Via the Jewish Literary Festival.By DCist contributor Jonathan Neeley
To know Dr. Ruth only as an older woman who talks about sex on late-night television is to not understand her genius. She’s a Holocaust survivor who has become, thanks to her career as an author, and TV and radio commentator, one of pop culture’s foremost experts on sex but also on healthy, positive relationships.
On Saturday, Dr. Ruth — born Ruth Westheimer in 1928 — will appear at the Hyman S. & Freda Bernstein Jewish Literary Festival at the D.C. Jewish Community Center with her latest co-author, Jerome E. Singerman, to speak about their book, Myths of Love: Echoes of Ancient Mythology in the Modern Romantic Imagination.
Broadly, the festival’s themes are universal, covering family, love, identity, and self-exploration. Dr. Ruth will speak about how our views on romance shape our quests for meaning. In other words, Dr. Ruth is about to drop some real talk on us.
DCist recently spoke to Dr. Ruth by phone, where we discussed her book, immortal erections and much more. We also chatted with DCJCC’s chief executive officer, Carole Zawatsky, to discuss Dr. Ruth’s talk.
The interview, which has been condensed, edited and rearranged for clarity, is transcribed below.
Tell me about your book.
Dr. Ruth: On the cover, there is the god of wine, Bacchus, with this mortal woman who’s beautiful. She looks at him with adulation and is sexually aroused. He doesn’t look at her; he looks up to the heavens. Some people say he’s not interested in her. That’s not how I look at it. I look at it as he is praying to the gods that he will have an erection.
So I will make everybody laugh. Whoever listens to me is going to remember it, so I’m going to have a good time in Washington.
How does urban life affect young people’s sex lives? What can young people do more of with their approach to love and sex?
Dr. Ruth: They need to make sure they go out. That’s especially important in a city like Washington, to go to places where there are other young people to meet. Not sit at home and watch computers and television. I hope that despite the fact that everybody’s so busy working, that they keep some special time for sex.
I often hear people talk about how great it is to be young and single in D.C. Does that bring anything to mind?
Dr. Ruth: I’m not sure that that is true. It’s true there are lots of young people and it’s exciting to be in a city, but it’s also true that it’s difficult to meet somebody to get serious with. Sometimes they think there might be something better around the corner.
A lot of people grow up with expectations of what love is supposed to be like. Things like monogamy and attraction and how spark is supposed to work.
Dr. Ruth: It’s important not to have such expectations, but to be realistic and to make sure there’s no boredom in the bedroom.
How does one make sure of that?
Dr. Ruth: By making sure that both have some interest that they follow. It doesn’t have to be the same interest. On the contrary, it should be different interests so they have something to talk about. And to make sure that they make time for sex, which is sometimes difficult for young professionals— to know that this is an important part of life. And also not to have expectations that can’t be fulfilled, like not to have expectations that every sexual encounter is going to be stars twinkling. To be realistic.
So fulfillment really is about letting go of expectations?
Dr. Ruth: No, not letting go of expectations, but to be realistic about expectations.
People unfamiliar with your work, they often think of you as just the sex lady.
Dr. Ruth: I’m not a sex lady, but a psychosexual therapist. Why do I say psychosexual? Because it always involves some psychology. It’s not just sex. The importance is the relationship. You cannot help anybody with his or her sexual problem if the relationship is not a good one.
Via the Jewish Literary Festival.Dr. Ruth. Have you ever met her?
Zawatsky: [Laughter.] Not in person.
What Dr. Ruth looks and sounds like doesn’t necessarily jive with… sex therapist. Out of the mouth of this woman comes unabashed conversation about sex and sexuality. And there’s something really disarming about it.
I’ve seen her present at major conferences on a huge stage with Shimon Perez, the president of Israel, and it’s hilarious because they’re both kind of… old Jews. And they’re talking about things that other people kind of shy away from.
For me, she represents that spirit of survival. “My life and those around me may have been shattered in the Holocaust, but I dedicated my life to the nature of human relationships.” There’s something disarming and charming and comical, but there’s also something very deep and beautiful about being someone who is an older woman, who is a survivor, who dedicates her life to the nature of human relationships. And sex and sexuality and intimacy really is the basis of how you have a successful relationship and make the world ultimately a better place through that.
The sex aside, really what Dr. Ruth is about is “how do you treat other people? What’s the nature of our respective relationships?” She’s a live wire, is the term that comes to mind.
What does Judaism teach young people about sex?
Zawatsky: I’m not a rabbi, but there’s a lot of beauty in intimate relationships that is articulated in Jewish literature, in Jewish songs, in Jewish life. Different denominations of Jews may view or experience sex and sexuality differently, but the value of respect and the importance of intimacy between two partners is very much a part of Jewish life.
These themes—sex, relationships between people— what ties them into the DC dating scene? What could a random person from a bar get from coming in and hearing her speak?
Zawatsky: D.C. is a very serious city. It’s a city that in many ways is fueled by an incredible pool of talented young adults who are driven to succeed. And how do you help people who are driven to succeed professionally also find the time and the space and the emotional bandwidth to be as to seek relationships either with friends or life partners, to stop for a moment and really take stock in their own emotional and intimate lives?
I can’t think of a city where Dr. Ruth is more needed, than to come to D.C. and say “I think it’s just fabulous that you work until 10 every night and you are going change the world… and tell me a little bit about the way you interact on an intimate level with your friends and your partners.
Yeah. It takes vulnerability.
Zawatsky: I cannot disagree with you. I think D.C. is a city where it’s vibrant, it’s exciting, it’s alive. And it’s a city with a character of being very driven and working very hard to succeed, and a lot of extraordinarily bright people who aren’t necessarily comfortable being vulnerable. And how do you get comfortable with vulnerability?
I want [young people] to come to Dr. Ruth because isn’t it great for someone from a younger generation to learn from someone older, “You know what, let me tell you something: you better slow down and appreciate your personal relationships. Because at the end of the day, that’s a lot of what matters.”
See Dr. Ruth talk about her book at the DCJCC (16th and Q streets NW) on Saturday at 8 p.m. Tickets are $25 for general admission, $20 for DCJCC members, students, and seniors, and $50 for VIP priority seating.
