Who has two thumbs and already has a Christmas tree? This guy. (Photo by William Thomas Cain/Getty Images)

No one is arguing the greatness that is The Onion’s brand of satirizing news and politics—unless it’s a poorly executed Twitter fake out about gunfire in the Capitol—but sometimes it’s just really great.

Exhibit A: Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business

Congress’s spat with Mayor Muriel Bowser and D.C. legislators isn’t a secret—after Initiative 71 was passed, some members of Congress made empty threats warning Bowser not to go ahead with legalizing marijuana. They were pissed. And, as The Onion’s portrayal of Vice President Joe Biden as a hard-partying dude who’s all about havin’ a good time all the time, notes, he’s pissed, too.

“Aw, Christ, now everyone will be growing their own herb,” said a visibly upset Biden, adding that he was “raking it in” before D.C. voters approved “that horseshit” Marijuana Legalization Initiative in a ballot measure last November. “Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Joe is slinging the dankest nugs in town. But who’s going to call me up for an eighth of Purple Trainwreck if they can just grab some buds from their own homegrown stash?”

Though D.C.’s current marijuana laws allow District residents to grow their own weed, they cannot buy or sell weed, so The Onion’s Biden might be OK. Still, D.C. is actively trying to find ways to circumvent Congress’ prevention of D.C. legalizing the sale of marijuana. And if Biden has anything to say about it, it’ll stay that way:

“Dynamite Joe had a nice little thing going for himself, and it’d be a damn shame for some stupid law to come along and fuck up the good times,” said Biden, who reportedly asked White House aides if President Obama could pull a few strings and make legalized cannabis go away. “You can ask anyone on the Hill and they’ll tell you Uncle Joe is always good for a fat sack. I never short or skimp anyone. And my shit is never all seeds and stems like the bunk ditch weed that Mikulski hawks.”