you might think this might push him to the top of the power rankings, but there’s still some who know his secrets that could compromise his entire career. Still, you don’t fuck with Frank.
Via Netflix.
4. Doug Stamper: Frank’s loyal Chief of Staff has proved that he’ll do almost anything to protect his boss. Which, in this season, includes keeping the prostitute who might know something about Frank’s involvement in Pete Russo’s death quiet. How? By forcing her to quit her job and leave town right away. But will she comply? We’ll see.
5. Christina Gallagher: Following her boss/lover’s “suicide”, it seems as though Christina isn’t deterred by the shady, ruthless life of politics. She talks her way into a position as a Congressional Staffer. Although she wasn’t much in this episode, I suspect we’ll see her rise in power this season and predict that her and Frank will eventually go head-to-head.
7. Janine Skorsky: Following Zoe’s death, Janine gets spooked and the last we see of her she’s quickly packing up her stuff and telling Lucas she’s going to her mother’s house up north to escape potential danger. C’mon Janine, don’t give up so easily! It’s just one death!
8. Lucas Goodwin: Poor Lucas. His lover is dead, and he doesn’t have any solid leads in his quest to uncover Frank’s awful truths. What’s even worse, the last sexual encounter with Zoe ended in this humiliating exchange: “Hurry up and finish, I’m good.”
Via Netflix!
9. Gillian Cole: See above. Claire’s got her and her unborn fetus wrapped around her finger.
10. Zoe Barnes: Well shit, being dead doesn’t really put you at much of an advantage, now does it? But maybe Zoe’s death will come back to bite Frank in the ass (or cock, considering their tumultuous history)?
Quote of the Week: “There is but one rule: Hunt or be hunted. Welcome back.” – Frank, in the only soliloquy to us this week.
Washington, D.C. Accuracy-o-Meter: 3. If only D.C. had a Cathedral Heights Metro station.
Via Netflix.
